manslations

FAITH HILL DEFENDS THE FAMILY JEWELS

As Tim McGraw was walking between a barricade and the stage (not a euphemism, I don’t care how dirty it sounds), one of his more exuberant fans grabbed him by the balls. Strangers almost never do this to me. I suppose that’s fine. Those things are pretty delicate down there, and you don’t just want any old country-crazed hillbillesse messing with them. (Gently, Lurleen, gently.) But I’m not going to stand here and say I’m not disappointed. I suppose that’s what I get for being unfamous. And not leaving my apartment very often.

Faith Hill apparently went a little crazy on the fan (as I’m sure my girlfriend is planning to do to MY imaginary balltugging stranger who doesn’t exist, mentioned in the previous paragraph). I just wonder if McGraw had a moment of, “Oh, Faith, honey, ah, it’s no trouble. This young lady’s just sayin’ hello to the boys, is all.” Of course, had he done so, Ms. Hill would have killed both the fan AND Tim.

Ah, love and the nutgrab of a stranger. So complex. (And a great name for a country song! Faith? Tim? I smell a grammy!)

RUSSIA GETS ITS STUFF ALL OVER THE POLE

Russia planted a flag on the bottom of the ocean. Why? Hey, look. There’s still places out there where they haven’t stuck it. Makes a guy want to take his submarine and cruise on over to see what’s going on.

After all, their old rival has been sticking HIS flag in Iraq, Afghanistan (plus god knows where else he can think of in the next year and a half.) He’s getting his stuff all over everydamnplace. Plus, Russia’s lost all those superfreak Eastern Bloc countries with tons of eye makeup (because they just learned that it existed) leaving Russia holding its flag with noplace new to stick it.

Let’s not flagblock them again. The North Pole isn’t anything to fight over. And if we ever decide we want it, what, do you think Russia is going to be any kind of competition? The North Pole will be like, “Russia, I’m sorry, but have you seen the size of America’s economy?” Russia will mutter something about how he heard we had contracted a sub-prime mortgage problem, but he’ll back down.

Let’s move on, shall we?

MAN FOLLOWS GPS INSTRUCTIONS DIRECTLY INTO A TREE

Yes, a driver listened to his GPS, even as he passed several “no entry” signs, over the walkway, and into a cherry tree. (I like to imagine that GPS lady’s voice actually telling him, “Crash into a cherry tree.”)

Needless to say, this was a man. They didn’t need to tell me that. Men fall in love with these gadgets. You know why? Because, unlike women, we understand them. Or at least we believe we can figure them out. If you press the right buttons, the same stuff happens EVERY TIME. (Well, except when they crash you into a tree. But we’re WORKING on that!) Look, anything not to have to ask for directions.

Just let your men drive around like idiots, ladies. Just let us work it out. Don’t make us ask for directions. We’ll argue about it until we drive you into a tree. Making us ask is basically like saying, “Listen, Thog, you’re never going to be able to provide mammoth meat for me, ok? We both know it. Why don’t we just ask Croz for some — he always has extra.” Not cool.

Ok, if you allow us to NOT ask for directions, we promise to pretend to be offended when strangers grab our nuts when we’re performing at a concert. Deal? No? All right, I’ll pull over and ask.

BUS DRIVER FORCES BUXOM WOMAN TO CHANGE SEATS

In Germany, a bus driver made a decision in the name of public safety when he forced a busty young woman to switch seats, so he wouldn’t see her cleavage in the rear view mirror. A man choosing to remove breasts from view? Most would have crashed the bus on purpose if they thought it would get them a closer look.

Bless you, German Bus Driver With Improbable Self Control. You have given hope to the boob-mesmerized men of the world, that one day WE might be able to put the lives of ourselves and others ahead of our desire for just one more momentary glimpse.

You know, now that I think about it, I bet he only said that so that, while he was telling her off, he could get a good, long look. (Sigh. Women of the world, we’re really sorry we’re how we are. If it makes you feel any better, we’re way worse than you’ll ever have to know.)

That’s all for this week, everyone! Thanks so much for stopping by. Traffic has just been through the roof this week. KEEP IT UP, PEOPLE! Please, invite your friends to stop by! Comment, send in manslations requests, the whole “internet” thing. And for those of you who are here for the very first time, here are the 5 most popular posts of the month of July:

• 5 Lies You Should LET a Man Tell
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• 2 Questions to Understand All Male Behavior