Reader Request (and a LINK!): Dating a Single Mom?
Hello, loyal readers. And hello to the traitorous ones as well, I guess. (Hey, traffic is traffic, people. Keep it clicking!)
Today, I’m going to be tackling a topic about which I know nothing. (Not a first for me, as some of you might know.) Dating a single mom. It is at the request of fantastic author and blogger Rachel Sarah of SingleMomSeeking.com.
It’s a great site — incredibly gutsy and honest writing — and you should absolutely check it out. (Her site, I’m saying. You are already AT this site, why would I be suggesting you check it out? Think, people!)
As a single mom and dater, she’s an expert on this. She wrote, in a comment here on Manslations.com:
I’m sure that my readers would love your 2 cents re: what’s it like for a single dude to date a single mom?
Dear Rachel,
As I hinted above, I have never dated a single mom. That said, I am going to write about it anyway. (Hey, if I stopped myself from writing stuff I know nothing about, I’d have written about 3 posts.)
That disclaimer aside, what does a ‘Single Mom Seeking’ need to know about the male brain? There are some things that I think that any single mom should know about us.
YIKES!
For a lot of guys, it probably scares the crap out of them, I’m guessing. (For example, just typing about it, here, alone in my apartment, I just peed a little.)
CASUAL IS OUT:
A single mom I know once complained to me, “How come just because I have a kid, guys don’t even SEE me sexually? Look, sometimes I just want to get laid too.”
My reaction was, “Wait, REALLY?” I had (wrongly) assumed that she wouldn’t even be interested in something casual. Decent guys are going to assume that casual dating is NOT what you’re after (right or wrong) and that there is a greater sense of, “How serious are we about this?” or even that they are auditioning to be a parent or something. I don’t know what level of casual/serious you’re after, but you’re probably going to have to set the tone on that. (Remember, men are pretty dumb, even the smart ones. Except for me. I never make such mistakes. Uh, let’s move on.)
WHERE DOES HE FIT IN?
Where does he even fit into your schedule, let alone your life? A decent guy isn’t going to want to compete with your kid, obviously, but he’s going to wonder if you even have any time for him at all. (Seems like it would be obvious that if you’re dating you will MAKE the time. But again, as a gender we’re pretty dopey.)
MEN ARE CLUELESS:
Wow, we really are. I’ve alluded to it several times in this post alone. (And yet, I mention it here again. See — that’s how clueless we are.) And when there’s a whole other human in the mix, well — at that point, a lot of guys are going to think, “Well, shit, I can barely dress myself. How in the holy hell am I going to figure THIS thing out?”
Clue us in here. Assume you’re dealing with a poorly informed space alien who just arrived on Earth after a 2 week crash course in relationships.
(That advice applies to women with OR without kids, actually. Just because you’re childless wouldn’t make us any less clueless.)
Good luck, Rachel. It’s always pretty much a freaking miracle when any 2 people can figure each other out. In a single-parent situation I can only imagine that it’s got an added element of crazy to it. But having read some of your stuff on your site, obviously you seem to be figuring it out.
What do you think, manslatees? Anybody have any advice for a single mom in the wonderful world of dating?
Posted: September 13th, 2007 under Dating Preparation, Marriage.
Comments
Pingback from Single Moms, ‘Clue Us In Here’ « Single Mom Seeking….
Time September 13, 2007 at 9:26 am
[...] Jeff Mac, a single stand up comic (hey, how old are you Jeff?), tackles a topic today”about which I know nothing.” [...]
Comment from Shelby
Time September 13, 2007 at 9:37 am
As a single mother I went through the “terrible 2’s” and now we’re in the “not-so-much-better 13’s!” (Only 41/2 more years till she’s away at college… Countdown!) I’ve learned via trial and error that the potential boyfriend MUST get along with your child, and weed the negative guys out as early as possible. I’ve learned that if you have designs on someone, date them a while before you introduce your child into the mix. The key (as in any relationship) is to take it SLOW! It’s okay to casually date, but it will have a direct impact on your child if you’re introducing many men into his or her life. (You also avoid your kid saying, “Nice to meet you, Bob. You’re alot taller than Mike…”) Everything we do, down to the smallest decision we make has a direct effect on a child’s faculties. You’ll know you’ve met someone of substance when they ask to be introduced to your child.
Comment from MissEducation
Time September 13, 2007 at 9:55 am
Ok, that picture of Rachel’s daughter makes my ovaries hurt. Just saying.
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time September 13, 2007 at 10:34 am
eric the beehivehairdresser: Good points — just FYI, if you are ever on a date with a mom, you might not want to compare her relationship with her child to a crazy dude’s relationship to a cat. There’s no point in getting murdered on a date, you know?
Shelby: Great advice about taking it slow. Please tell me that the “Bob vs. Mike” height comparison didn’t actually happen. Then again, a buddy of mine was awakened in a woman’s bed by her child saying, “You’re not Daddy.” So I guess all kinds of stuff happens, huh?
