manslations

We get searches. Oh yes. One of the features of my traffic meter is that it tells me what someone Googled to find manslations.com. Today, I’m going to give some quick answers to some of our more common Googlers.

(I look at my site traffic meter, oh, let’s say about a thousand times a day. Enough times that if there were a site traffic meter ON my site traffic meter page, I’d probably die of shame. You know, just to check in, see how I’m doing, and to give the OCD demons a popsicle for their troubles. Hey, it’s summer. Even demons need a little refreshment when it’s hot outside. Just let it go.)

• should I call him if he doesn’t call me: I sort of talked about this question HERE, but not this specific variant — In this specific situation, to know the answer all you need is a calendar. Has it been more than 2 days? If yes, then you shouldn’t bother with him. He’s not interested. If a guy likes you, he’s not going to wait longer than a couple of days. (If you just want to have sex with him, however, go right ahead and call him whenever you feel like it.)
• Why didn’t he call after first date: Related question, and as above, the answer is clear. For whatever reason, he’s not interested. Don’t bother wasting your time going crazy trying to figure it out. You want to be dating a guy who is DYING to call you after your first date, right? If he isn’t that guy, how much fun is it going to be if he calls? (Honestly, I can barely stand getting phone calls from people I like.)
• understanding male behavior/behaviour – What I like most is that we are getting a LOT of both spellings of “behavior”. For those of you who spell it with a “u” in there, welcome from beyond the sea! You can read pretty much any post at all. I’d check in here a lot if I were you. I’m sure that my advice will be no less useful regardless of which continent you’re on. (However, you’re going to want to be able to read English. I think you’ll see a real difference in your appreciation of the site.)
• can’t get over him: I’ve gotten a few of these. It probably directs you to this post. I only wish I could be more helpful on that subject, but if you’re trying to get over someone, everything is going to suck for a little while. There’s really not too much you can do about it. (My prescription: Come here every day. It won’t help you all that much, but it will help ME, and if we can help just one person, isn’t that enough?)
• if you punch a shark — I’m sorry that I only have THIS post to help you. I’ll tell you what, though. I am pretty much an expert on sharks since a.) I watch Shark Week every year, and b.) they scare the living crap out of me. Or if you’re dating a man, I can do something for you there as well. If you’re dating a shark, or if you’re dating a man who cheated on you with a shark, or a man who wants to punch a shark…I mean…I’ll give it a shot. Get back to me on that.
• what it means when men stare at you: I don’t think I actually wrote about this but…oh, come on, you know what this means. This means that either a.) you are showing some cleavage, b.) you are wearing something revealing in some other way, or c.) you are currently alive and nearby. If any of those things are true, some dude will be staring at you. It means he’s thinking about having sex with you. If it makes you feel any better, that’s also what it means when men do NOT stare at you. We can go either way on that.
• curvy spice: Hey! One of our manslations.com regular viewer/commenters/request submitters got a little Google-out! Congrats, Curvy — the internet is ringing your bell. See, that’s what happens here at manslations.com — you write a little comment, you make up a cute name, suddenly you’re being stalked by the Googlarazzi. (To read a hilariously scathing manslations request that Curvy Spice sent in about internet dating, click HERE.)
• Cryptkeeper with drugs: I have to be honest with you — I don’t know if I can help you. I can’t imagine what you could possibly have been looking for. I know you found THIS post about Courtney Love’s “face”. But…phew. Either you were really bored, really high, or really specific in your needs. In any case, welcome!
• Lunchtime boob job. I only mentioned this once HERE, but I was surprised at how many requests I got for this. I can’t help you get one of these, unfortunately. There’s no manslations.com referral system. It’s not like if you come to my site I can validate your parking and hook you up with a lunchtime boob job. Honestly, I can’t really even imagine how that kind of thing could be done in an hour. I know I could just Google it and find out. But if I do that, I’ll end up Googling my own site, and then I’ll slip into another dimension.
• roofie dosage: Nice to see the date rapists getting out and doing a little research. Feel free to just kill yourselves, fellas. We don’t need you anymore, ok? Actually, I hope you end up in jail for a little while, so you can find out what “non-consensual” is all about. Seriously, any real man will beat the crap out of you on sight.
• prada vibrator: Are you freaking kidding me? Here, I thought I made this up, but now someone is actually going looking for one? But…I mean, they don’t actually make one. Right? Whoever you are, mystery Googler, I know you’re out there thinking, “Are you there, Jeff Mac? It’s me, Paris”. Look, if you were shopping, I’m sorry I don’t have any available at this time. (If it’s an emergency, you might have to go with a non-designer brand. Or even a live person.)

However you got here, come on back again and again, and tell your friends, ok? After all, sometimes your demons will need a popsicle as well. I am that popsicle. Just go with it.