manslations

Today we’re going to spread the joy and wisdom to a celebrity couple in trouble. Our lucky recipients: Model Kate Moss and rock star Pete Doherty. By the way, a big congratulations to Pete for being given 4 weeks to prove he’s serious about quitting drugs before being thrown into jail! (I’m not Nostradamus or anything, Pete, but I’d suggest you enjoy the great outdoors during those 4 weeks.)

Regarding the relationship in peril, it seems that after one of their many breakups, Pete spoke with the newspaper in an attempt to contact Kate. He chose the Daily Mirror, Britain’s paper of record for mindless trash about people who pretend they don’t want cameras pointed at them. So she’s got to know he’s serious. I’d like to offer Kate a few manslations on several of the quotes from the interview.

“I love her with all my heart. I like the way she walks and talks. I love her bones. I love her brain.”

He starts off ok. When he gets to “I love her bones,” that’s when you know he’s getting specific about YOU, Kate. I’m guessing that over the course of your relationship your bones are the part of you that have pointed out at him most often. That’s called “paying attention,” Kate. Look it up.

At “I love her brain,” he does get a little creepy. I think the word he wanted here was ‘mind.’ When you tell someone you love their brain, unless the person has solved some important math or physics problem (I’m guessing ‘no’ in this case) then it sounds a little bit like he might want to, you know, extract it surgically and put it in a jar or something. Then again, if he wants that, and if you’re into it, hey, who am I to stand in the way?

Pete goes on:

“Kate is a nasty old rag. We fell out for the same old reason. She accused me of f****** this girl who lives around the corner.

“We were watching a DVD together and Kate started going ‘I could tell by the way you were sitting back there that you’ve f****d her’. I said ‘You’re out of your f****** mind’.

“I was really up for some peace and love that morning. I wasn’t up for being called a c*** and being kicked in the head.”

I think the manslation here is that he’s trying to say, “We’ve both made some mistakes.” Unfortunately, speaking to you through the Daily Mirror is one of them. Calling you a nasty old rag is another. But hey, it’s a dialogue, and he’s trying to express himself in the best way he knows how. (Wow. It just occurred to me — this actually IS the best way he knows how. Brrr.) He was up for peace and love, and you kicked him and called him a four-letter ‘c’ word that offended the Daily Mirror enough to censor it. (Hm. I know it can’t be “cash.”) This all sounds like miscommunication to me.

“Do I still love her? Don’t ask me that question. Why do you think I’m here today talking to you? I’m here to tell her that I love her.

“F***ing hell man, why does she read the Daily Mirror, anyway? She moans all the time about the f***ing paparazzi then first thing in the morning she’s got to buy your paper.”

Brings a tear to my eye just to read that.See, Kate? How much more do you want? The man listens to you, Kate. He knows the best way to communicate with you, because he knows you.

“If I had Kate back then life wouldn’t be so bad, would it?”

Well, Kate, I think this is the moment. He’s opened up to you. He’s told you how he feels about being kicked. (And being called a…corn? Hm. Probably not.) Anyway, now he has said that if he had you back, well, his life would be slightly less catastrophically lousy than it is currently. Wow. Most girls can only dream of a day when a drug addicted rock star will tell them that they are The One — that special girl without whom his life would be even WORSE than it would be with her.

Well, I’d say that you should forgive him, Kate. I think you have to. He’s obviously trying to get off of heroin. And that other model who he proposed to since you broke up (seriously) doesn’t mean anything to him. And since he refers to that other girl as “poxy” in the article, well, I’d say that relationship is probably over regardless. Go get him, Kate. He’s only a Letter to the Editor away! (The Daily Mirror has an editor, don’t they?)

Good luck, you two! And Kate — don’t let this prince get away!