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It’s that time again, Manslations faithful. It’s time for this week’s Manslations News roundup. Lots to talk about this week. Let’s get right to it!

The Beckham’s Bringing Their Designer Scents to America

Well, first of all, thank GOD. Here I was, walking around like an idiot NOT smelling like the Beckhams. I didn’t even know that I had the option. Well, now I do. The Beckhams are bringing their his and hers scents to the States. (Incidentally, most couples make their own scents, but they usually are as a result of eating spicy foods or sitting around the house all day Saturday not showering because, what, is the Pope coming over or something?)

Look, “The Beckhams” aren’t designing anything. Posh is. I don’t care what kind of a fancy-metro-boy David Beckham is, I guarantee you that he’s still being dragged into the fragrance design field kicking and screaming. Well, at least he was being dragged until it was estimated that they will make 100 million dollars from it this year, and twice that next year.

You know what? For that kind of money, I’d put my name on a fragrance and sell it door to door wearing a party dress and a Pippi Longstocking wig*.

*I’ll probably just do that anyway. I could use the fresh air.

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Company in Memphis Offers New Service: Bikini-clad Women to Mow Your Lawn

This has to be one of those things that sounds sexier to the average stupid man than it really turns out to be. I’m sure the young ladies that they hire are very attractive and all. But do these men really want all the neighbors to know that basically they hire hot women to do their lawn while they sit around the yard with a boner?

The answer? Ugh. Apparently they don’t mind. This is the danger of these men getting so out of shape*. They have nothing to lose.

You know, the women of the neighborhood might do well to fund this business themselves in an effort to keep from seeing the suburban fat ass dads of the area in THEIR version of “skimpy sportswear.” As in, short, destroyed shorts that look like the guy was shipwrecked in them, black sandals and black socks. And nothing else.

Wow. I think you could probably have a telethon to ensure that no man below a certain level of fitness ever does his own lawn again. On that image alone, I’m ready to chip in.

*Wild guess.

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Female Mice Given a “Male” Sex Drive Through Creative Brain Surgery

Scientists announced this experiment, in which female mice had some little thingie in their brains disabled (perfectly safe, I’m sure) and the female mice went sexually apeshit*. The females then exhibited “male” behaviors — mounting them, asking for their numbers, saying things like, “Baby, are your legs tired? Because you were scurrying through my dreams all night!” The horror. The horror.

Forget the meteor, global warming, nuclear war. This could be it. The end of industry, society, civilization. If women suddenly became as available for sex as men wish they were, we’d all be dead in a month. An awesome, awesome month.

*Hey, that’s what the scientist said**, ok?

**Well…I bet he was thinking it.

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Italian Mother takes away her 61 Year Old Son’s Allowance

Look, ladies, this guy is not our fault. When he decided to live with his mom until he was 61, he didn’t clear it with anyone, ok?

He lives in Sicily with his mom, he’s 61. Sigh. Come on, dude. His mom took away his allowance* and brought him down to the police station because he didn’t respect her. Also causing trouble was the fact that he didn’t like her cooking. His own mom’s cooking? In Italy I’m pretty sure that carries the death penalty.

Ladies, beware the man who mooches off of his mom** — you can bet that he’s going to be looking for the same arrangement with you. Well, either that or he’ll be running the Bates Motel.

*How does your 150 year old mother have money and you don’t? What happened, did you forget to get a job for 61 years? Does being crippled by loserdom qualify as a disability in Italy?

**I mean, don’t worry about THIS guy. I think his chances were all gone in, oh let’s be generous and say the day he turned 30 and still got an allowance from his mom — in 19 freaking 76.

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Well, that does it for this week at Manslations.com. Thanks so much for stopping by — this has been the biggest week so far for traffic! Keep it coming, people.

Tell your friends. Tell your enemies. Tell people to whom you are indifferent. Comment. Send in Manslations Requests. And I will see you all right back here on Monday with more!

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