manslations

We’ve got a tough one today, ladies. Manslations reader, Sharon has an ex who will not let her go — EVEN THOUGH HE’S LIVING WITH ANOTHER WOMAN.

First of all, before we even get to your letter, Sharon — please don’t feel badly about having dated this guy. We all pick a loser now and again. We ALL do it. Some people even STAY with the loser. (No offense to Laura Bush. If she’s even reading this, I mean.)

Sharon writes:

Okay here goes….I dated a seemingly wonderful guy for almost a year. In the beginning everything was great. He did and said all the right things. I made it a point to take it slow and didn’t disqualify him because he has been incarcerated before and didn’t have certain things I deemed necessary for me to date. Over a period of time, I would see myself doing more and more for him while he became distant. He eventually changed the way he looked and the way he behaved making me think he was finally showing me his true self. Finally, one day he gave me a really bogus excuse and he left. Of course I was hurt but at the same time, I was relieved. After our relationship ended I learned from his family that he was cheating on me a lot when I was out of town and they warned me that I should forget about him because he isn’t worth my time. This came from his own family.

Since the beginning of our relationship, he would send me a daily devotional e-mail every morning. He still does. He will not stop. He will not let go. Today I received a message from one of his family members I had not spoken to since the breakup. It stated that He has moved in with his new girlfriend and it’s a really terrible situation. Something I would never allow myself to experience. I wonder, if he has this new life and a new relationship, why won’t he go away and leave me alone?

Dear Sharon,

It sounds like, while he was good at disguising it at first, he is what the psychiatric profession refers to as a “kook.” Seriously, this guy makes me nervous. And I don’t even know him. But he does seem to be exhibiting some classic male behavior. That said, onto my OWN paranoia:

BIG DISCLAIMER: I, Jeff Mac, hereby remind all readers, foreign and domestic, that I am, at best, a comedian. As I’m sure you already know, Sharon, I’d ask yourself whether or not you are afraid for your safety. (I bring it up because of the whole “jail” thing) If you are, obviously contact the police and ask them what your options are. If you feel that you are being stalked, there might be something they can do about it. All I know for sure is that there’s nothing that *I* can do about it. (In addition to being a mere comedian, I am what the scientific community describes as a “coward.” And when a scientist calls you that, wow, that is really a burn.)

That said, if and ONLY if the above situation doesn’t apply, onto your question:

WHY WON’T HE LEAVE YOU ALONE?

I can manslate this behavior in one word — ATTENTION.

Hell, even NON-crazy guys feel this way. We don’t want you to stop paying attention to us. In a little, immature part of our brains, we all want to think that we were the only one for you. (I am, of course, an exception — I KNOW that I was the only one for them. Right ladies? Right? Huh? Hello? Call me!)

In a way, this might even explain why he dumped you out of the blue. It could be that he couldn’t stomach the possibility of you dumping him, so he headed you off at the pass.

So it seems like this “daily devotional email” (that’s a religious thing, I’m guessing? Wait — this IS our President, isn’t it? Oh, poor Laura — do you think she knows?) is his way of throwing out bait to keep you interested, involved, or at least in some way paying attention to him. You know how they say that if kids can’t get attention for doing good things, they’ll settle for attention for doing bad things? (I don’t know how the parental types DO it. I get exhausted just paying attention to myself.)

WHAT CAN YOU DO?

I say unleash the fury of your spam filter on anything from him and forget him. If you haven’t already, AND if (another disclaimer here) and only if you feel safe doing this, you might want to send out one last, “I think it’s best if we both moved on, I appreciate that you want to send me these things, but I’m going to have to ask you to stop, please respect this, I won’t be reading them anymore, good luck in your life, I know you understand,” kind of an email.

And then set your spam filter on fold, spindle, and mutilate.

You can’t stop him from sending these things, but you can at least keep from giving him the attention he wants.

Good luck, Sharon. You obviously gave this guy better than he deserved. You have tried to be as kind about it as you could be. But now, it’s time for you to live your life, minus one kook.

Ladies of the internet — any thoughts for Sharon? Anybody have any success in dealing with such a guy? What did YOU do?