manslations

Welcome back, Manslatees! Continuing with our slew of reader requests (keep ‘em coming — I’ll get to as many of you as I possibly can!) here’s one from Shelby, who has some concerns about the commitment of her man. Shelby writes:

It’s my understanding that when a man says he’s “anti-marriage,” it really means that he’s anti-marriage with YOU. I’ve been dating a divorced man for 6 mos. who has said he is anti-marriage. He has followed the aforementioned statement with “But I’m not anti-commitment.” The relationship is going well, he’s told me I’m his best friend and confidant, we see each other often, plan trips together, etc., he’s considering moving closer to me when his lease is up in 8 mos. (we live 2 hours apart) and he’s told me that he loves me. He’s said ours is the best relationship he’s ever been in.

I’m certain that sometime in MY future I will want marriage for the RIGHT reasons. I don’t want to waste any more time in this (although wonderful, fulfilling) relationship if in fact he is never going to want that in his life. Does he say this because he’s tainted due to his past or is he just anti-marriage WITH ME?

Dear Shelby,

Interesting situation, and a tough call. Let’s go through the possibilities:

Now, first of all, of course I can’t say whether or not you and he are right for each other. (For that, I’d need to put cameras up in your home, and live in your closet for a year or so, just me and thousands of dollars of complex surveillance equipment. And we don’t have that kind of time.)

That said, as you suggest, there are a couple of possible manslations for the phrase “I’m anti-marriage” here.

• I’m anti-marriage with YOU. I like things how they are, and I don’t want this to get any further along than I want it to.
• I’m a little gunshy about marriage right now. The last time I got married, I got divorced, which was somewhat reminiscent of having a surprise root canal during an armed robbery of my house while I was dealing with a case of explosive diarrhea.

Which one is he? Not so easy to tell. He doesn’t seem to be holding back from you emotionally — he’s behaving like a man in a committed relationship. But then again, he lives 2 hours away. He doesn’t have to “seem” to hold back. He IS back.

If the question is “Will he ever change his anti-marriage stance?” unfortunately, there’s no great way to tell without asking. Lucky for you, I myself have had this very conversation. Lucky for me, too (though it most definitely didn’t feel lucky DURING the conversation, heh. Wowie.)

HOW TO TALK ABOUT THIS:

This can be very a touchy conversation. (Again, trust me on this one.) Here are a couple of quick points on how to get him talking about this, without him getting too defensive.

• HE’S GOING TO THINK YOU WANT TO MARRY HIM NOW: I know that’s not what you’re asking, but that’s how it’s going to come across. (And at 6 months in, that might freak him out. You know, MAYBE.) Make sure he knows you just need to fully understand where he’s at.
• DON’T TRY TO CHANGE HIS MIND: I know you’d ideally like him to become “pro-marriage” but resist the urge to try to convince him of anything. (Do you really want him to marry you because you talked him into it? Sounds hot, right?)
• BE STRAIGHT WITH HIM ABOUT WHERE YOU’RE AT: He needs to understand how YOU feel about marriage too. If he doesn’t know you need this, he won’t know you need this — that’s simple mathematics. (At least I think that’s what it is. It’s been a while since I’ve taken simple mathematics.)
• DO NOT GIVE HIM AN ULTIMATUM: Don’t take your relationship hostage and threaten to blow its brains out if he doesn’t agree to one day marry you. Look, sometimes ultimatums (ultimati? ultimata?) are appropriate and even necessary, but I’d avoid them except as a very last resort.

I wish you luck, Shelby. As I say, it’s a tough conversation. But since marriage is important to you one day, it’s a necessary one.

That’s a part of what being in a real relationship is all about, right? Having the difficult conversations, finding your way through them, and coming out the other side closer than you were when you started.

Which, as it turns out, is exactly what happened when I had this conversation with MY girlfriend. (I’m not trying to brag or anything. I just happen to be an awesome, awesome man, and there’s nothing I can do about it, ok? And believe me, I’ve tried, you know what I’m saying? Hello? Hello???)

Keep us posted, Shelby!

What say you, ladies of manslations? Anybody been in a similar situation? Any dos and don’ts for our pal, Shelby?