Men Cheating and Lying: a Reader Request
Hello, all. I received a very short, but VERY loaded manslations request from someone calling herself Loirelei. She writes:
So why do men cheat and lie anyway? How do you stop one from cheating and lying? where can you find one that doesn’t do these things?
Dear Loirelei,
Let me answer the 3rd part first. Partly because it’s the easiest one to answer, and partly because that’s how they answered questions in that movie Quiz Show, which I enjoyed a great deal.
WHERE TO FIND A MAN THAT DOESN’T CHEAT OR
LIE
Nowhere. Sorry. I’m not saying there ARE no men who don’t do these things. (Well…I don’t think I’m saying that, anyway.) But regardless, we don’t all hang out at a bar called “HonestFaithfulAwesome,” or something. And if there WERE such a place, the cheaters and liars would all hang out there, because it would be such a great place to get laid.
Sadly, you’re going to just have to keep on sifting through the douchebags.
WHY DO MEN CHEAT AND LIE?
Short answer: Because it works.
Longer answer: Look, all men don’t cheat, but all men WANT to have sex with every woman we see. Sorry, but it’s true. Doesn’t really matter if they’re attractive. Doesn’t really matter if they’re available. It definitely doesn’t even matter if the man is 100%, head-over-heels in love with his girlfriend. Doesn’t matter if he is currently having the most mind-blowing sex of his life. He’s still going to be wondering what it would be like to add another woman into the mix, and he’s going to wonder it all day long.
There is no such thing as being so in love with a woman that we stop wanting to have sex with other ones. This is a common misunderstanding about men and fidelity.
THE DEFINITION OF FIDELITY FROM A MALE PERSPECTIVE: Fidelity means that we are willing NOT to have sex with other women. It doesn’t mean that we stop thinking about it all the time, or even that we want it any less. Again, this is everybody, not just the jerks. Visualizing sex with another woman is just our brain’s way of saying ‘hello.’
THE BULLSHIT EXCUSE FOR CHEATING THAT SOME MEN GIVE: Some men like to throw biology around when explaining their cheating, charming science experts that they are. They claim that men are biologically designed to spread their seed around to as many women as possible. (And there may even be something to this, however, uh, we’re also probably biologically designed to live in trees and pee on all our stuff to mark our territory. Give it a rest, Darwin.)
He will then say that he couldn’t help it (this is a lie.)
And he’ll probably add that the woman he cheated with didn’t mean anything to him (probable true – if it helps any, think of it as him masturbating with her body. It doesn’t help any? Yeah, I didn’t think so.)
THE REAL REASON MEN CHEAT:
Immaturity.
He either doesn’t know or doesn’t care that it would be bad, as long as you don’t find out. And he really might not know. After all, this other woman doesn’t mean anything to HIM, so what’s the big deal? If a guy is either immature, and/or just not that respectful of his woman, this is what happens.
From the time a man is about 12, convincing women to grant us access to their bodies has been the single greatest driving force in our lives. It’s why we get jobs (or for guys in their 20s, why they DON’T get jobs, but instead join bands.) It’s why we create cities, civilizations, nuclear weapons, it’s why we buy clothes, cars, Axe Body Spray, whatever moron stuff we think MIGHT get you into bed.
It takes some pretty intense re-training to convince ourselves that, “Ok, remember that thing that you focused 100% of yourself upon up until today? Yeah, shut it down.” It’s definitely a challenge even for the good guys — and for an immature a-hole, well, it’s just not an option.
HOW DO YOU STOP A MAN FROM CHEATING AND LYING?
Short Answer: Short of burying his genitals in the yard and sewing his mouth shut, you don’t. Sorry. You stop it by picking a different guy.
Longer Answer: If he sees you as someone he can cheat on/lie to, you’re pretty much out of luck. You’re just with the wrong guy.
The best you can hope for is to make sure every guy understands that faithfulness is non-negotiable and there are no second chances. If your relationship is important to him, he will be a guy who understands that it’s worth it, if he gets to be with you.
So, your mission isn’t to find a guy who will never look at another woman. Nor is it to find a unicorn. What you are shooting for is to find a guy who, in spite of the fact that he DOES want other women, is willing NOT to do it because you mean that much to him.
They are out there, but unfortunately, they’re hidden amongst the jerks. Happy hunting, Loirelei!
Posted: September 4th, 2007 under Dating Preparation, Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Curvy Spice
Time September 4, 2007 at 3:37 pm
You know there was a bar in my hometown called “The Office” so when men’s wives called them they could “honestly” tell them they were at “The Office.” Its a little disturbing to what lengths people will go to lie.
If I had a bar I would name it Frolic and Detour.
Pingback from More on Cheaters
Time September 4, 2007 at 3:51 pm
[...] Jeff shares a man’s perspective, which let’s face it ladies – we NEED to hear. We need to understand how the opposite sex thinks. And he let’s us in on what’s going on with most men. If this is one of your concerns, or you keep attracting men who exhibit this behavior, you might want to read what Jeff has to say. Visit Manslations.com [...]
