manslations

There was an article in the New York Times recently that seemed to indicate that if you mention meat somewhere in your internet dating profile, or order steak on a first date, you will be communicating something about how fun you are. Or something.

I have to be honest, I couldn’t read the whole thing. I got a couple of paragraphs in and rolled my eyes so hard that I had to be taken to a physician. (Thankfully, I have full Disdain Insurance.)

The sad thing about this article is that I am 100% certain that there will now be a rash of women packing their dating profiles with “STEAK!” and “I love burgers!!” and giving themselves screen names like “BeefGrrl17” — because they think it will make them more attractive to men.

(Sigh.)

We don’t give a flying crapmobile what you eat. We really don’t. Men are NOT sitting there poring over your choice of entree, sifting through the implications of this or that cut of beef for significance.

“Hmm. Ribeye. That’s a pretty serious steak. Can I handle such a woman? I think I’d have been more comfortable had she ordered the grilled shrimp. I feel emasculated and afraid. I could never satisfy a ribeye woman. I wonder if she’d consider the New York strip — that’s more my speed. Oh hell, I knew we should have gone to Arby’s. My Kingdom for a Curly Fry!!!!”

And so on. Errr…No.

HOWEVER…

We do notice HOW you order. And I’m not talking about if you put on a fake Irish accent every time the waiter comes by (although yeah, that might be a turnoff. Or a turn-on. Whatever. I’m easy like Sunday Mornin’.) What I mean to say is that we might notice if you’re trying to “fool” us with your order. The reason that a salad gets a bad rap in the dating world is that men know that women will often order a salad because they’ve been told they are supposed to, even if they don’t want one. Nothing hot about that, let me tell you.

BUT — if you were in the mood for a salad and you order steak because the interwebs told you to, it will seem exactly as idiotic as the I-don’t-really-want-salad salad.

Type the word ’salad’ a few times. Salad. Salad. Loses all meaning.

Here are a few quick tips on how to…oh, you know what quick tips are. There’s bullet points, you read them. You’re very intelligent people out there, I’m sure of it. Here we go:

• ORDER WHAT THE HELL YOU WANT: Nothing sexier than a woman who is exactly who she is and is not about to change it because somebody’s watching. Unless that woman is that lady who runs that “Pussycat Dolls” show. She scares me.
• FORGET WHAT HE MIGHT THINK: Ok, let’s say for the sake of argument that there IS some man out there who judges women on the basis of their choice of a meal. (There probably is. And I have a friend who will probably end up having to go on a date with him at some point.) Well, what if he hates women who order, say, lamb? And you really like lamb. Do you really want to “trick” him into dating you by not ordering what you wanted? What’s the plan? That one day, years from now after you’re married with 2 kids, you’ll order lamb, and he’ll say, “My god, Desdemona, you are NOT the woman I married!” Just get the friggin’ lamb. And if he doesn’t like it, stick him with the check, go home, and never talk to him again. At least you got some damb lamb. (We would also have accepted “damn lamn.”)
• DON’T TRY TO INTERPRET HIS MEAL CHOICE, EITHER: You probably don’t anyway, which is good. He certainly has no idea how his order speaks about him, and no intention to communicate like that. He just thought, “Hey look! A menu! With food on it! I LOVE food! I’m gonna have them BRING me some!!”

So, I hope you are all now emboldened to order whatever the hell you want. I hope you’re all drunk with power. Or at least drunk. Either way, eat what you want. That said, I probably wouldn’t order a piece of raw elk meat and request they bring out a blender, then shrug and say, “Let’s fire her up and see what happens, eh big boy?” That’s just spooky.

What say you ladies? Anybody have any success with the “Steak on a Date” theory? Any other foods that have worked well for you?
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