manslations

Comment from Lori
Time September 12, 2007 at 9:57 am

I never call anybody if I can avoid it.

All texts and emails for me, thanks.

If you want to talk to me on the phone, you have to text me and say that.

Comment from Dating Goddess
Time September 12, 2007 at 10:35 am

Jeff:

I like your approach. Honesty — what a concept!

My only tweak would be instead of “I notice that you don’t seem to be into making phone contact” I’d say something like “I notice we don’t talk on the phone. I like chatting live periodically. Would it be ok with you if we talked on the phone every few days?”

The reason for the suggestion is the “I notice that you…” puts the onus on him, that it’s his responsibility for calling. And it hints at blame that he hasn’t called. I hate it when someone says “I haven’t heard from you in a while.” What — are your fingers broken? You can’t make the call if you want to talk?

I went out with a guy who told me early on that he didn’t initiate calls. It just wasn’t a habit he had. He said he’s happy to talk to me if i wanted to call, but not to sit around and wait. I don’t know if that was the truth or a smokescreen, but he rarely initiated, although he would return my calls and seemed glad to talk to me when I called.

Thanks, too, Jeff for mentioning my blog entry. You rock!

Dating Goddess
Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40
http://www.DatingGoddess.com

Pingback from My phone’s not ringing. Is that you not calling? « Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40
Time September 12, 2007 at 12:52 pm

[...] phone’s not ringing. Is that you not calling? My pal Manslations blog writer Jeff Mac wrote about how to get a man you’re seeing to call you instead of just [...]

Comment from Jeff Mac
Time September 12, 2007 at 1:05 pm

Lori: Most of the time, I’m right there with you. Please, if you want to talk to me, DON’T.

Dating Goddess: Excellent point. The less you can sound like you’re blaming him for not calling YOU, the better. It’s about you wanting there to be more phone contact, NOT that you want him to do more stuff. Good catch, thanks!

Comment from Theatregal
Time September 12, 2007 at 10:06 pm

The only thing I’d like to know, is do you know that no one is calling or texting him when you are together and you just don’t know? Could be he doesn’t call you when you’re not together because he’s with someone else.

I had a a boyfriend who turned his phone off whenever we were together. I finally got it. He was juggling…quite a few of us. If I called him and he actually answered , he always seemed happy to hear from me. He was alone at the time.

Finally, I got a phone call from a gal who found my # on his cell phone. I also, received several e-mails and IM’s from several woman who got into his computer. None of us knew about each other. For the moment he was screwed, but I’m sure the stable’s full again.

Then again, He may just not be into calling. You’ll never know until you explore it in conversation. Of course, you have to discuss it in a way that doesn’t put him on the defensive. There are a lot of guys that are honest and not jerks.

Comment from Jeff Mac
Time September 13, 2007 at 8:06 am

Theatregal: Oh, I bet that phonecall you got from one of his other one-and-onlies was SO FUN. Wow. Just wow.

And you could be absolutely right — Though she didn’t seem to imply that she saw any sneaky behavior on his part, whenever you don’t know, well, you just don’t KNOW. You know?

Comment from Brie
Time September 21, 2007 at 1:54 pm

I’m female and consider myself sort of a non-caller. The reason being that it’s hard to justify having a long conversation about something when you’re not in person. Talking with someone in person makes it so much easier to give them your full attention because you have body language and other stuff to give you visual stimuli. Talking on the phone is like listening to music while staring at a blank wall. You’re only using one of your senses, and it feels like it takes effort to concentrate. Also, a minute of silence in person just means you’re not talking at the moment, you might be looking at other things or walking around. A minute of silence on the phone means “oh my god he hates talking to me, he’s just sitting there doing nothing and he has nothing to say to me, am I boring?? What did I do wrong??”

Comment from Jeff Mac
Time September 21, 2007 at 3:47 pm

Brie: Agreed. Phone is just too much WORK, trying to get your hearing to pull quintuple-sense-duty. If I wanted that much exercise, I’d run a marathon.

Comment from “Hilarious Comic Jesse Joyce”
Time September 21, 2007 at 5:39 pm

So it’s “vaguely gay” when I call eh? One could argue that it’s vaguely gay to run a blog that gives relationship advice. It could also be considered vaguely gay to include in your “who is Jeff Mac” section that you once played a “I’ve been a roller skating donut.”

