manslations

I got a manslations request (sent to me via THIS page) from a woman who calls herself “Curvy Spice.” Curvy was offended by a male internet dater’s “dating weight restrictions”. Frankly, it sounds like she e-kicked his ass about it a little without having even to suffer a date with him. So that’s fun! (I think she might have still been a little peeved when she was writing to me, in fact.)

I’ve put her email text in pink, cuz, err, she’s a girl? I don’t know. It breaks it up down there visually, though, no? Here’s what she writes:

Recently I berrated someone, a man I was clearly not going to date for the inclusion of “Excessive Weight” as a category which was a deal breaker for him going out with women. When pressed on this issue he defended his position with this brillant statement: “I’d just like to say that you’re in great shape; in fact, you have nice curves. I apologize if I offended you in any way, but I do have limitations about the weight: if you are 250lbs and you look like the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man, that would be a deal breaker.”

Boy, Curvy, I bet he could just knock you over with a feather after a compliment like that, huh? Huh? (Sadly, he probably thought that would be the effect of his “Oh, but not YOU” style compliment.)

First, nice use of a semi-colon in an online dating email exchange. Your formality is appreciated considering how much I am never going to date you. Second, obviously he has his Ghostbusters references all screwed up (It’s “Stay Puft” you ass) and clearly I can’t date him on this basis alone. I believe sir that is a dealbreaker for me.

Yeah, that’s pretty pathetic. Fancy-pantsy punctuation combined with a slipshod knowledge of classic American cinema? Clearly, this man is not the KeyMaster.

Third, I like his abstract reference to “the weight” like its an object apart from the person attached to it. I’m not turned off by fat women just their weight. If they’d just leave their weight at home, with their babies, and their need for commitment, we could have a grand old time.

(This is the part where I think maybe she’s still a little angry about the letter. I’m just going to tiptoe along here, attempting to avoid getting caught in the rage blast zone.)

Sidenote: in all honesty, I myself would prefer that folks leave their children at home. Those things are out of control.

Mr. Manslator shouldn’t honesty about a woman’s weight be one of those things men should know to stay away from? Don’t they know we want them to lie here? I realize you have recently dealt with issues men should lie about. Is this not a subcategory to Issue #5.

Curvy is referring to my post about lies that men should just be allowed to tell. This guy’s reasoning here is that since he isn’t talking badly about YOUR weight, he must be in the clear. Boy is he is wrong about that.

Also if you put in your dating profile you won’t date women who are excessively overweight then some women regardless of their aforementioned fabulous curves may find this emphasis on physical appearance to be, shall we say, hmmm, shallow. Wait I think they made a movie about this and cast maybe the second skinniest girl alive (the first skinniest always being Keira Knightly whose chest is in fact now caving in on itself and she has innies where she should have outie boobs) as a fat girl.

Yeah, see, that is the real issue, isn’t it? It’s not that he’s necessarily “shallow” because, let’s face it, you wouldn’t go out with one of those dudes who needs to be removed from his house by Dr. Phil driving a forklift, either, would you? The difference is that most of us have the brains not to, you know, SAY that.

(Any smart person knows that the way to get at this is, “Must love the outdoors, hiking, biking, etc.” You know, stuff that such a person would die from.)

I mean I assume men think about the physical appearance of the women they go out with and think about this a lot and probably fixate on it and really let’s face it, maybe its all they are thinking about but I figure they wouldn’t be that stupid to advertise it. I guess my basic question is, are men that stupid?
–Curvy Spice

I believe we have arrived at the manslations request. Are men this stupid? Well, sadly, the answer is: “In this case? Yes.” This guy is a moron.

Again, he’s not a moron merely because he doesn’t want to date the Stay Puft Marshmallow man. Hell, I don’t either. Neither do YOU. I don’t care if you used to roast Stay Puft Marshmallows with Dan Ackroyd at Camp Oconda, nobody wants that.

We all have our various shallow dating requirements. This guy is a moron because he somehow doesn’t know better than to say so. Most of us, by the time we reach adulthood, learn to pretend that we’d be totally cool with dating anyone – IN THEORY. And isn’t that what adulthood is all about — learning how and when to lie about things that nobody should ever admit, even though they are absolutely true? Of course it is.

MANSLATION VERDICT: Relationship Newbie

If you read something like this in someone’s profile, understand that you are most likely dealing with someone who has ZERO experience dating a woman for longer than, say, ten seconds. It’s in long-term relationships where men learn that honesty isn’t always what is required (lest we be stabbed in our sleep.)

Hey, this fool might even turn out ok in a few years — who knows? But for now, you’re dealing with a dude who needs to get out there and get the stupid knocked out of him in a relationship or two.

Kudos, Curvy, for electing NOT to be the stupid-kicker dating instructor in this situation. Let somebody else offer the training sessions. Who has the time for that crap?

What say you, ladies? Any other stupid things we men should know better than to admit?