manslations

This is a photo (from TMZ.com) that some strange person snapped of Courtney Love on her way home from some cosmetic surgery*. Dear sweet je-bus. Ok. Wow. You know, I don’t think that the lack of…er…that…was your number one priority issue, Court. I don’t even think it would make the “Top 10 Things For Which You Might Want to See a Doctor, Like, Today” (even if different drugs are not counted individually.)

Seriously, I wonder if this is what she was going for? Or is she as disturbed by this result as I am? I mean, is it possible that she actually went in there and said, “Doctor, I feel like I look terrifying in a ‘years of drug use’ kind of way. What I’d really like is to be terrifying in an ‘I’ve got enough money to buy a new head’ kind of way? How much for that?”

Honestly, half of me believes that she had this done because she heard it comes with anesthesia. (The other half of me is thinking about cake right now, not paying attention to this item at all.)

I hope that she kept the receipts. I think she’s going to want to return that chin. It scares me.

Now, I can’t speculate on motive here, but I’ve got to believe that the idea is to feel more attractive, no? Please, ladies, believe the next thing that I type.

Men do not want this.

No man who’s worth anything, anyway. We are responsible for a lot of lousy crap in this world (slavery, Hiroshima, the goatee) but you can’t pin this one on us. Sure, a man probably invented it. Ok, yeah, it was probably some douche who was getting men to do this to their wives. Yeah, ok, we might have invented this one. Put it onto the pile.

But just because somebody invented it, that doesn’t mean it’s to be done. Somebody invented lobotomies, and you don’t see rich people going out and getting those. Well, not anymore. (Although I have to admit, you can’t even see the scars from when Paris got hers. Best thing she could have done for her career, really. Can you imagine what a hit her popularity would take if she was smart?)

The point is that this surgery is the kind of thing that happens when people don’t consult ME on issues — a foolish mistake made by too many people in this world. Probably because they’ve never heard of me, nor do they think I’ve got any insights into anything. They may have a point. Hm. But my rates are so reasonable.

Regardless, had they asked, I’d have told them that no real man wants his woman to go under the knife.** Especially to look like this:

Ladies, please stop doing this. Unless you love it, and you really think this makes you look more beautiful, in which case…well…you might want to have that lobotomy adjusted first. You’ve got it on too tight.

And if men ever gave you the impression that WE wanted this, we SO take it back. Personally I’d really rather not be able to kiss your left cheek through your head as I am kissing your right cheek. No, I know that sounds convenient — you know, multi-tasking and all that. But after the initial rush it gets really weird. Not unlike this post.

*I can not imagine being a papparazzo, getting a phone call — “Quick, get downtown! Dame Judy Dench just took a dump in a hat! Go! Go! Go! I want shots of that hat for tomorrow’s edition!” That goes directly into the pile of jobs I would never want to have. (Right below”any job at all.”)

**I can only assume that they have more sophisticated instruments than a ‘knife.’ I didn’t go to medical school, you understand***.

***I know that’s hard to believe.