manslations

Hello, lovely readers, and welcome back to another edition of the Manslations news, where I, Jeff Mac, read the news so that you don’t have to. Then I report it to you. Right down there, in fact. Which…I suppose you would have just figured that out as you read it. Ahem. Let’s get started, shall we?

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Norwegian Piglets Facing Castration Will Now Receive Sedatives

Wow. This article really makes me uncomfortable. There’s a group that is lobbying for this anesthesia for piggies about to be snipped. Why?

“Sometimes, they do get depressed,” some genius researcher was quoted as saying.

Sometimes? Ok, I’m despressed and I’m only reading about it. If it was me, and I was a piglet, and I was in Norway, and I was about to get castrated…well, I suppose I’d have any number of reasons to be depressed. Come to think of it, I’d probably be in the market for some anesthesia, myself. Hm.

Ok, now I’m really depressed.

Ladies, don’t castrate anything. Don’t talk about castrating things. Don’t joke about it. Just leave those rascals be. They’re not hurting anyone down there.

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Jessica Alba Has One Last Lunch With Cash Warren Before Vanishing

As most of you have probably heard, it seems that after 2 years, Jessica Alba and Cash Warren have broken up. They had one last lunch together, to say all the things that needed to be said.

I’ll give everyone a minute to pull it together. I know, I know. It’s tough stuff. But we’ll be ok, people. We just have to remember that, uh, none of us really knows who Cash Warren is. See? All better.

The article quotes Alba as having recently said the following:

“I could have a one-night stand, and I’m the kind of girl who looks over in the morning and is like, ‘Do you really have to be here?’ I don’t need to cuddle and do all that stuff because I know what it is and I don’t try to make it more.”

In an unrelated story, Jessica Alba has had to bury her cellphone at a crossroads upside down with a stake through its heart due to an unexplained and overwhelming increase in call volume.

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Thai Cops to be Punished Via Hello Kitty Armbands

I like this story. A lot. Apparently, if a police officer in a certain area of Thailand breaks a rule or comes in late, he is forced to sit around the office all day rather than going out into the field, and he has to wear a Hello Kitty armband. This is sort of a modern day “Scarlet Letter.” But with Hello Kitty.

I don’t recommend this type of punishment for men, ladies. The only people I can think of who wear armbands are the Nazis. Do you really want a Hello Kitty Nazi running around?

Ok, me too. But still, I’d recommend avoiding this method of correction. It’s cruel, it’s unusual, and you run the risk of finding out that your man, like, REALLY enjoys wearing a Hello Kitty armband.

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Futura Condoms Boast Bigger, Better Boners

Looks like the UK is going to be harder, bigger, and longer lasting than the rest of the world. Futura claims that some weird stuff they put in their condoms enhances erections and increases male stamina. Here’s a quote:

“The condom has a small amount of gel in its peak that dilates the arteries and increases blood flow to the penis.”

Ah. Thank heavens. For a second there, I was afraid they were going to say something medically vague involving weird, probably experimental stuff they want me to smear on my nethers. Whew!

Beware, ladies of Britain. Prepare yourselves for an onslaught of men who a.) are really, really gullible about claims from condom companies, and b.)believe that in wearing such condoms, their work in bed is done. You’re going to have to break it to him gently that just because he’s GOT a bigger dick, that doesn’t relieve him of the responsibility to not BE one.

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That about does it for this week here at Manslations.com, folks. I’ll be back on Monday — see you then! Thank you so much for stopping by — make sure to tell absolutely everyone you know to come on over sometime!