manslations

Welcome back, everyone, to Friday’s Manslations News Roundup. Lots of great little stories that would have fallen by the wayside, if not for the eagle eye of, ah…Well, of me, I suppose. I have an eagle eye. I keep it in the pocket of my waistcoat.

I don’t have a waistcoat. At least, I don’t think I do. I’m not 100% sure what one is.

Let’s get on with the news, shall we?

PARIS HILTON’S CARTOON SERIES

Stan Lee, the creator of Marvel Comics and Spiderman, is going to be creating a cartoon for MTV based upon Paris Hilton. Her superpowers will be that she was bitten by a radioactive tiara, and…ah, screw it, she’s just really rich. She has the power of commanding total media attention while simultaneously having nothing to say. She is: The Insipidator!

Manslation: Men have been looking at Stan Lee’s improbably proportioned female characters for a long, long time. In ways for which the state of Florida seems to want to incarcerate us, apparently (see below).

Even given his background creating ultra-fake spandexed superheroines, I think Stan Lee has an excellent chance of making Paris Hilton appear more three dimensional and lifelike than she ever has before. Honestly, even two dimensions would be a nice step up.

SPEAKING OF PARIS HILTON…AND DRUGS… AND COURTNEY LOVE…

Courtney Love reported on her website that there were drugs at one of Paris Hilton’s parties. And I believe her. She wasn’t even there — she could smell them from several hundred miles away. Like a shark can smell blood. I actually just got high from typing her name.

Manslation: I don’t really know what the Manslation is. I just wanted to apologize to all the actual human women of the world for the fact that men want to have sex with Paris Hilton and Courtney Love. Well..Paris Hilton, anyway.

We promise, it’s just because they keep showing her picture on the TEEvee. The television told us to want to do it. Just like it told you to want to spoon with Dr. McDreamy, and comfort him while he broods. It’s natural law, people.

Damn you, televis–hey look! Jack Bauer!

24 GETS A WOMAN PRESIDENT, JACK BAUER STILL AGREES TO SAVE WORLD. IDIOTS PUZZLED

Next season on 24, Cherry Jones has been cast to play the President. 24 has now already had 2 black presidents, and now a female one. (And in boring old “real life” all we get is the retarded one. I mean, it’s great for equality and all, but come on.)

Of course, now Kiefer Sutherland is going to have to re-memorize all of those lines. “I can’t DO that, Mr. President! No wait! Sorry! MRS. President! Golly, this is really hard…”

Manslation: Every man secretly believes that he’s a few situps away from being Jack Bauer. We’re all pretty sure that one day the Navy SEALs are going to call up and say, “We’re under attack, we just lost half our squad! We need YOU!” And by god, we’ll be ready.

And if a female president doesn’t threaten Jack Bauer’s masculinity, embarrassingly, I bet that will go a long way to convincing a TON of the idiots out there.

If Hillary knows what’s good for her, she’ll hire Kiefer Sutherland to head her security detail. Or anyone else named “Kiefer.” That’s one of those words where if you type it a couple of times, you’re really not sure it was ever a word in the first place. Kiefer. Weird.

Side Note: If Hillary wins, it will be such a victory for all the shitty, hack comics of the world. They’ll be able to recycle all their moronic Geraldine Ferraro jokes from the 80s about the threat of nuclear weapons launches for 5 days every month. Gosh, what a treat. I can hardly wait.

NOT THE MASTER OF HIS DOMAIN (or cellblock)

Finally, the Smoking Gun reports that an inmate in a Florida prison was sentenced to an additional 60 days in custody after being found guilty of masturbating.

Manslation: If ever there was a plan to remove all men from society, this is it. Personally, I haven’t gone totally without it for 60 consecutive days since, oh, let’s say 60 days and one second before I figured out that it existed. If they start putting us in jail every time we rub one out, you’re pretty much going to have to give us the death penalty, because we’re not stopping.

Either that, or you are going to be creating a more evolved breed of masturbator, a stealthjacker, able to pleasure himself without showing any outward signs of ecstasy or sleepiness afterwards.

Is that what we really want, America? Is that what this country is about? I think not. Please, type those one-handed emails to your Congressman.

Have a great weekend everybody, and I’ll be back next week with reader manslations requests, and more. Come on back, won’t you?

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