5 Internet Dating Profiles to Avoid: Manslations Fundamentals
Welcome back to Manslations.com, ladies. And if it’s your first visit…well…just ‘welcome’ I suppose. Today, we will be talking about the men you can safely avoid just by what’s in their internet dating profiles.
So, there’s this thing called the Internet. You might remember it from “that thing you logged into to read this, right now.” Ring any bells? Hello?
Anyway, like every other piece of technology, people have found various ways to use this “internet” to do sex to one other. (I’m sure that ten minutes after they invented the telegraph, there was a guy tapping out dirty messages in Morse Code and whacking off with the other hand.)
Don’t worry, I’ll give you a moment to let that sink in. Ready to move on? Great.
So now, we have the Internet Dating. Tough world out there. I get a little bit exhausted even thinking about it. But it’s out there — people need to meet people. So, how can you separate the wheat from the chaff, cybernetically speaking? The ones from the zeroes, as it were?
And do you really want to date ‘wheat‘ any more than you do ‘chaff‘ in the first place? Maybe that’s none of my business. (Hey, some people swing that way.)
So, how can you tell if you should reject a guy without even a moment’s thought? Here are a few obvious telltale signs:
- His profile photo is a picture of his dead mother’s body in her coffin. (Yes, this one is real. Yes, my friend, hilarious comic Becky Donohue, went out with this man. Yes, it was after she saw the picture. Yes, she talks about it in therapy. Onstage as well, so go check out her act!) If a guy picks something really, really weird/stupid/pathetic for his picture…well, just keep in mind — this is the best he could come up with. And there was no deadline or anything. Don’t think, “Oh, well, that’s probably just not a good picture.” This was the one he picked. Wow.
- His profile refers to his desired woman as some kind of an animal. “Seeking wild love-marmot, instinctive, raw, emotional.” Manslation: “I don’t know how to have a conversation in which I am forced to both listen AND talk, so I’m just looking for some non-verbal sex. And I want to be like an animal! So, uh, YOU be like one!”
- His profile refers to his ideal lover as “open-minded.” Run. I don’t know what he’s into, but whatever it is, he was afraid to just come out and say it. Given the stuff that people are totally comfortable disclosing, you know you’re going to end up trapped in a well with the lotion in the basket. Unless you’re prepared to dress in a rubber costume, run.
- Any mention of massage or – god help us – Tantra: Total douche. This guy really thinks that he knows all he needs to know about pleasuring any woman. He is a self-proclaimed expert at tending to her needs. He is sure that he’s about to BLOW. YOUR. MIND. With his “skills.” I’m embarrassed for him just typing this. Avoid. (Unless it’s Sting, in which case I guess it’s your call.)
- He mentions specifications of his ideal woman like he’s putting in an order for a sandwich. Height, weight, hair, eyes, skin, IQ, breast size, measurements, body hair, number of cavities. This guy is not interested in ever hearing a thing you say. He’s holding a casting session for his pants. He’s looking for a blow-up doll that has it’s own car. As I discussed in my manslation for reader Curvy Spice, this is also pretty much a dead giveaway that he’s never been in a relationship for longer than 3 dates. Shocker! How did some foolish woman let THIS gem get away?
Please don’t respond to these men. You’ll only encourage them. Don’t be that someone. Well, unless you just want to date them for the hilarious story. In that case, please just make sure you CONTACT ME and tell me about it or leave a comment. I want to make sure we ALL get our money’s worth out of these idiots.
Ladies of the land — any insta-rejects to add to this list? Come on, lurkers — you know you’ve got one. Let me know in the comments!
Posted: August 22nd, 2007 under Dating Preparation, Manslations Fundamentals.
Comments
Comment from DontCareBear
Time August 22, 2007 at 3:45 pm
Amen. I am not a tigress, either. Nor do I have any plans to be one. Please do not address me as such.
Comment from Curvy Spice
Time August 22, 2007 at 4:39 pm
If you mention how much you work out in your profile. And you mention it more than once. And you also stress that this is one of your “life skills.” Good for you. We are never going out.
Comment from MissEducation
Time August 22, 2007 at 5:00 pm
Ha! Yes, yes, congratulations indeed on your workout schedule. I hope that you and it will be very happy together.
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time August 22, 2007 at 9:38 pm
Ok, no sex, no tigresses, no mentions of how often you work out more than once.
Now that I think about it…I mean, it’s probably a bad sign if they mention ANYthing more than once. How long is this profile that you should be having “callbacks”?
Comment from Fisch
Time August 23, 2007 at 6:43 pm
For some reason, I am also put-off by profile photos of men wearing skis. Or if I even SUSPECT they’re wearing skis.
Comment from MsPurple
Time August 23, 2007 at 8:07 pm
If he says he’s between jobs, liviving with parents, or undecided about his profession, I will run.
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time August 23, 2007 at 9:19 pm
Fisch, I hear you. You can’t trust those damn Norwegians for nothing.
And MsPurple, words to live by. Seriously, if a guy can’t get his a-game a little higher up than that for even a couple of paragraphs, that guy is NOT getting laid.
