Why Don’t Men Clean Up After Themselves? A Reader Request
Welcome back, manslatees! I got a request from my Danish pal, Karina. Karina cuts my hair. During my haircuts, she and I have often spoken of her frustration with her man in the “chores” area. We touched on this a little in my response to Amy Pacheco‘s frustration with HER man. But Karina wants to know WHY. This is very manslatable behavior, and there IS help for it. Karina writes:
Why is it most men don’t clean up after them self? They leave trails the minute they enter the front door. The kitchen looks like a bomb exploded after food has being made, Clothes is all over the bed room floor. Who is going to clean that up?? As far as I know there are only 2 people living in the house? Is that really what life has come to, us women having to clean up THEIR mess for the rest of our life?? Did we spoil them early on, when we were really sweet and want to show them we can do it all? I’m afraid there is no solution to this, they all think they clean up just fine, and we are being to anal, they don’t care about the mess. I dont want to be his mother, but when they know it bother us why dont they just clean up??
Dear Karina,
First of all, I hope that you and Amy Pacheco never end up on a cross-country roadtrip that ends up with you guys driving off a cliff together. Or if you do, I hope you both win Oscars. But seriously, don’t freak out too hard — there are solutions to this issue. I talked about some in the response to Amy. But you have asked about the reason for it.
You know, though, the lousy cleaner isn’t always the dude. When there are 2 people living together, one of them is almost definitely going to be more in tune with the cleaning than the other one. (Unless they’re identical twins or something, in which case they probably shouldn’t be dating in the first place. And you can quote me on that.) Lots of the time, the weaker cleaner is the dude like in your case. Here are some thoughts on why:
- CHORES AREN’T FUN: Oh, sorry — did I just blow everyone’s mind? And sometimes when you want him to do something that isn’t fun (i.e. clean, go shopping with you, watch “Grey’s Anatomy,” etc.) he might sense that you’re not just trying to get him to DO it, but you are trying to CHANGE him into a person who actually LIKES it. If he feels that kind of vibe, you’re going to face serious resistance. Which brings me to…
- YOU’RE ON DIFFERENT TEAMS: If the cleaning game is, “I want to clean and you don’t,” he will resist. He has to because you’re on different teams. It’s now set up so that if he DOES clean, it means that he surrendered. He lost. You need to get him on the same team with you. Neither of you likes cleaning, right? So “the game” needs to be the two of you against cleaning — to get the cleaning DONE with as little time/effort as possible.
- CLEANING NEEDS TO BE BAD-ASSED: Listen, Jack Bauer would look ridiculous using a swiffer. As would a ninja or a jedi. Case closed. And if the only upside of cleaning is “you’ll stop being annoyed with him”, that’s not much of a bad-assed incentive. To get around this, you need to allow him to “rescue you.” You need his help in solving a problem — the mission: figuring out how to keep the house clean so neither of you is getting screwed. If you allow him to help come up with a bad-assed system to get the chores done with minimal stress, he might be more interested.
Any relationship has struggles like this, and like I say, it’s not always a man/woman thing. It’s just a “2 people living together” thing. But, if it IS a man/woman thing, my recommendation is that nagging will never get you there. It just won’t work. If your cleaning negotiations are less, “Will you please stop being an idiot and just clean up already?” and more along the lines of, “Help me Obi Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope,” you’ll have better luck.
Good luck, Karina! (And I’ll see you soon. My hair is going a little “Albert Einstein” on me, as is its wont.)
-Jeff Mac
Ladies? Anybody out there have their man tell them WHY they didn’t clean?
Posted: September 17th, 2007 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time September 18, 2007 at 6:26 am
Hey loirelei! You know, I can’t tell you how many times I said that very thing as a kid. It’s the Law of Entropy. It’s a losing battle. Why can’t we all just get along?
Of course, now I live in an NYC apartment so small that if there’s a sock on the floor, it feels like a war zone…ah well.
Happy b-day to your son!
Comment from Brie
Time September 21, 2007 at 3:12 pm
“it’s not always a man/woman thing. It’s just a “2 people living together” thing. ”
No joke, my roommate after graduating college was the slobbiest person I’ve ever met. She left a pot of tuna noodle casserole out for 2 weeks while I was away on vacation once.
