manslations

This is going to be a great post. Maybe the best one ever. Sadly, it might not be very shocking. Well, “sadly” is probably a little strong. I’m not sad about it.

In the interest of full disclosure, it’s definitely not deadly. I guess I’m a little sad about that.

It also might not be much in the way of an exposé, as such. Mostly, I just like that little accent mark over the “e,” and I wanted a little credit for having found how to put it into the title there.

Man, this post is going to suck. No, positive mental attitude. Breathe, breathe.

Ok. Let’s move on, shall we? Hello? Yes? Great.

THE SEAT

Ok, I know that certain members of the female gender — “women” as some o’ ye like to be called — have a real issue with the toilet seat. I’m sure I’ve heard something about that. Maybe I saw it on an old episode of Maude when I was a kid or something. The man MUST put the seat down, on pain of death. Or at least a very stern talking to. This has been the cause of many a battle royale, and men…well, we pretty much lose every time. For no reason, I think.

Once, as a young and stupid man, I decided that enough was enough. I decided to take a stand. And shortly afterwards, I decided to stop doing that and I knuckled under.

HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND PUT THE SEAT DOWN

I ended up giving up on this fight, once and for all, during a relationship with a woman I didn’t even like*. I refused to acknowledge the sense in putting the seat down, so she had come up with an even sillier counter proposal: If I made sure to put the seat down every time, she would be willing to put the seat up every time.

When I suggested that, why couldn’t we, say, NOT do that, and instead each just put the seat wherever we needed it on a case by case basis, she declined her consent. And she did so at about 800 decibels.

Ergo, I caved.**

We reached a compromise. And by that, I mean that we did NOT reach one. Well, I guess it was a kind of compromise. She got her precious little friend, the toilet seat, put down every time. And I didn’t have to listen to her talk quite as much. It was win-win.

WHY A MAN HAS A HARD TIME LEARNING THIS

Other than the shouting, we can’t grasp the downside to leaving the seat however it was when we were done. No consequences of failure. Before we do our business, we always check to make sure it’s where we need it.

Truthfully, I still don’t understand why YOU don’t check. I realize that you never think about it being up…but do you just leap onto the toilet, hands over your eyes, and assume that you’re not going to hit water?

And how did you get into the bathroom in the first place? Did you just crash into the door, or did you first check to see whether or not it was open?

I think what really confuses men is…I mean, is this really something that you’re willing to go to the mat for? This is where you make your stand? This is what might actually get me killed in my sleep?

HOW TO GET HIM TO SHUT THE EFF UP AND JUST PUT THE FRIGGIN’ SEAT DOWN

You aren’t going to like this. But this is how you do it with a minimum of male denseness resulting in female thermonuclear resentment.

Acknowledge that what you are asking for is a silly, personal concern of yours, but a mandatory one. Tell him, “Listen, I know the fact that I can’t tell whether the seat is up or down makes no sense to you. Please deal with it anyway. And I, in turn, will deal with something that makes no sense to ME, but that YOU want.”

For that one, maybe consider starting with the giant wad of hair in the shower drain that could populate several less fortunate human heads. You know, if you happen to spot it.

*Luckily, we only dated for about 2 years. I know. I know.

** I am from Connecticut, where you are free to stab me in the eye with an icepick, just please don’t shout at me.