manslations

Ahoy, ladies. Today we’ve got a good one from our old pal, Amy Pacheco who just moved in with her man. Amy is experiencing a little, uh, “turbulence.” Amy writes:

So I have recently moved in with my boyfriend and, well, I have this overwhelming urge to murder him. Everything he does, everything he touches, all the mess he makes, he never thinks about doing the dishes or picking up his socks, I just want to wrap my fingers around his neck and squeeze until his eyes explode out of his head and his brain melts!

But I really do love him.

Help Manslations!

-Amy Pacheco

Dear Amy,

Man, have I been there. Both sides of this thing. Here’s 10 things to get you moving in the right direction. And by “right” I mean “not felonious.”

1. MOVING IN TOGETHER IS EXACTLY THIS HARD: It just is. You’re not doing it wrong or anything. Doesn’t matter how crazy you are about each other.
2. CHILL OUT: It’s going to take a little time. Put down the knife. It’ll be there later, if you need it.
3. IT’S NOT PERSONAL: Unless you’re with a psychopath, he’s not actively trying to bother you. He just doesn’t consider picking up socks or doing the dishes to be a part of cleaning. You’re going to have to let him know that you DO. However…
4. IT’S YOUR PROBLEM: Hear me out. That’s how you want to bring it up. “I’m having some issues with xyz, and I really need your help.” Trust me. In other words…
5. DON’T BE HIS MOM: If you approach this subject in the, “How can you live in this filth!?” sense, you might get him to do the stuff. BUT, you know who ELSE did that? His mom. You do NOT want to put yourself in THAT category. He’ll resist all day long. (Cleaning up because your mom yelled at you is decidedly NOT bad ass.) In fact, you could even say, “Look, I don’t want to be your mom. I’m trying to be the woman who has sex with you. Help me do that, without simultaneously becoming the woman who murders you in your sleep .” Oh, but…
6. NO SEX FOR CHORES: Don’t reward or punish with sex. I’ve heard women talk about doing this. What the hell is THAT? I’m not saying he won’t take it. But…uh…do you really want to be, essentially, a hooker who accepts “cleaning socks” for payment. Also don’t you want to have sex with him, too? You know, just because you WANT to?
7. BE READY TO HEAR YOUR FAULTS: Look, it’s safe to assume that he wants to kill you as well. I know, I know — why? After all, you pick up YOUR socks. Yeah, he doesn’t care. But if there IS something that he wants you to do, you can bet it will come up.
8. DON’T TRY TO CHANGE HIS DEFINITION OF CLEAN: I know what you’re saying. “But that’s exactly what I AM trying to do.” Sure, if it worked. But it won’t. What you’re doing is asking him to respect YOUR definition of clean — for the relationship. What you don’t want to do is to get into an argument about whether or not socks on the floor are a problem — not only won’t it work, but that’s the dumbest conversation ever had by homo sapiens.
9. MAKE A WRITTEN CLEANING SCHEDULE – TOGETHER: Ok, this sounds totally moronic, but there’s a reason — plausible deniability. Actually come up with a schedule or calendar — and the 2 of you have to both agree to it. First, he’ll be able to see that the chores are all equal, and he’s not getting screwed or anything. Secondly, if you have to remind him, you can just point at the thing. As in, “It’s not me telling you to do the dishes, it’s that mean, bitchy schedule thingie that we agreed to do.”
10. HE’S NOT PSYCHIC: Don’t do that girl-trick where you want us to do XY and Z, but you only ask for X and Y, and hope that we just know to do Z. “If he really cares about me, he’ll do Z.” No, we won’t. We don’t know to do Z. We don’t know what Z is. (It’s just a letter, if you think about it. So are X and Y. That’s called “education,” Amy. You’re welcome.)

Good lucky, Amy! Look, presumably you guys love each other. So make sure that the entire conversation stays on, “Listen, I’m nuts about you. What can we do for each other, so we can have a great time living together?”

And remember — to err is human, but to murder is bad for your resumé.

Ladies? Any good tricks for smoothing the “New Live-In” situation for Amy?