If I had a desire to ever eat tuna noodle casserole in my life, that desire has long passed.
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time September 21, 2007 at 3:49 pm
Brie: Was she my college roommate? And a man? I had a roommate once leave tuna and macaroni on dishes in the sink over a Christmas break once. When we came back, no joke, it was PURPLE.
I stacked the plates on the floor in his room. He never mentioned it. Ever. Ah, college.
(Congrats, by the way, for being the most prolific single-day commenter in the history of Manslations!!)
Comment from vic
Time July 8, 2008 at 2:38 pm
No offence but high maintenance women don’t either, as much as I hate the men that don’t I also can’t stand women who think average things to do are for somebody else. Men are not the only guilty ones of thinking things are beneath them.
Comment from Sarah
Time June 10, 2009 at 10:06 am
Jeff– I have tried all your advice and the kitchen is still covered in dirty dishes. Your advice makes a lot of sense, but in my experience it was only a short-term fix. I am at my wit’s end.
Comment from Melissa
Time December 5, 2009 at 8:35 am
I agree with Sarah – my latest attempt has been to make him do his own laundry and at least put the dishes that I wash away. Which translates to, there are always dishes stacked waiting to be put away and piles of unfolded laundry as well as dirty laundry on the floor (but its on his side of the room so i try not to think about it)
Comment from Donald Bautista
Time August 28, 2010 at 12:20 am
Both of you are living together so you must open or tell him what is wrong. Telling the truth is not hurting people matter of fact your telling that you are concern for being his companion.
Comment from Amanda
Time September 23, 2010 at 12:01 pm
you can lead a horse to water but u cant make him drink… lol. i notice good behavior that is rewarded gets you further than anything but i b*tch a lot also… like **** man, grow up yo* maybe i wanna play guitar hero
Comment from CAM
Time January 6, 2011 at 8:58 pm
I get the logic behind your suggestions, but frankly I hate the reality of it…either I let the house be an f-ing disaster, or I play little games with the man-boy? I am certain you are offering good suggestions, but I don’t have the motivation to even bother with the mind trick – I am just pissed! And why shouldn’t I be? No one has to convince ME that I’m Super Woman before I clean up the dump, I just do it for gods sakes!!! GGRRRRRR 
rant over
Comment from Ashley
Time March 14, 2011 at 10:39 pm
@CAM, I know exactly how you feel! Sometimes I wonder if men have to have little mind tricks played on them at work, or if they’re as sloppy there as they are at home. I like this article, especially since Jeff doesn’t tell me to vacuum nude (seriously, that’s the next “best” advice that’s out there, so thanks Jeff). I really fantasize about the Brawny Man putting a boot in my dude’s arse though. That would definitely make cleaning bad-ass… for everyone!
Comment from Kris
Time April 10, 2011 at 11:27 pm
@Ashley, see men have egos that have to be babied. All day at work, they are not their own boss. They are under another man. This is damaging to them. So when they come home, UG and Thor are Kings of their Castle. Sorry UG, you can’t pony up in the Kitchen, you can forget me ponying up in the Bedroom!!
Comment from Sophia
Time April 27, 2011 at 10:48 am
I live with 2 guys my husband and his friend. One cleans when he is ready to which can be weeks at a time. The other which is my husband dose nothing and none of them work. I played the nice person, and the mean person. I’m out of ideas
Comment from Val
Time July 16, 2011 at 9:09 am
My husband says “i didn’t see that mess I made” or “i forgot” or my favorite “where’s the mess…. I don’t see anything” ugh!!!!! Been married 10 yrs & I could seriously lose my mind……
Comment from Jennifer
Time September 9, 2011 at 7:56 am
I figure if my man can’t even be motivated by things he really wants to do, I have no chance. “I can set up my reloading station in the garage, once I clean up the garage” That was stated about 2 years ago. Think the garage has been cleaned yet? Doesn’t mean I am not frustrated as heck, I mean it isn’t like I don’t have a full time job, too…
Comment from loirelei
Time September 17, 2007 at 9:20 pm
Good example of a man’s logic…My son – who is a man – told me many times.. Why should I clean it .. pick it up.. it’ll just get dirty again..Today is his birthday..Happy birthday Max..