Should You Call/Email Him After a Date? A Manslations Exposé
I get this question a LOT. And the women who haven’t asked, well, they probably should have. The ideas about what men think about this seem to be all over the place. There was a post over at hilario-blog Jezebel.com a couple of weeks ago that asked this very question. It seems like some women drive themselves totally nuts on this subject, and you really don’t have to.
Let’s go through the most common questions, shall we? (Since I can’t hear you, I’ll assume you said ‘Sure, pally. Type away!’ This is how I assume you say things.)
Q: SHOULD THE WOMAN MAKE FIRST CONTACT AFTER A DATE?
A: You know, it doesn’t matter as much as you think. If you keep it light and flirty, it really can’t hurt you. You’re not going to screw up by telling him you had fun. Think about it:
- IF HE LIKES YOU: He will like hearing from you. No, stop arguing. Never, ever, in the history of the world, has a man said, “I really like this woman. I had a great time on our date. But then she told me that SHE had a good time as well. Ugh. What a turnoff.” Never. Seriously, stop arguing.
- IF HE DOESN’T LIKE YOU: Well, it’s not going to matter anyway, so who cares? What’s he going to do, come and kill you? If he blows you off after you call or email him, trust me, he was going to blow you off anyway.
- IF HE ISN’T SURE IF HE LIKES YOU OR NOT: I can’t remember this ever happening to me (like women, we usually know one way or the other) but if he somehow IS so freaked out by an email that he can’t take it, you have gone on a date with Rainman. In which case, you know, maybe you’re better off. (Again, this never happens.)
Q: WHAT SHOULD I SAY?
DO
- tell him how much fun you had — you don’t need to go crazy, just “I had so much fun at the movie/restaurant/zeppelin ride.” What, would it kill you to go on a zeppelin ride now and again? Oh, right. (Too soon?)
- how you should do it again sometime soon — “If you’re up for it, I’d love to get together again sometime,” is fine here. I’d have it there, though, or else he might not know you want to. Seriously. (I’ve gotten emails after a date where I had zero idea if I should ask her out again.)
- How something he said/did was so funny/great/interesting– We all want to have left you with the impression that we are a great guy. You do think he’s a great guy, don’t you? (If you don’t, why do you want to go out with him again?)
DON’T
- get too specific about WHEN you want to go out again – You don’t want him to feel like you’re planning out his week for him. “I could do Wednesday, Thursday or Saturday. After that, I could do next Tuesday or Thursday, or…” This starts to sound like maybe you had a calendar printed up with pictures that you took of him in his sleep on the different months.
- tell him how many babies you want to have
- catalogue what you’d like your wedding ceremony to be like. Even if you’ve got it all planned out, and it’s going to kick ass.
- apologize for how fat (or ugly, tired, unfunny, or stupid) you thought you were on your date. Even if you do think this, even if you think you weren’t doing your best work, just shut up. If he likes you, he didn’t notice or care. If he didn’t like you, you’re not going to make him go, “Hm. Maybe she’ll be less stupid on our NEXT date.”
Basically, if he likes you, you want him to know that you like him and are up for another date. If he doesn’t like you, I don’t care how good a writer you are, he’s not going to like you any more or less after an email.
Q: SHOULD I CALL, TEXT, OR EMAIL?
A: In most cases, I’d go with an email. If it turns out he doesn’t like you…Personally, my life is humiliating enough that I don’t need to have a phone conversation about it if I can help it, you know?
I’d suggest email over text, because it’s easier to be clear about what’s going on. If you really like him, do you want your first communication to be “i hd fun lets do agn lol”? If I got that, I might feel like I had just been politely snubbed. Or that I had been on a date with one of the Bratz.
(DISCLAIMER: I am a hundred years old, so I’m not sure what the kids are doing these days with their fancy communication methods and their loud music and their designer drugs. Get off my lawn!)
Q: HOW LONG SHOULD I WAIT?
A: The next evening is actually totally acceptable. Some women think that if they email too quickly, it will scare him off. Unless you’re dating a baby deer in a forest, relax.
Then again, I suppose if you email him ten seconds after the date, and then again every five minutes until he responds, yeah, that would be a little creepy. But if he likes you, a single email 24 hours later is totally fine.
SAMPLE EMAIL:
Dear Ferdinand, (hey, it’s my website, I can write whatever I want.)
I just wanted to say that I had so much fun with you at the otter races last night. (my website, remember.) I was cracking up again about that story you told about the first otter you ever saw! How did he get into your parents’ teepee? So hilarious!
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know I had a great time. We should do it again sometime soon. Let me know.