Comment from Dating Goddess
Time August 24, 2007 at 11:42 am
Good list! I run from the ones who say things like “No players.” So how does this work? If I’m a player I’m going to say, “I better not contact this guy”?
I also avoid the ones who obviously have baggage, saying what they don’t want: “No gold diggers. Must have her own means of financial support. No chubbies.” You sound so charming. How could I not fall in love with you?
In my own blog, Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40, I have a posting, “I will not be dating your Harley” because so many men post pictures of themselves with their motorcycles. If these were the babe magnets men think they are, no single man would be without one. Must be a guarantee of first date sex!
Great post, Jeff.
Dating Goddess
http://www.DatingGoddess.com
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time August 24, 2007 at 3:52 pm
Hm. Interesting, DG. The motorcycle. I think that’s like when a cat brings you a dead mouse. It doesn’t know you don’t like dead mice. All it HAS is a dead mouse. Sadly, that’s the best thing it’s got going for it.
Manslatees — definitely check out the Dating Goddess’s blog from her link above. It’s a great site!
Comment from Curvy Spice
Time August 24, 2007 at 6:15 pm
I agree. If he’s massaging a motorcycle or a classic automobile, or has multiple pictures of himself with said object its not happening between us. First of all how do you fit that very large mechanical item in your studio apartment? Clearly if you own the above items you live somewhere I would have to get on a boat to meet you so we’re not dating. Also if he’s massaging a boat. We’re not dating. I guess essentially what I am saying is, Staten Island, thank you for playing.
Pingback from The Lady Speaks Saturday Potluck «
Time August 25, 2007 at 1:27 pm
[...] there was a guy tapping out dirty messages in Morse Code and whacking off with the other hand.) Read the whole thing. Posted in Blogs, Just For [...]
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time August 26, 2007 at 4:41 pm
Harsh, Curvy. Harsh, but fair. No need to introduce a sea captain into your dating life.
And Lady Speaks Saturday — thanks for linking!
Comment from Tara
Time September 23, 2007 at 12:03 pm
Believe it or not, I have read a profile which included the ‘I’m into Tantric sex’ line, and the photograph of the guy was of some kind of Sex God doing some kind of yoga pose (I’m not kidding). So there really are these guys out there, and presumably some women do respond to their profiles. You’re so astute, Jeff Mac.
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time September 24, 2007 at 8:30 am
Tara: Yeah, the sad thing is, I’m sure that guy must get some play, or he’d stop doing that. Scary.
Comment from allirpa
Time February 20, 2008 at 2:49 pm
Run from the guy that says, “Looking for a God fearing woman who will accept me the way I am.”
Comment from thaiyellow
Time July 20, 2008 at 6:27 am
gee~ u gotta give some guys the benefit of the doubt tho 
some just have no idea how to communicate with women, they think they are joking around but do not seem to realise that a woman is not a man!
so this guy emails me on a dating site that he is “tall, fit, horny and likes to dominate in bed”. methought this extremely funny, cause, like, did he really think a woman would take this seriously…apparently not, he assumed i would see the humor in it (emails were swapped and there was a phone chat).
some blokes only hang out with blokes. they really do not have much of a clue how to ask for what they want from a woman.
i’m glad that i emailed him back that first time to let him know that “we are on different pages…i need more than sex, can get that anywhere”, cause he kept emailing and showed a bit more of the guy he is behind the joker mask (asked about my interests, gave golf tips, and defined words for me that i asked about)
so we had a phone chat (where he asked me what i wanted from “this internet thing”) and he stated unequivocally that he did not want to have sex with me, and said he couldn’t see himself having a relationship with me (cause we so different),..but he did agree to stay in contact, and returned my text the next day…see how things pan out, he has scored some brownie points with me so far.
i wish more guys were ok with spending time with me when sex seemed unlikely.
maybe he does only want sex but wants to believe he wants more; maybe he is just realising he wants more, gets overwhelmed by the challenges in getting to know another, and bails on himself~ reverting to “just sex” either in conversation or physical act; maybe he just wants sex…
hope we do stay in contact…i am curious…and i have some great male friends made thru benefit of the doubt
Comment from jess
Time August 19, 2008 at 12:20 am
Ha! Haven’t tried it in a while, but when I was looking, there were 3 things that turned me off of otherwise promising profiles:
1) guys my age seeking younger women (ruled me out).
2) guys seeking women “without baggage.” Ha, at my age, if you think you don’t have baggage, you’re in serious denial. Or you’re looking for a 17-yo virgin (goes with issue #1).
3) The frequent and ambiguous use of the words “passion” and “passionate.” As an over-used buzzword, it was a buzz-kill. It tended to elicit a cynical reading on my part…
Comment from MissEducation
Time August 22, 2007 at 2:39 pm
I avoid anyone that brings up sex in his profile at all. I want to scream, “Of COURSE you’re thinking about sex. We all are. Can’t you relax about it for five seconds while you’re typing something by which strangers will judge you?”
Evidently not.