Think You’re Dating a Necrophiliac? Wait, really?
Hello, lovely manslatees. Uh…I don’t know how to start this one.
As some of you might know, I check my web stats, oh, let’s say 500 times a day. I love the SEARCHES — as in, what did someone Google that ultimately brought them to Manslations.com?
Here’s my current favorite:
how do you know if you’re dating a necrophiliac
Wow. I’m not sure how in the hell that search got you got to ME, Googler, but fear not. Jeff Mac is here to help.
Uh…first of all, I have a question for YOU. Is this a tough thing to determine about him? Really? How mysterious can somebody be? I mean…if you’re Googling this, you must have some…evidence. You know what? Please don’t tell me.
Here are some signs that you could be dating a necrophiliac.
- Works at a morgue, and LOVES overtime.
- Owns a vast collection of shovels and always has lots of fresh dirt on his shoes.
- Wore out his Six Feet Under DVDs.
- Brings chocolates and a bottle of wine to funerals.
- Asks you to wear a lot of pale makeup, take a cold bath, and just lie still.
- Masturbates to photos of Courtney Love, post-plastic surgery.
I’m sorry, I seem to be having a hard time taking this question seriously. Here’s a tip — if you have to ask, you don’t want to know. Please dump him. Do you really want to be telling your friends,
“Yeah, he’s a great guy. I can’t tell whether or not he’s a necrophiliac, but other than that…“
No. No, you don’t.
Or hey, maybe you do. Who am I to judge? But if you do, I take back what I said before — please make sure you tell us all about it. To hear that story, I’d get over the nausea.
What do you think, hilarious commenters of Manslations.com? Any other signs that our Googler might be dating a necrophiliac?
Posted: September 6th, 2007 under Manslation Googles, Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Tina the Horrible
Time September 6, 2007 at 11:48 am
His apartment is full of formaldehyde-scented candles.
Comment from VikiVale
Time September 6, 2007 at 12:38 pm
Whenever you wake up from a deep sleep, he always looks somehow disappointed…
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time September 6, 2007 at 9:19 pm
MissEd: Fancy!
Tina the H: Soothing.
VikiV: Aaaand…Creepy
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Comment from Dizzy
Time September 9, 2007 at 5:14 pm
In answer to your question of how someone might get here from the necrophilia question, I quote your own words:
“That way, when you stick around and he gets arrested for necrophilia, he will be able to act indignant about your reaction. ‘Hey, I TOLD you I wasn’t a good boyfriend!’”
By the way, I agree with you: if you have to ask the queston, you don’t want to know the answer!
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time September 10, 2007 at 12:48 pm
Dizzy! Good searching, you! I had forgotten all about that post. Ok, so I brought this upon myself. I accept full responsibility for all necrophiliacs who feel the need to stop by.
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Comment from MissEducation
Time September 6, 2007 at 10:48 am
He gets dressed up in a tux and watches “Dawn of the Dead” alone, drinking champagne and eating caviar.