Good sir and dear friend whom I have no interest in making out with, I maintain phone contact with you because I tour around this country doing the stand up comedy because I am in fact 1. “a hilarious comic” as you mentioned earlier, and 2. because I can not rollerskate… so thusly, the only way for us to maintain any sort of friendship whatsoever is for me to occasionally call you. It is usually whilst driving or between shows when I call… very rarely am I lying on a bed festooned with teddy bears, staring at my Justin Timberlake poster, playing with the phone cord and giggling about boys whom I find dreamy… From now on, I will only call you while I am having sex with women.

And for those who read his blog and are seeking advice about women, I do in fact maintain plenty of contact with women over the phone given the nature of my occupation, and it seems to be very appreciate by aforementioned women. And they are in no way similar to the phone conversations I have with my very good friend and also hilarious comic Jeff Mac. So call your wife or girlfriend. But if you are a guy, do not call Jeff Mac, he’s relatively insecure about his heterosexual compass. And if you do, make sure it is a conversation exclusively about having sex with a football while working on your car on a fishing trip.

Comment from Jeff Mac
Time September 22, 2007 at 11:43 am

Dude, you are so hot when you’re angry.

Seriously, people. Go see this man live. Jesse and I were on Comedy Central together, and he’s absolutely one of my favorite comics ever. Click on his name up there, get his schedule, and find out when he’s in your town. You will laugh til you barf.

Comment from Theatregal
Time October 3, 2007 at 12:27 am

Well, as I suspected. a few weeks ago…the “stable” is once again full. He’s calling again. Apparently, it wasn’t just a lot of “girlfriends” he was juggling. He had a wife, too. #3. Come to find out, the way I was called and e-mailed by some of the others was that one of the “stable” gave everyone she could find, my email address and forwarded e-mails. Of course, she also told his wife. Now she’s his ex, although they still see each other. He is smooth. He can read any woman. Say and do exactly what she’s been looking for. Lottery…Jackpot. I really don’t think it’s completely conscious. The whole reason he started calling me ( he says) is because he wants me to still like him and not think he’s a jerk. These “relationships” can last anywhere from one night to years. I told a couple of guy friends about this. Most of them were in AWE of him. They were envious. They wished they could do this. This is a little scary. Do all guys wish they could have several women all thinking they’re the one and only and not just the one of many? And no I don’t see him anymore. It was long distance to begin with. I guess a lot of the women are.
Jeff, they don’t have to give off any sneaky vibes. This guy never did. When you’re with him, you feel as if you are all that exists and are the most special, amazing woman in the world. When he’s with you…he is totally with you. Even my friends thought he was the one for me.

Comment from Jeff Mac
Time October 3, 2007 at 8:15 am

Theatregal: I definitely don’t think all guys would want this situation. All the sex probably sounds good to a lot of guys in theory, but the sneaking around and juggling seems like an awful lot of work. No, this is a pathological thing, seriously.

The guy you’re describing and guys like him definitely don’t give off sneaky vibes, or else they wouldn’t be very successful at this. These are men who NEED women to pay attention to them. So they specialize in figuring out what you need, and appearing to give it to you (and I agree, it’s probably not even conscious.)

I don’t know how many alcoholics/drug addicts you’ve come across, but they’re usually pretty damn charming as well. They have to be, in order for their bad behavior to be allowed.

I’m sorry you had to deal with one of these. All I can say is, good for you that you got out of there. Some women spend their whole lives with one of these insecure pricks.

Comment from Theatregal
Time October 3, 2007 at 10:29 pm

It’s definitely an addiction. He’s done it all of his life and I don’t think he can stop. It really was rather disconcerting to hear my guy friends wishing they were him and seeing them being so “worshipful.” It’s funny you mentioned how much work it must take to juggle so many women. I told him that there are only so many hours in a day. So many weekends in a month. Add a wife, kids, etc. how much time his work takes, I couldn’t understand how he thought he could give 4 or 5 or 6 women enough time or attention. Somehow it works for him. I was recommended the book, ” Escape From Intimacy”, “Untangling the “Love” Addictions: Sex, Romance, Relationships. Juggling is more about avoiding intimacy, according to this author. Interesting.

Comment from Jeff Mac
Time October 4, 2007 at 2:09 pm

Seems like that was the misunderstanding. You couldn’t understand how he thought he could give 6 women enough attention. He wasn’t wondering about that — he was concerned with GETTING enough attention. He only wants to GIVE enough attention to keep all those Ed Sullivan plates spinning up there.

Juggling 8 different relationships is absolutely about avoiding intimacy. It’s basically an addiction to EXCITEMENT. As I always say, everybody has a certain level of trouble that they’re comfy with. If they don’t have enough, they’ll go out and MAKE trouble.