manslations

Hello there, ladies of Earth. And you, ladies* of Sirius Zeta. Today, I’d like to answer a question I received from a reader calling herself, “DeeBelly.” First of all, so help me, I do love these made-up, anonymous internet names. At least I’m guessing that’s a pseudonym, and if so, congratulations! (And if not, congratulations again!)

“Dear Jeff Mac,

Here’s a manslation for ya. Why does my boyfriend absolutely freak out whenever I want to talk about getting married? We’ve been together for over 3 years, living together for almost a year and a half, and I know he loves me and he told me that he wants to be with me forever. It seems like it’s the “getting” married part that freaks him. But I want him to “want” to marry me. Is he going to get over this? What can I do about it?

-DeeBelly”

Dear DB,

First of all, you didn’t give me enough information to say for SURE what’s going on. But I’ll go under the assumption that he does love you, and that he does want to be with you forever. (I mean, if he doesn’t want to be with you, I’d say that would be a GREAT reason for him to be freaked out by marriage.) But given what you’ve described, it sounds like you’re absolutely right. It probably IS the “getting” married itself that freaks him out. As in, the wedding.

Here are a couple of thoughts on that.

WHAT IT “MEANS” vs. WHAT IT “DOES.”

In a very, very broad, stereotypical “men are from blah and women are from blee,” sense, women seem more inclined to see the “meaning” or “significance” in a thing. Men are more inclined to see what the thing DOES. So, if a woman saw a unicorn in the forest, she might wonder what it meant — if it was a sign of something special to come. A man might wonder how fast the unicorn would go if you rode it.

We understand that a wedding is a symbol of SOMEthing, but it just doesn’t grab us in the way that, say, a 60 inch LCD TV does. (You know, just as one hypothetical example.)

Why not? Why don’t we get inspired by the idea of a wedding?

WEDDINGS ARE NOT VERY MANLY, ARE THEY?

No. Can you picture Jack Bauer from 24 at his wedding? Not really. So even if a guy wants to BE married to a woman, the wedding ceremony ITSELF is still going to feel like spending a day looking like a dork.

Face it — at your wedding, DeeBelly, YOU are the bad ass. He looks and feels like the accessory. That’s how the guy has appeared at every wedding I’ve ever been at. (That guy up there doesn’t look like he feels like a ninja or a jedi or anything of the kind. He looks like he’s at his first communion.)

WHAT YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT

It sounds, from what you’ve described, that he does want to be with you — that he wants to BE married. And it sounds like this wedding will ultimately happen. It also sounds like he hasn’t found a way to feel psyched about it. So, given that, is there anything that you can do to make this thing work? Sure. Try this:

ASK FOR IT AS A GIFT FROM HIM TO YOU. Given that he wants to BE married to you FOREVER, let the “him being psyched about the wedding ceremony” part slide. Let him know that the actual wedding ceremony is just about YOU. (Because, again, if every wedding I’ve ever been to is any guide, it will end up that way.)

Tell him, “Look, this day is really important to me. I’m getting a sense that the ceremony isn’t a big thing for you, but it really is for me. How about you make this day a gift to me? I know it’s not your thing, but this is something that I want, and I’m asking for your help in making that happen, as a gift to me.”

What this does is two-fold:

• Puts it in terms that he understands — You want his help, and you are asking for something specific. That’s not hard for him to do.
• Takes the heat off the part he doesn’t understand – He might be freaked out by wedding talk because he senses that you want him to feel a certain way about the wedding. And most men just don’t feel that way about it, and never will. And is it really important that he LOVES the ceremony itself? If you can be ok with that, he’ll be way more on board, and thrilled to be let off the hook.

This should smooth the way for both of you to get some of what you want. You’ll get the wedding, and he will be able to feel like he’s doing something that he can actually do.

You could also promise him a 60 inch LCD Television. I don’t believe in bribery in relationships, but…I mean, I’m sure he’d take it.

Good luck, DB. Keep us posted!

-Jeff Mac

*Or whatever you are. Maybe “ladies” is not a good way to describe Sirius Zetans. And I’m not even suggesting that you don’t use proper table manners. I mean that you’re not “ladies” in the sense that maybe you have more legs than a “human female” likes to say she has. Is it prejudice? Sure. But we live in the real world over here at Manslations.com.