manslations

Women (and I think you know who you are) seem to have fallen under the impression that men aren’t in touch with their feelings because we are so unwilling to talk about them. Today I, Jeff Mac (you didn’t forget who I am, did you?), am going to take the position that you couldn’t be more wrong*.

FACT: Men are 100% in touch with their feelings. We just aren’t aware of them, and can’t talk about them.

Ok, stay with me. Now, it is true that we can’t talk about them. If you ever want to see what a blank stare is really all about, ask a man, “What are you feeling right now?” You can almost hear his brain flatline.

The answer (if an answer comes at all) will likely be one of the following:

• That whole “hummina hummina hummina” deal that Ralph Kramden used to do.
• Completely made up nonsense, lies, etc.
• “Uh. Feelings, feelings. Um…I feel kind of…itchy? Hold on – hungry! No, wait — is ‘tired’ a feeling?“

BUT CAN’T YOU JUST TELL US THE TRUTH? I hear you saying, pinkly.

No. We just don’t think about feelings consciously. Remember — men secretly think that they might be called upon at any moment to stop the Nazis from finding the Lost Ark of the Covenant. How would thinking about our feelings help in this situation?

See what I mean?

Also, we dread this question because we know that women always know the answer to it. In fact, for all we know, you probably know how WE are feeling too. And how would it look if we got it wrong and you had to tell us:

“Honey, right now you’re sad.”

“Sad, huh? Thanks. Keep me posted, I guess.”

See, that’s just embarrassing. Plus, no giant boulders rolling after you, no “throw me the wheep.” Nothing.

So given that we are SO incapable of discussing our feelings, how can I say that men are 100% in touch with them?

Ok, number one, I run this website, and can say whatever I want whenever I feel like it. (So stick that in your smipe and poke it.)

But here’s the real answer. Even when we can’t talk about what we’re feeling, even when we say the exact OPPOSITE of what we’re feeling, even when we haven’t the slightest idea WHAT we are feeling, men are always BEHAVING in strict accordance with what we’re feeling. We can’t help it.

MANSLATIONS RULE # 137 : WHEN THERE IS ANY CONFLICT BETWEEN WHAT A MAN SAYS AND WHAT HE DOES, FORGET WHAT HE SAYS.

Here are a few examples:

• He says, “I had a great time — I’ll call you,” but then doesn’t.
• He says, “No, nothing’s wrong,” but he won’t spend any time with you.
• He says he wants a “real relationship” but you only hear from him at 3am when he’s drunk and wants to come over for sex.
• He says noncommittal things or not much at all, but he keeps finding reasons to spend time with you.
• He says he’s psyched to hang out with your friends, and then “forgets” what night you’re getting together with them.

NONE OF THESE SITUATIONS ARE MYSTERIOUS IF YOU KNOW WHERE TO LOOK (HINT: it’s never what he says.)

I’ve been in plenty of situations where I said (and believed) that “nothing was wrong” and I “wanted to stay” but my legs (who take orders from the guts) were already walking, telling me, “Sorry, pally. It’s time to am-scray, vamoose, twenty-three skiddoo.”**

So, if you’re not sure how a man is feeling, DON’T ASK HIM TO TELL YOU. You might as well ask your dog those questions at the end of Inside the Actors Studio***. Just pay attention to what he’s doing. Hell, when we’re talking about how we feel, we’re barely listening ourselves.

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*Well…I mean, I guess you COULD be more wrong. If you believed that men were a super-intelligent breed of coconut and women were a super-intelligent breed of squirrel, yeah, that’s even more wrong.

**It was on these occasions that I realized that my legs are mobsters from 1928. That’s a tough day in any man’s life. But I handled it with aplomb. Buttloads of aplomb.

***I wouldn’t recommend this. Your dog’s not famous, so who cares what job or occupation he’d like to attempt?