This week, Lindsay Lohan’s escapades have finally elevated her to the level of celebrity news that I actually enjoy — the full-on, outdoor, public meltdown. Finally, I’m interested.

The fact that her current defense is, “The cocaine wasn’t mine,” just makes me a happier audience member. It would be as if Phil Spector’s defense was, “No, no — I was just killing her for a friend.”

That said, in the interest of saving young Lindsay’s life for the preservation of future hilarity, I feel that the only way to bring balance to the Force will be for her to swing that hoochie-pendulum all the way to the other side, and become a spinster. A no holds barred, creepy, sit at home and clip coupons while waiting by the mailbox for wedding invitations from her niece-style spinster.

Now, since spinsterhood requires a complete embargo on all things that might endanger her of meeting a man, I have compiled a list of steps that she can take to get there.

WARNING:

Unless you want to spend your evenings converting recipie measurements into single serving equivalents, DO NOT attempt any of the following steps.

1. FIND SPINSTER JESUS: Not just regular Jesus, ok? And it definitely can’t be the cool, “Everybody love everybody” Jesus. She has to find Spinster Jesus — the one who sends girls to the lake of fire for chewing gum or crossing their legs.
2. PETS, PETS, PETS: And it’s not just cats, either (although, you can’t go wrong with a half dozen kitties with names from Shakespeare.) Could be anything, and the more of them the better. As long as they require nightly attention. Practice this phrase, “I can’t go out — If I don’t get home and feed Ophelia and Balthazar by 6:30, they’ll spray. And Ferrett Hilton needs her eyedrops.” (Bonus points if you have fashion shows in which you dress up your little ones in fancy dresses and watch them run around, but don’t tell anyone else about it.)
3. NO MORE SEX: This one seems obvious, but I’m not just talking about not HAVING sex. I’m talking about developing an attitude of suspicion toward the thought of appearing as if you might be thinking about having sat near someone who has ever had thoughts about sex. People who know you should wonder if you believe in the very existence of genitals. (Answer: You’re not sure. The jury’s still out.)
4. SUSPICION TOWARD FUN: This is your new best friend. (Well…only friend.) Start by aiming your suspicion at little things that seem mildly enjoyable (dancing, hopscotch, playing bridge) but eventually work your way up to pretty much anything that doesn’t involve sitting at home with very few lights on, thinking of new ways to save money at the grocery store.
5. LANGUAGE!: Not only should you be completely stop using all profanity, you should become WILDLY offended by others who use it. When you hear so much as “damn,” your shoulders should stiffen as if the person was running their fingernails down a chalkboard while tasering you.
6. FEAR TECHNOLOGY MORE RECENT THAN A SEWING MACHINE: No more blackberry –get an old rotary phone from the time before polio. Also, ditch the iPod and maybe learn to play the harpsichord.
7. COLLECT SOMETHING CREEPY: Obviously, you could go classic and choose glass figurines, little pewter dogs, Hummels, etc. But as long as you are collecting a ton of something so boring that no one can imagine even wanting ONE of them, you’re golden. (Think “framed cereal boxtops from around the world” kind of thing.) This is your one vice, so make it bland!
8. GLARE OF DISAPPROVAL: Really, it all comes down to this look. Practice while looking at your reflection in your absurdly dust-free coffee table (you don’t believe in mirrors. Vanity!) If you can raise one eyebrow, purse your lips, and instantly dehumidify your gigantic, beige underpants using only the power of your mind, you’re there.

Well, good luck, Lindsay. I hope these suggestions save your life at least long enough for us to see another relapse. May your days be filled with pride, prejudice, and anything that wuthers.

Oh, and if that, “It wasn’t mine,” defense doesn’t work out for you, try, “Ummm…somebody told me I could have this.” That one always used to work when we were 9 too, no?

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