Ok, we’ve all seen those commercials about a man putting on various male body sprays, instantly converting the women around him into sexually ravenous beasts, hellbent on doing him, regardless of how unattractive he is.

This is it. This is how starved for information men are about you people. I hope you’re happy. Men are so confused by women that they are trying to sell us woman-do-sex-to-me spray, and some men are buying it.

“What the hell do they WANT? Is it a smell? Maybe it’s THIS smell! I know! I’ll spray myself with this. Maybe women will do me if I smell like this! Perfect! No? Ok, uh…maybe it’s a different smell!“

Let this serve as an example of why you should NOT trust that a man will “pick up on” basically anything.

SENDING US “SIGNALS”

Some women I know get very frustrated when a man isn’t “picking up on their signals.” Please give up on this hope. It isn’t working.

To try to “hint” at what you want to a man, is like trying to train your dog by saying, “Listen, I’d prefer it if you didn’t get up on the couch.”

That little guy doesn’t know what the hell you’re talking about. Not even if you use small words. Doesn’t really speak that language. All he knows is: the lady who normally pets me is making noises, and what can I do to make her go back to scratching my belly again? You’ve got to give him something that HE understands.

AND NOW, I, JEFF MAC, GIVE YOU THE ONE WAY MEN WILL EVER UNDERSTAND YOU. EVER.

Ready? Ok, you can look at the puppy for 5 more seconds, but then we really have to move on.

TELL US WHAT YOU WANT.

That’s it. Sorry. We really are sorry about that. We know you want us to just know, but we don’t. And we’re never going to. Ever. Not even if we’re “the one.” Not even if we REALLY like you. No. If you want us to just know what you’re thinking without telling us, I don’t know what to tell you. Try dating the Amazing Kreskin.

What trips us up is what a female friend of mine calls “Situational Reality.” In other words, the very same stuff you do in one situation can mean entirely different stuff in another situation.

EXAMPLE: “Do you like this outfit?”

If you ask this question, we know that it could mean any of the following:

• Do you like this outfit?
• Do you like ME?
• I’m feeling fat, and want you to tell me I’m beautiful.
• Please pay attention to me right now.
• I really like this outfit, and want you to tell me how right I am to like it.
• I want to see if you are listening.
• Just tell me you like the god damned outfit.
• I really want to buy this outfit, but it’s really expensive, and I promised myself I wasn’t going to buy any more clothes until I paid off my credit card, and I am not sure if it looks good enough to justify the price, and I want you to tell me it IS.
• Any combination of the above, or a thousand other things.

This is why we always say, “Yeah, that looks great.” We know it’s not what you want, but at least it’s not going to get us killed.

Throw us a bone here, ladies. I promise, if you actually told us the truth of what you were after, we’d at least maybe do it.

MANSLATIONS HOMEWORK

The next time you’re considering sending a man a subtle signal, give up hope on that sort of “magic” and just tell him what you want.

If you’re on a date, and you want him to kiss you, and he’s not picking up on your vibe, actually tell him, “You know, I’m no scientist, but I think you need to kiss me now.”

If you want your man to tell you that you look unbelieveably beautiful in your outfit, say, “Don’t you want to tell me how unbelieveably beautiful I look in this outfit?”

If you say that in a fun and flirty way, you won’t believe how well he will respond. You’ll both probably crack up, and then he will most likely do EXACTLY what you want, and no one will have to buy any magical body sprays.

And if he doesn’t pick up on THAT, well…you might actually be on a date with your dog. In which case, his understanding of your signals is most likely the second problem you should deal with.