manslations

I’d love to say I’ve had enough of this photo, but it just hasn’t happened yet. Schadenfreude simply won’t let me let go. What can I tell you — LiLo happens to be crazy in exactly the way that I like. Public and Huge.

Early last week (when Lindsay was still between meltdowns) it is rumored that her boyfriend, Callum Best, dumped her — supposedly because her freakout-free existence was boring the crap out of him.

Well, first of all, if his issue was that he wanted her to be a trainwreck again, wow. Wish granted. Say what you will, but that girl knows how to address a problem. If I were you, Lindsay, I’d definitely make him your one phone call, that prince. He’ll totally take you back NOW!

But more important than Lindsay’s personal situation, what does this breakup tell us about male behavior in general? I’m so glad you asked me that, bold portion of the last sentence that I wrote!

Ladies, here’s what you can learn from this gentleman:

• KNOW WHO YOU ARE: If you’re a coked-to-the-rafters basket case, you need to be true to that, ladies. Stick with your strengths, is all I’m saying. (Good work correcting your course on that, LiLo.)
• KNOW WHO YOU’RE WITH: Men like you not only for who you are, but also for who THEY are when they’re with you. If you are dating a lunatic douchebag, and your relationship is built on coke, booze, and crazy, don’t expect him to understand right away if you forsake all the things that brought you together in the first place.
• WE’RE NOT MIND READERS: When he first started dating her, how was poor Callum (with a name like that, honestly, how could he not be a douche?) supposed to know that she was going to go all rehab on him? And so many times in such rapid succession! And why would she just assume he could handle it? No wonder her behavior threw him like that. Poor guy.
• NO OBSTACLE COURSES: Some women seem to believe in a version of the following: “I really love him. So what I’ll do is, I’ll make dating me intolerable. Really mess with him. That way, I’ll know if he REALLY loves me, because he’ll be the one who put up with all of my crap. It can’t miss!” This would be a brilliant plan if it weren’t so completely stupid. If getting wasted and public screaming is what brought you together, don’t give it all up just to test him, and see if he’ll weather the sobriety storm. It never works. You won’t end up with the guy you want, you end up with a doormat who honestly doesn’t even care if you never get high again. Is that who you want? You deserve worse than that, Lindsay, and deep down, you knew it.

Anyway, Lindsay, I’m glad to see that you’ve made a triumphant, public, crazy, loud, coked up, high-speed-car-chase return to your roots. (Your personal roots, I’m saying — nothing to do with your hair.) I hope that you have proven to Callum what you’re really made of — that you’re worthy of him. And I hope you two kids find your way home to whatever potentially entertaining (for me) nonsense you had going.

But either way, you’re being yourself. And by great Apollo’s chariot, isn’t that what it’s all about?

(Cue the poignant tear. No, not from the old Native American guy from the litter commercials! That’s a sad tear. Wrong message entirely! Cut, cut, cut! Oh screw it, just keep it — we’ll fix it in editing.)

TOMORROW: Debunking the Myth that men aren’t in touch with their feelings!

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