manslations

Editor’s Note: Manslations.com is not in any way responsible for any lack of very-specialness in the following celebrity manslation.

If there’s one thing that writing for Manslations.com has done for me, it’s to force me to read great, big, giant piles of celebrity gossip that I don’t really care about. The good news is that I can then make fun of it all, right here for you.

THIS EPISODE: TROUBLE IN BRANGELINA-LAND

Ok, first I read THIS article that seemed to hint that the ultimate celebrity power-sex-adoption couple were possibly going to split up. I went into a deep depression. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep. Then I remembered that I was a man, and cared little for such matters. Everything was fine after that.

Then, this week I saw THIS article, indicating that Angelina had given up on bisexuality and S&M for Brad. Ok, now I was really depressed.

So, these two stories in such close succession. Coincidence? I think not. Why do I say that?

1. This is my website, and I can say anything I want.
2. I have no other information, and often in these cases I have to just make stuff up. (Incidentally, I don’t mind in the least. Much easier this way. I don’t know how these journalists do it with their “facts” and their “verifications.” Grow up, guys. People either believe everything you write or they don’t believe anything you write, no matter how hard you work, so take a load off.)

Here’s what Angelina says:

“I’ve never hidden my bisexuality. But since I’ve been with Brad, there’s no longer a place for that or S&M in my life.”

DEAR ANGELINA,

Please, please don’t give up bisexuality. Even though such a move might be good for your marriage, please think of the fans. You can’t just up and take that away from us, ok? Men need to believe that somewhere, somehow, women are making out with other women. We’re not sure why. And we apologize. Some of us are very nice, I swear. You’d like us a lot if you knew us. But we really can’t help it.

Sincerely,

-Men

AND THE KNIFE DOES WHAT, EXACTLY?

But seriously, folks. The article goes on to say that she has experimented with knives in bed. Ok, now I’m lost. I’m from Connecticut where such talk makes folks blush until we get just enough brain damage to suppress the thought entirely.

I don’t know what kinds of experiment you can DO with a knife in bed that doesn’t involve, you know, a KNIFE IN YOUR BED. Look, I’m sure I’m just not picturing it right, but I have to tell you, it doesn’t sound sexy. Unless…I mean, maybe Angelina is using the knife as a signalling mirror to guide the aforementioned women into her bed. But I’m guessing that’s not it.

But hey, what am I saying? Do whatever you want. You’re Angelina Jolie. Just make sure that you’re not giving up something that you deeply want to keep doing. Because then you’re going to blame Brad, the two of you will break up, and your rainbow of children will have to grow up in a broken home. A giant, beautiful, opulent, bazillion dollar broken home where they get 2 unbelievably lavish Christmases.

Ok, new plan — can you adopt ME, and then split up?

HONEY, DO WE HAVE TO GO CHILD-SHOPPING AGAIN?

The article about the potential breakup features an unnamed source saying:

“Brad’s had enough of doing what Angie wants to do and following her around the globe.”

Most men don’t want to feel like they’re being ordered around, or as if you think of them as your accessory that you drag around with you. Most women don’t like that either, of course. In years past that’s exactly what women were forced to do, and they don’t like it anymore, and if you get them drinking, they’ll probably get pretty mad and tell you about the whole thing.

So do some stuff that Brad likes to do too, Angelina. Maybe one weekend you go find a country that no one has ever heard of and get some new young people for the growing pile. And then the next weekend, you could…I don’t know what Brad likes…stay at home, stare in the mirror, and prank call Clooney? Whatever it is. Throw him a bone here, Angie. I do realize that you’re Angelina Jolie and everything, but, ah, he’s Brad Pitt.

Please stay together you two. And Angelina, please stay freaky and even knifey if necessary. This way, everyone’s happy, and all peoples of all races, creeds, colors, and nations can be fantasizing about you two during sex, as a result of which they can have beautiful, eminently adoptible children for your collection.