manslations

Hello all. Before we break for the weekend (after which I’ve got several reader requests which I will manslate!) I wanted to see what was going on out there in the manslatable world. Here we go:

Does This Incredibly Successful TV Series Make Me Look Gay?

Nope. Nothing gay going on here. Just 2 healthy, fit, attractive dudes, all dirty, their eyes searching into one another. I mean…not searching, uh, gazing at…I mean LOOKING at…I mean not “looking at” each other, but, like, you know, we’re just looking, you know?

Isaiah Washington’s got a new show already. He said he was sorry. For a couple of different versions of the story, actually. And he was sorry for all of them. He spoke with some gay leaders. He never called anyone “sugar tits” or anything, so…uh…that’s a plus?

Homophobia requires some manslation I think. It’s a weird one. The thought seems to be that if a dude is anti-gay, he’s probably gay himself? Or at least he’s afraid that he might be a gay guy without knowing it? Or that if he hears about something gay, but doesn’t call it gay before the buzzer rings, he goes into the lightning round where the scores are doubled? Or something? Yeah, I can’t quite work this fear out. I don’t totally get it.

Interestingly, homophobia is the only fear where they say that kind of thing. “Oh, man, she is terrified of snakes. Just petrified of them. I mean who is she kidding? When is she going to just admit that she’s a snake? When all the other little girls had EZ Bake ovens, she was slithering around eating mice. That is NOT a phase, ok?”

I’m not sure what the manslation is here. Other than this. Isaiah. You’re incredibly rich and famous. You were on one of those TV shows that make women want to do you, pretty much whenever you want. And you nearly effed that up for good. From now on, Isaiah, before speaking, ask yourself, “What would super sensitive Patrick Dempsey say?” Get a bracelet that says that to remind you. Wait…that’s not gay, is it?

The Rhode Island Foot Licker

The Smoking Gun has the mugshot of a gentleman (maybe an overstatement, that word) who was arrested for going up to women and licking their feet and ankles without asking. A lot. In all fairness, in his mugshot he looks really, really sorry.

Manslation: Does “kuh-ray-zee” really need a manslation? I don’t know. Then again, maybe he’s not insane at all. Maybe he’s just one of those hopeless dreamers who believes that a kiss is all the sweeter if it’s a surprise. I mean, it wouldn’t have been very romantic to actually meet these women before violating their feet and ankles, now would it?

Fella, I have a feeling you’re about to be sent to a place where you’re going to learn what “violation” is really all about.

Manslation: Sure, all men want to do this sort of thing, but the vast majority of us know that you are in for at LEAST a couple of drinks and a, “Where’d you go to college?” before you get there, that’s minimum.

Howard Stern says “better to be engaged than married.”

Manslation? Howard Stern allows himself to say things that most men are smart enough to keep well hidden. And, I mean, she can’t even be mad about it, can she? Not at this point. What’s she going to say, “I had no idea you were like that” or something?

Congratulations, young lady. You’ve got that guy. The guy who invented the character “fart man.” Forever.

Al Gore’s Daughter Gets Married

This is every young man’s nightmare. I’m sure Al’s really nice and all. But if your woman was raised by the man who is, say, attempting to save the entire planet, winning oscars, with people begging him to run for President. Again. Oh and he was President for about 15 minutes in there somewhere*. And he also seems to be a pretty great guy.

So, no pressure, kid.

I just hope you’ve got the cure for cancer lying around someplace.

*If you believe in, you know, “reality”.