manslations

It’s that time again, Manslatees. It’s time for our Friday news roundup, where I manslate stories from around the globe, and beyond! (Well, probably not ‘beyond.’ It’s pretty much just the globe.)

Let’s get started, shall we?
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Brad Pitt: ‘I Did All I Could to Ease Pain of Split with Aniston’

Poor Brad. He did all he could. Right up to the part where he proceeded to get married and have a million babies of all races, creeds and colors with Angelina freaking Jolie.

Ladies, here’s the Manslation of this story:

PITT: “Those questions had to be answered before an attraction to Angie could be answered.”

Manslation: “I had to pretend I wasn’t with Angie until I could get out of this thing with Jen.”

Oldest trick in the, “I’m cheating, but really I’m a totally decent guy,” book. Not that I blame him or anything. Then again, it’s hard to muster up a lot of sympathy for the guy (see: Angelina freaking Jolie.)

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Woman Lived with Dead Aunt for a Year

(Manslator’s Note: You probably thought we were done with the topic of “people having unnatural relationships with dead bodies.” But you would be wrong.)

This woman not only lived with the dead body — she mummified it. (At least I assume she did it herself. I doubt you can just go to the Yellow Pages and call a mummification guy.)

Ladies, you know that trick where you want to make sure you don’t “accidentally” invite a dude up to your place after a date, and so you purposely leave your apartment filthy? Well, I think this is taking it too far.
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Woman Fired for Talking Back to Boss

I love that the rule in China is that you can’t contradict your boss three times. Three. I wonder how many people do it twice just to mess with them? I bet it’s five people. Or maybe eleven. Either way, it’s awesome.

China, please stop firing people who contradict you 3 times. Unless their contradiction goes like this:

“But I WANT to put poison in that toothpaste. No, boss — I want to do it. No, I still want to.”

Then, ya fired.

(Manslator’s Note: It occurs to me that this isn’t really a “manslation.” But…err…maybe there was a guy in the background of the story who…uhh…left the toilet seat up? Give me a break, it’s Friday, people.)

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Brattleboro, Vermont Voting on Public Nudity Law

Only a man could think that public nudity is a good idea in the first place. It is only in the male brain that such optimism exists:

Public nudity?! Awesome! I bet it’s gonna be all hot women! I vote YES!

Yes. That’s always who the “public nudity activists” turn out to be — the really hot people. Right? Hello?

Also, this story begs the question: how far has global warming gone that public nudity is even POSSIBLE in Brattleboro, VT? Plus, it’s New England. I’m from New England. We’re not public nudity people. I mean, even without the cold, there’s always still the shame…

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Well, that’s it for another fun-filled week here at Manslations. I’ll be back next week with more answers to reader questions and more. As always, feel free to submit a QUESTION OF YOUR OWN. Or just leave a comment and let me know you stopped by!