manslations

Hey manslatees. A reader calling herself “LA Lady” has an age-old question. Flirty friends, but nothing more, and hey, she wants more! She writes:

Hi Jeff,

I love your web site and your sense of humor! Got any single brothers just like you lurking around????

My problem is one of mixed messages. I know this guy because he is a professional that I come in contact with regularly we have flirted for 2 years. He complains that he doesn’t have a girl friend, calls me “special”, sends me emails and calls occasionally. He even showed up for a party at my house that he was going to stay for “only a few minutes” and ended up staying for 2 and a half hours! The problem? He never actually asks me out on a formal date or makes any romantic moves… Am I just a buddy? If so how do I move to potential girl friend material?

LA Lady

Dear LA Lady,

(Manslator’s Note: First of all, I have no brothers whatsoever, single or otherwise. Sadly, there was only enough wonderfulness in this world to create one male child in my family. I know, I know. All the ladies of the world are going to have to deal with that disappointment and there’s nothing I can do about it.)

Onto your question. Well, it’s definitely possible, and even likely that you’re a resident of The Friend Zone. There are some signs that could go either way — he clearly likes hanging out with you, flirts with you, sends emails. And yet, he has never moved it to the next level. When that arrangement lasts this long, usually it’s a sign that a guy just doesn’t see you as anything other than a pal.

The bad news is that there really isn’t much of an exit strategy from the friend zone. If the chemistry isn’t there for him, you can’t make it happen. However…

DIPPING YOUR PEN IN THE COMPANY INK?

…since the two of you are also in a professional relationship, there’s a possibility that he wishes he could go for it, but is afraid that YOU would find that inappropriate. All the talk of not having a girlfriend, etc. could be his way of fishing for information on you, and how you might feel about him.

Again, this is just a possibility. It’s hard to tell. And there is NO indication that he’s going to clue you in anytime soon. The good news is, it’s not that hard to figure it out. But you’re going to have to put your neck on the line. You’re going to have to flush him out.

OFFICIAL MANSLATION: The “No Harm, No Foul Date Proposition”

If you’re inclined to take a risk, I’d say that you should make a minor move. If I’m understanding the situation correctly, you’re probably going to want to propose it verbally here, rather than just throwing him down on the nearest horizontal surface and seeing what happens. (Don’t worry — if he goes for it, that part will be on it’s way shortly.)

In this situation, I’d say to go ahead and say something in the realm of, “Hey, I just had a crazy thought. What if we went out? Together. You and me. Like, on a ‘date,’ if you will.”

Also (and this is a genius part of this plan o’ mine, if I do say so myself) give him a 100% non-awkward out. In this case, I’d go for, “…unless, I mean, if you think that would be too weird for us professionally.”

His reaction will tell you all you need to know. If he’s up for it, he’ll likely pooh-pooh that idea, and go ahead with the date. (He’ll probably pooh-pooh at some point that day regardless, if he knows what’s good for him. Seriously, staying regular is so important.)

And if he bites down hard on the, “Yeah, I wouldn’t want to hurt our professional blah blah blah,” or any other excuse then at least you’ll know. Stuff might be a little awkward for a bit, but if you take the lead in returning to your previous tone — fun, relaxed, flirty, no big deal — he will most likely be happy to get back to the friend zone. And you’ll have taken your shot.

Personally, as a “coward” myself, I would recommend EMAIL as your form of communication, and as a part of an already ongoing email conversation — in case the answer is NO. Remember, the whole point is that you’re giving him a HUGE door to escape through, if he isn’t interested. And if you are in the Friend Zone, this question will be very out of the blue, and he will pee his pants. (And he might do that anyway — hey I don’t know him.)

Usually, you don’t really “move between buddy material and date material”. And that’s not what you’re doing here. All you’re doing here is flushing him out of hiding to find out which material you are for him. Once you know, then you know.

Good luck, LA Lady! Please report back and let us know how you did! Laydees of Manslations? Any suggestions for LA Lady? How can she deal with this slippery dude?