manslations

So begins a cheesy story on every single issue of all the various magazines, promising to give you the edge in the sack, offering him things that he has only dreamed about until meeting lucky, well-informed-by-a-magazine YOU. And depending upon which magazine you’re reading at the time, the advice will be more or less trashy, for example:

SELF: Work out together, and then seduce him in the shower afterwards. (Sure, why not? But it’s really that second part that’s the operative element.)

COSMOPOLITAN: Put some weird mint — or ice/coriander/snake venom, etc. — in your mouth while you pleasure him. (Uhhh…ok? But again, hey, as long as that second part is in place, we’ll give it a whirl.)

THE NEW YORKER: Draw an obscure cartoon on your body and watch him as he pretends to think it’s funny. (This one might have just been a nightmare I had.)

You want to really know what to do that will drive any man wild in bed? Five things, you say? Well, in reading a post basically named that, I think you’ve made a wise choice.

• SHOW UP: This is vital. If you’re not going to follow this one, I’d say forget the whole thing. If you go to his bed (or car/stairwell/clocktower/beneath an opera house writing the music of the night, etc.) you are well on your way to driving him wild. Like, more than halfway, I’d say. Call it 60%. Sold.
• BE ALIVE: Very important as well. Don’t skip this step just because it seems easy.
• HAVE FUN: This isn’t a trip to the dentist, right? (Unless your man IS your dentist, in which case, congrats!) Just remember that regardless of whatever you’re doing to him, if YOU’RE not having fun, the only guy who will be “driven wild” is the guy who doesn’t give a flying crapmobile whether or not you’re having fun. Oh and by the way, you’re not having fun. Which, if you think about it, isn’t that fun. Like, almost ever. Seriously, look it up.
• COMMUNICATE WHAT YOU WANT: Ideally, communicate it to him. And if you followed step one above, he ought to be the most convenient person to tell anyway. (Or at least in the top two.) He will LOVE this. Plus if you tell him what you want, it has the added benefit of making it remotely possible for you to maybe, you know, GET it. (See: HAVE FUN)
• PAY ATTENTION: Believe it or not, just like women, men are actually all at least slightly different from one another. (Some are named “Dave” for example, and some of them are totally not.) No dude wants to think that you’re just running through some weird magazine checklist you read — kind of makes us wonder how many other dudes have received this checklist from you, and we don’t really want to be thinking about them when our pants are off. I mean, don’t get me wrong — we’ll take the checklist of moves. But it won’t be as fun. Plus we’ll probably tell our idiot friends about it.

Honestly, I had a hard time thinking of anything past step three. Anything beyond that is all gravy, from our perspective. Unless there’s actual gravy involved, which is personally not my thing.

Oh, and if you really want to do the weird mint trick, hey, knock yourself out. We’re certainly never going to write an angry letter about it or anything.