And as a side note — a 13 year old, huh? Whew. That is a rough age. I remember what a little jerk I was at 13. If you’re ever feeling totally overwhelmed, just think — my sister’s got 13 year old TWINS! Yikes!
MissEducation: Yeah, that is a pretty cute damn kid, isn’t she?
Comment from singlemomseeking
Time September 13, 2007 at 11:38 am
Oh, Eric, for the record, I have a Cat….
but a Kid is certainly a tad more complex than a Cat, don’t you think?
I mean, sure they both need to be fed, and they both poop. But a Single Man’s influence on my Kid will certainly last longer… than it will on my Cat, right?
Thanks for your 2 cents!
Pingback from momformation » Blog Archive » Calling All Single Moms!
Time September 13, 2007 at 11:50 am
[...] Jeff Mac, a single stand up comic, tackles a topic today “about which I know nothing.” [...]
Comment from eric the beehivehairdresser
Time September 13, 2007 at 1:17 pm
Singlemomseeking…
Reading things off of the interenet sometimes leaves too much room for me to judge ones tone of voice – you lost me with your comment – meaning that I’m not sure if I offended you by my comment.
My two cents comment was not meant to offend you or anyone, and I hope that this isn’t the case.
btw, I have a cat too.
Comment from Shelby
Time September 13, 2007 at 2:11 pm
Another note for single moms: LOCK YOUR CLOSET WHEN THE BOYFRIEND IS OVER! (Trust me on this!) The Bob v/s Mike hight thing never happened, but since my life is like a citcom, she did bounce down the stairs once carrying a tiny piece of lingerie, saying,”Mommy? I was looking through your closet and found this sexy thing. Are you and ____ having sex? I hope not; you’re not married. It’s considered bad form to have sex when you’re not married. ____? Has my mom worn this around you? ____, you’re not allowed to look at my mom’s boobs, okay?”
Comment from robin j.
Time September 13, 2007 at 5:37 pm
I have a preschooler and I date. It doesn’t seem like a huge deal to me or any guys I’ve met. I don’t keep guys away from my son, but I don’t treat them as anything other than a friend if we are all together. I’m also not looking for a ‘daddy.’ It’s important to me that the guy is comfortable with kids and kind, but I’d get really creeped out if he focused a lot of attention on my son or tried to win _me_ through my son.
The scheduling is definitely the hardest part, but it always seems to play out pretty well.
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time September 13, 2007 at 10:53 pm
Shelby: Holy crap. Ok, I know that the person in that story who is probably the most vulnerable would be your daughter and all, but oh, that poor dude. I’d feel really badly for him if I wasn’t laughing so hard right now…
robin j.: Sounds like you’ve been dating within the right pool of guys — people for whom your son is no big deal at all, just a part of YOU. Very cool!
Comment from Dr. Leah
Time September 14, 2007 at 9:49 am
Single moms are really divided on how much/how soon the conversation shifts to her kids. Personal choice; but, just because your kids are your passion does not mean you are that interested in hearing non-stop about his passions . . .ice hockey, NASCAR, the constant drama in his office. The guy who says, “I know I’ll love your kids; tell me everything . . .” has a creep factor that should not be further explored.
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time September 14, 2007 at 3:12 pm
Dr. Leah: Interesting. Not having kids, I can only imagine how complex it can get, trying to make the call of what is appropriate when. As I say, I can barely dress myself to leave the house.
Oh, and I think I could only watch NASCAR or hockey if they combined the two, so there were hockey teams attempting to play the game while cars were speeding around the rink at 200 mph.
Thanks so much for stopping by — I like your site as well!
Comment from Jennifer
Time September 17, 2007 at 10:16 pm
I was once a single mom (and was really not looking), but my husband happened to just fall into my life- quite simply of course too- I met him at a single’s bible study (in fact our entire group married someone in the group with in the same year my dh and i were dating– we went to A LOT of weddings)- back on subject. I can honestly say that if a man is totally engaged with the fact you have a child- he may not be in the relationship- just for you- There are a lot of child predators out there that prey on women just to get to their kiddo’s (gotta be careful). I don’t want to offend anyone elther- so please if you don’t like what i say- just don’t read or listen anymore. Single mom’s (and I suppose dads) all have to think in the back of their mind- is this dude or dudette really here for me- and if so- i would check back-grounds… lol.. My dh is a LEO – no worries here..
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time September 18, 2007 at 6:31 am
Jennifer: Holy cow. Now THAT is a scary thought.
And yeah, I think if you’re running a background check on someone, you might just want to go with your intuition and hit the road, Jacqueline, and dontcha come bacqueline.
Unless, of course, he’s a leo. In which case…uh…wear red? (I don’t know astrology.)
Thanks for stopping by, Jennifer!