See you soon,
Isabella
IF YOU LEARN NOTHING ELSE, REMEMBER THIS: You aren’t going to wreck anything with a nice, fun, short email to say “thanks I had fun”. If he’s the right guy, it will be great. And if he blows you off, he wasn’t the right guy — he was absolutely going to blow you off anyway, so no harm done.
What say you, ladies of Earth*? Any special circumstances I should cover here?
*Or wherever. I’m no racist. Unless you’re from the Andromeda Galaxy. We don’t serve your kind here.
Posted: August 6th, 2007 under Manslations Exposes, Manslations Fundamentals.
Comments
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time August 6, 2007 at 3:49 pm
Curvy, I am going to take your word on that. Latvia has rarely been a go-to laugh line for me, but whatever works works.
See, perfect example — something funny happened on the date, I’m guessing. In this case, it involved Latvia. So, you send a little message saying essentially, “Hey, I was thinking about how fun that time was when we laughed about that thing at that place. Discuss.”
Ok, so Latvia jokes via TXT are a go. Although, I want to say you probably should do that only if and when you talked about Latvia on the date. Otherwise, you might confuse him a tad.
Comment from Curvy Spice
Time August 6, 2007 at 8:25 pm
I will say this. Chechnya is always a downer. Stick with the lighter Baltic states.
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time August 7, 2007 at 6:19 am
Wow. There’s a lot more to this than I thought. I’ve been working on a hilarious anecdote about Belarus, but now I’m not sure…
Pingback from What You’re Googling: “HOW LONG SHOULD A WOMAN MAKE A MAN WAIT” « Manslations
Time September 27, 2007 at 6:34 am
[...] I get this one quite a bit — and this search term probably brings you to my post about making first contact after a date or this one about the man who never calls. But I think this googler is asking about when to have [...]
Comment from Mary
Time November 29, 2007 at 4:26 pm
I want to get your opinion (cuz I loved this post):
My boyfriend has “pulled back” in our relationship. He still calls every night and we chat for over an hour. But he isn’t emailing/texting/calling during the day like he used to. I miss that a lot, but I don’t want to crowd him if he just needs some room for appreciating me.
Is it ok to send him an email while this is all going on??
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time November 30, 2007 at 7:42 am
Mary: Well, I’ll tell you this much — calling for an hour a night isn’t TOO much of a pullback, heh! I don’t think there’s any problem with emailing him during the day. Doesn’t sound like there’s anything major going on with him, it’s pretty normal. (Most dudes don’t realize that when they start off calling/emailing/txting all the time, and then ease OFF on doing it as the relationship gets more serious, that it reads to you like we’re pulling back from you.)
Thanks for stopping by!
Comment from elphie
Time February 12, 2008 at 6:08 pm
Thanks, Jeff, for an amusing and useful view into the male mind on this minefield! However, although I’m sure that you’re right, I just have to rant about one of the items on the Don’t list: DON’T get too specific about WHEN you want to go out again. So, the woman is supposed to follow up and tell him what a good time she had and stroke his ego about how funny and smart he is and let him know that she’d like to do it again, but if she tries to take any initiative at all about defining what happens next then she’s the scary stalker girl?!? She’s supposed to lay herself out there and let him know how available she is, but then wait around and let him define when, where, how they see each other again? That sucks!
Comment from Linda McDonald
Time March 2, 2008 at 4:48 am
Hi I met this (well I thought lovely man) four weeks ago. I texted him a couple of days after meeting him and he called me back (he left a message) to say he would love to meet up but was a bit busy just now and asked if he could call me back. I texted him back that I got his message and apologised for not calling back sooner that day. I haven’t heard a word… Im confused…. What are your thoughts Id really appreciate them.
Comment from Zora
Time May 14, 2008 at 9:46 am
I met and danced with a really cool guy this past saturday( today is wednesday) we danced all night ! I had so much fun. We exchanged numbers. I have not heard from him… should I call first.
I wanted to text him and reference the dancing. He kept saying what a great dancer I was.
Comment from S
Time September 19, 2008 at 3:29 pm
Hmmm. I think if a guy likes you enough, a casual email won’t hurt. But what if he is on the fence? I don’t know…I think initiating contact can be taken for desperation from a woman. Let him chase you. Let him work for it. The harder he works for it, the more of a challenge you are, the more he will appreciate you.
