manslations

Yes, it is finally Friday, and that means one thing — we’re back with another edition of the weekly Manslations News Roundup. Read it up, people of Earth!

-Justin Timberlake Shopping for a Ring for Jessica Biel

If the rumors are true, Justin is looking to buy her a ring. This is a terrifying moment for a man. “Ring? Ok…so…it doesn’t do anything or anything? Just sits there. Does it have surround sound? No, no, of course not. How about a hard drive?” We just don’t get how to shop for it.

Plus, diamond commercials tell us that a real man buys his woman a diamond the size of a grapefruit every couple of weeks, and then he locates romantic piazza on which to give it to her. You know, just because.

I feel bad for Justin Timberlake. Not quite as bad as I feel for myself and the rest of us who aren’t multi millionaires. In fact, now that I think about it, screw that guy. He has no problems here. Let’s move on.

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-Italian Judge Legalizes Bugging the Family Car to Foil Cheaters

This article tells how in Italy, you are now within your legal rights to plant a listening device in your own car if you suspect your spouse of cheating on you.

Look…just divorce the guy. Seriously. I mean, if it’s gotten to the point where you’re employing the same relationship tactics as the CIA, your marriage is not great, and it’s not getting any better. (Unless the 2 of you find that sort of thing kinky, in which case, hey, who am I to stand in your way? Your weird, weird way.)

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-Walk it off, son!

After being shot, a South African went to the hospital (like you do) and the doctors not only refused to remove the bullet, but they told him what every man has heard a zillion times as a kid. “Walk it off.”

Men get this in little league (for those of you not from America, that’s baseball. You know, like cricket with fat guys.) when a line drive takes what is known as a “bad hop,” which is a nice way of saying, “An object hitting you in the nuts at warp speed.” You want to know why men don’t cry? “Walk it off” is it.

“What, you’re experiencing the worst pain imaginable? Walk it off, kiddo. Oh, your leg was amputated? Uh…well, just kind of hop it off.”

I hope they remove this bullet from this man’s body. But even more than that, I hope I never again take a line drive to the nuts. I’m sympathetic to that guy’s troubles and all, but priorities, people. (This isn’t so much a “manslation” as it is a “personal prayer for my own physical well-being.”)

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-Woman Sets Fire to Ex-Husband’s Penis

You there! Stop laughing!

I read THIS and thought, “Wait…EX husband? How did she have access to his penis for long enough to set it on fire?” The answer? Evidently, it is common practice in Russia for divorced men and women to continue to live together for financial reasons. Hm. It’s almost hard to believe that doesn’t work out…

When a police spokeswoman was asked if he would make a full recovery, she answered that it was “difficult to predict.” (It was probably made even more difficult by the fact that the emergency workers were all trying really, really hard to keep from laughing. Which was nice of them.)

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That does it for this week at Manslations.com — the past couple of days I can see that a TON of new visitors have stopped by. Welcome! Next week, I’ve got a ton of great Manslations Requests coming up, plus plenty of other great stuff. In the meantime, leave a comment, submit a manslations request, click through the archives, and just generally focus on ME as much as possible.

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