Comment from Rod
Time September 21, 2007 at 10:30 am
Gotta say that dating a single mom was a way bigger deal than I imagined it to be. She has three kids and I eventually realized thatI was dating four people, not one. As it turned out, one adored me, one liked me, one was on the fence and one voted ‘no’… I decided that it would have to be unanimous for me to ever feel like we could make a go of it permanently and very regretfully, I gave up the greatest love I’ve ever met.
I cant say I would ever date a single mom again, unless her child was about to leave home. Its just too complicated to date that many people at once.
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time September 21, 2007 at 3:39 pm
Rod: Very honest comment. Yeah, it seems like it could be pretty intense. And with 4 people…I can barely think of 4 people I like in ANYfamily, let alone the same one!
Comment from jen
Time September 24, 2007 at 3:01 am
I am a single mom of two a three year old son and a ten year old girl. we have been dating for around four almost five months and so far so good. He has meet my children and they both really like him. He is now starting to worry if he is ok with this whole thing. He likes my kids and gets along with them and has told me that he loves me but he is afraid of it not working and hurting the kids. I dont know how to reasure him. I am not asking him for a commitment right now I just want to continue to persue the relationship and see where it takes us. I am also not asking anything from him except to be the kids friend. I dont know where to go from here.
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time September 24, 2007 at 8:35 am
Jen: I think all you can do is be straight with him, and ask for the same back. Make sure he knows that you’re ok with wherever it’s headed.
But more importantly, forget what he’s telling you and pay attention to his behavior. If he’s pulling back (and keeps pulling back, regardless of your reassurances) you should know that, “I love you but I’m worried about xxx,” is — in SOME situations — an ancient guy trick for a “pre-breakup.” We say stuff like that sometimes to get the breakup wheels going.
Again, this is not necessarily the manslation. But his behavior will tell you where he’s at, not his words.
Thanks for writing, and good luck!
Comment from Susan
Time September 25, 2007 at 6:39 pm
Jeff, I just happened upon SingleMomSeeking and the link to your site. (Love the childhood photo, BTW. That is a large hot dog, err, whatever, you’re holding.) I couldn’t resist responding, so here is what I left on SMS’s site, too…
I’ve been a single mom for over 4 years (and, frankly, there’s no end in sight, but that’s another story!) So here are a few tips, guys:
1. Ask about my kids and their interests. It doesn’t have to be your first or even second question because I want you to get to know ME, but my children are part of my life and very important to me. If things progress, we’re a package deal.
2. If you don’t have children yourself, don’t expect me to tell you the complete truth about having them – that some days I really just want to hide in the closet from my sweet darlings or that I yell like a drill sergeant to get us out the door on time. If we date long enough you’ll find this out first hand. If you do have children/step-children, you’ll already know these things.
3. DON:T ask me if I can have more kids (presumably with you) — at least not until we’ve known each other a while. Just last week a guy asked me if I wanted more kids (I don’t know, maybe) and then he asked me if I COULD HAVE more kids! This was approximately 7 minutes into our “relationship” (by phone) — he just wanted to know if I had my tubes tied or anything along those lines. (See my blog for more details!)
4. DON’T ask me right off the bat to change my schedule with my ex so we can spend every weekend together. If it’s meant to last we’ll get to this. One guy asked me this in our first (and last) phone conversation.
5. Reading #3 and 4, I’m beginning to wonder about you all, frankly. Or me…
6. You can meet my kids when I think it is appropriate. Don’t rush it. We need to get to know each other as the hot, interesting adults we are.
7. I want you to respect and understand me as your object of desire. I want to feel sexy and desirable. I just may be tired after going to a few soccer games, Brownies, and homework.
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time September 26, 2007 at 7:11 am
Susan: As I suspected, it’s terrifyingly complex. Just kidding — thanks so much for stopping by and sharing this!
Comment from Susan
Time September 26, 2007 at 7:34 am
Hey, buy me flowers, brush your teeth and act normal and all will be right with the world. See, not so complex 
Pingback from Single Mom Seeking… » Archive » He doesn’t like being No. 2
Time December 13, 2007 at 5:13 pm
[...] the first time I’ve heard this. It takes a really mature, solid man to be with a single mom. Jeff Mac said it well on his blog, [...]
Comment from eric the beehivehairdresser
Time September 13, 2007 at 9:15 am
As a man who is fairly clueless to many things in life, here are my two cents of advice…
Single moms, don’t always keep bringing conversations back to your kids. Guys can understand that you have kids up front, but when out on a date, just casually talking, maybe flirting, it’s best to keep a wide array of topics open to talk about without always steering the conversation back to kids.
Kids and flirting don’t usually go together…not to say that talking about your kids shouldn’t be done, just use moderation.
Another way of me saying this is, wouldn’t you be kind of weirded out by a single guy that happens to have a cat, and somehow kept bringing his cat into any and all topics of conversation?
(this actually goes for everyone, both male and female)
Other than that, don’t assume that just because you are a single mom that you have to act a certain way around a guy that you are dating, or want to date. The corny old saying is right, just be yourself.