Comment from Tanya
Time January 8, 2009 at 7:01 pm
Hi Jeff,
I’ve had a crush on this guy I go to school with for while now. I’ve never tried to initiate anything with him because even though he is cute, funny, smart, etc., he is also in a relationship. Recently I’ve been hanging out with him with a group of friends pretty regularly. Another guy in the group and I have been flirting and getting a little closer. (Closer consists of talking to each other over text message a few times a week and going to see a movie together – once.) I like him. I’m not sure I would like a long term relationship with him, but I’m having fun. (It only started about two weeks ago!) However, all of the friends were hanging out again last week, and I got a little drunk, and…I really wish you couldn’t see where this was going. We (me and the original crush) didn’t sleep together, but I’m told there was some lip contact. The Original Crush was pretty drunk, too, and I don’t think he meant anything serious by it. Also, I don’t think I would like a relationship with him, even if he did. The Guy I Like was there, though.
So, I guess my question to you is: can I ever expect to be forgiven? Was the Guy That I Like taking us serious enough to banish me forever?
Sincerely,
-Been feeling like a whore ever since and eagerly awaiting any manswers which can be offered. (Preferably not involving the words “no duh,” or “ouch,” or similar, if it can be at all helped. Although I have my doubts.)
p.s.
I know it sounds like I am in high school. However, I am actually in college.
Comment from Selena
Time January 9, 2009 at 8:53 am
Tanya,
I’m not Jeff but if I were “the guy you like” and saw you kissing someone else while drunk, I’d probably back off thinking you weren’t all that interested in me. If you were, you’d be lip locking with ME, no?
I suppose only time will tell. In the meantime, you might want to be a bit more careful with the alcohol consumption. No lecture, just a word to the wise. Wink.
Comment from leslie
Time March 8, 2009 at 11:07 am
I haven’t heard from the guy I’m casually dating in over a week, last time he called me he txt 4 times before hand and then waited a half and hour to call, I txt him monday and asked if we were hanging out tuesday and he said ‘well see u wanna c me huh’, i called tuesday but no answer, wtf do i forget this guy or what?
Comment from Nora
Time April 23, 2009 at 12:37 am
I’ve sent him a follow up email. But it’s been almost a week, he still has replied. I really want to know if I should just move on. But I have thought of several things that might be the dealbreakers. First, I told him ‘a guy is cute’ right in front of his face (it’s the second date, so I thought we could loose up a little bit). Second, I confronted him for something we fought over AIM. Third, I told him I was meeting another guy from the dating site we met. And at last, I told him I care about him alot, and I am hoping for something serious.
Jeff, do you think these are the reasons he’s ignoring me? Or maybe he’s just simply not interested any more? Please help, thanks!!!
Comment from travelinshoes
Time May 22, 2009 at 12:35 am
This guy i have been goin out with just stopped calling as he said i was needy (cuz i was calling him & asking him out due to my hectic schedule). He was always accepting my offers to go out so wtf? He said he did not mind iif i called & asked him out when my s chedule opened up. now he stopped calling & said i was needy & pushy.? I guess i just learned my first lesson after my divorce in dating eh?
Comment from jane
Time August 19, 2009 at 6:26 am
hmm, i’m not sure about emails either. i dated a guy for a month, saw him every weekend, sometimes twice a week. went out for a fab date, had three long snogs in the car. emailed him two days later and made a joke about how we’d disagreed on a fruit, and then never heard back from him. go figure. i felt pretty snubbed and embarassed and always blamed myself for sending that email.
Comment from Apri
Time September 28, 2009 at 7:30 pm
I love how we all have alot of the same problems.. mind is sorta similar.. I was talking to this guy for a about a week and last wendsday we finally hung out at his house.. we allways have great conversations and he tells me how we have chemistry and how he likes me, we flirted, made out, cuddled all the good stuff and the same night he told me he would call and that he had to go out of town.. Well he went out of town on thursday night and it is now monday night.. i havent heard a thing from him.. and i am just clueless to what has happened in the past 5 days.. i dont understand it.. can someone help !!
Comment from Karen
Time July 8, 2011 at 1:06 pm
I’ve been emailing a man that I am very much interested in for a few months now and last weekend we had our first date. It was amazing. At the end of the date, he said that he wants to see me again the following weekend and I said yes. Well the week has gone by and I havent heard from him since. Its Friday and the suspense is killing me. I dont want to seem clingy or desperate so i have not made any contact. What shall i do? Advice anyone, thank you.
Comment from Curvy Spice
Time August 6, 2007 at 3:12 pm
I have had success with a quick post-date texting joke about Latvia. This may not work on all men. Maybe only on those who you joked about Latvia with on the date. Yes there is such a thing as a flirty text about Latvia. It’s all in the inflection.