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time September 5, 2007 at 8:44 am
Ronnie Ann: Thanks so much for stopping by and linking! Manslatees — check Ronnie’s site out at http://www.NeverTooLate.biz — very cool stuff.
Curvy: Only a moron dude could come up with a bar called “The Office” and actually think it would help. And I like the “Frolic & Detour” a lot. Sounds like it coule get a little weird, though. Like maybe you’d walk in and Kate Bush would be comparing scars with Tori Amos or something… Just watch out for that.
Comment from PishPosh
Time September 5, 2007 at 1:26 pm
Ha! Darwin! Yes, I knew a man who said as much — we boys can’t help it, it’s our nature! And yet, he wanted no part of a woman unless she was waxed to within an inch of her life. I suppose “nature” only goes so far, eh?
Comment from Loirelai
Time September 6, 2007 at 1:06 pm
I love you Jeff.. Are you single? What about narcisstic men? Do you know anything about those? Or am I getting to pschological with you?
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time September 6, 2007 at 9:21 pm
PishPosh: What, are you saying Mother Nature did NOT intend to have all your hairs yanked out by the roots?
Loirelai: You certainly know how to make a blogger blush! I am very happily not single, but I DO know something about narcissistic men. I’ll have to drag myself away from the mirror to write about it, of course. But I’ll post something up here about it.
Pingback from Another Fine Google Search: “can men stop cheating” « Manslations
Time September 20, 2007 at 6:19 am
[...] 20, 2007 I did a post a little while back about men and cheating, and it spurred quite a bit of conversation on the subject. One thing we didn’t totally cover [...]
Pingback from The Secret to Getting a Man to Fall Madly in Love With You? A Reader Request « Manslations
Time October 2, 2007 at 6:10 am
[...] manslatees. We have our very first return customer. Frequent commenter and manslation requester (on the subject of men, cheating, and lying), Loirelei, has asked a very, very simple question: So what’s the trick in getting a man to [...]
Comment from hatty
Time July 5, 2008 at 8:05 pm
My husband of 9 years has been cheating and it has just come out, we have been seperated for about 5 months now due to this, he has realised that he made a mistake, and it is his fault and he really wants to fix things up what should i do?
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time July 7, 2008 at 10:43 am
hatty: Tough, tough call. This is definitely one of those cases where the only way out is through. If you feel that you want to trust your husband again (sounds like you are at least open to the possibility) then I’d say you’re going to have to get more than the standard, “Baby, baby, I would never do that again!” sort of thing.
A true cheater (as opposed to someone who makes a mistake and can actually keep himself from doing it again) is banking on coming up with what you want him to say, rather than the real truth.
Good luck, hatty. I think the only way to restore trust is by both of you being 100% honest, and by both of you believing that the other one is being 100% honest. I wish you the best in this.
Comment from Ginger
Time September 10, 2008 at 2:27 pm
OK, I’ll sounds like a complete sap here but a straight talking male point of view would be good.
BF had been a serial cheater. BF cheated in the early months of our relationship, then stopped. A few months later annouced to all his friends he was ‘going to be faithful to this one’ (I know Ladies, a real charmer). More than 6 months after that I found evidence and confronted him (having been suspicious anyway) and he admitted to 4 one night stands in the first few months and load of other stuff from before me. Most of me believes him. I moved out and he has spent 10 months being so attentive and pretty damn wonderful. And has given me passwords to everything so I can reassure myself whenever I want.
He’s doing so much that part of me thinks I should give myself a kick up the arse and stop worrying. The other part of me is worried that having been really quite bad in the past its all just more of an act. If he’s found time to be up to something it’s been during work time and he’s been incredibly careful to be accountable for his whereabouts.
I really want to move on but I am struggling
Comment from Alicia
Time August 17, 2009 at 6:44 pm
Men tend to go back to girls who they had great sex but not to an exgirlfriend, why does sex make men want to go back to a woman?
Comment from Robyn
Time November 11, 2009 at 7:07 am
I cant believe you can excuse the male species, and say that they want to have sex with every female they see, you would have to then state that females do too, except we have more self control, and dont waste time focusing on excuses as to why we do wrong. We just admit it and bloody well get on with it.
Comment from Ronnie Ann Ryan – The Dating Coach
Time September 4, 2007 at 3:36 pm
Hi Jeff,
Wow – what an amazing discussion about cheatng and lying. Your brave, tell-it-like-it-is honesty is so refreshing. I can’t even say which is my favorite part – although I did really like the Darwin bit and the part about the bar with good guys – and how it would still attract the cheaters. Excellent point. But what strikes me as the most down-to-earth and practical comment is the short answer on how to get a man to stop cheating and lying – pick a different guy. BRAVO!
Thanks for being so crystal clear. I’m going to share your wisdom with my readers.
Ronnie Ann Ryan – The Dating Coach
http://www.NeverTooLate.biz