manslations

Ok, so this is Paris Hilton and the dude she’s been spending her time with. (hint: he’s the one who looks high) I think I read that he was a medical research scientist or an astrophysicist or something…no wait. Surfer, that was it. (I think I got a contact-high just from looking at this picture. Also, I might have dropped a few I.Q. points.)

There was an incident reported recently where he said that a very famous woman slipped him a roofie and “forced” him (hohoheeheehaha) to have a 3-way with her and her female friend. Paris’s people quickly said that it was not her, but in fact a totally different…very famous woman…with whom this guy has also been spending his time, I guess. Well…uh…I guess that resolves that.

Anyway, listen, I’m sure that there are any number of heiresses, starlets, and such out there reading this website for the Roofie Tips for Overprivileged Girls Section (I apologize that it’s taking me so long to get that section up and running. For some reason, every time I start working on it I keep passing out, having sex, and not remembering it.)

In it, I will answer all the big questions about how you should go about date-rape-drugging your hanger-on boy-toy surfer/t-shirt designers. Where to get designer roofies that match his outfit? What’s the dosage-to-vegan-burrito ratio? How best to distract him from being totally distracted already — and for long enough to dose the drink? (hint: try, “Hey look at that mirror! That looks JUST like you!” Or just give him a ball of string.)

Paris, if you chance to bump into that other incredibly famous woman who’s been drug-boning your boyfriend, please have her read the following preview:

MANSLATIONS VERDICT: Oh, come ON.

Paris (or whoever, I mean) you can’t date rape someone whose every remaining brain cell is trying to have sex with you. You can’t make him any easier than he already is. Save your energy — there IS no one easier than a guy in his early 20s. It’d be harder to convince your Prada vibrator to comply than this guy. At that age, we’re already set on “1″ or whatever the easy-to-get-into-bed rating system is.

So, Paris (innocent until proven guilty, could have been anyone) next time, try this instead: Don’t bother to get the drug — just SAY, “I’m going to roofie your drink, take you home, and force you into a 3-way against your will.” Now, you won’t even get the chance to dose his drink — he’ll have already dropped it and gone to get the coats.

TOMORROW – ANOTHER ALL NEW READER REQUEST! Keep them coming, people!