Another Fine Google Search: “can men stop cheating”
I did a post a little while back about men and cheating, and it spurred quite a bit of conversation on the subject. One thing we didn’t totally cover is this question (which somebody googled to get to Manslations):
Q: Can men stop cheating?
A: Yes. But the real question is, WILL they?
And the answer to THAT question is, “if he’s doing it now, then probably not soon.”
I don’t know if any of you have seen this on YouTube, but take a look at this short video I recently watched, oh, let’s say a million times:
Hilarious Dog on Water Slide
This is how men relate to sex for much of our young lives. We don’t understand it, we don’t know why, we just know we have to do it again. And again. And again. So, when women wonder why men can’t just say no to sex, seriously, it’s not THAT different from asking that crazy dog, “How come you can’t just stop that, you?”
First of all, that’s a dog. He doesn’t even know English. But even if he could understand the question, his answer would be, “But…s-stop…?…MORE WATER SLIDE!!!”
A man has to learn how to rise above that dog-on-water-slide part of himself before he has a prayer of turning down sex. And some guys just don’t have the maturity. (I know, I know, it’s hard to believe that some men are immature. No, come on. Seriously, it’s true.)
SO, HOW CAN HE STOP?
Cheating is just like an addiction for some men. (And for some women, too. It’s the 21st century, and don’t think I don’t know it, ok? I’ve got a calendar, and I’ll use it as I see fit.) Just like with any drug, it takes time to realize that the FUN directly results in excruciating CRAPPINESS.
At my age, I and a lot of other men certainly can see that connection. (Of course, given my personality, I can connect almost anything with crappiness. It’s a gift. And I’d like to return it for store credit.)
Oh ho ho!! Did ye see what he did there? Yar!
This has been: a pirate.
Back to our regularly scheduled Manslation.
HAVE AN INTERVENTION
If a man cheats on you, but for some reason you still don’t want to give up on him, the only thing you can do is to make sure that he understands that it is not ok with you — so “not ok” in fact, that if he does it again, he’s out of your life for good. He’s got to know how serious it is.
I know what you’re thinking — “But we’re in a committed relationship. What the hell are you talking about??! Does he really not know??” Well, apparently not. (And please don’t shout at ME about it, theoretical thoughts in imaginary women’s heads.)
Then, well…then you’ll find out which is more important. You, or the cheating.
I hope the answer is “you,” but sadly, as anyone who’s ever been to an intervention will tell you, it’s not always going to be that way. At that point, you WALK. If you tell a cheater that you’re gone if he does it again, and he does it again…well, you’re gone. It’s right there in that sentence I just wrote.
Seriously, you do NOT need to be giving a cheater eleven chances. I promise, there are enough dudes out there who aren’t total tools that you don’t need to stay with one who is.
And if you need cheering up in the interim, just watch that dog on the waterslide. I swear, I watch that thing ten times a day. I love that dog.
Ladies of Manslations — any thoughts for our Googler? Anybody seen a cheater rehabilitate himself before their very eyes? How did he do it?
Posted: September 20th, 2007 under Manslation Googles, Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from MissEducation
Time September 20, 2007 at 1:02 pm
Aaaaaggh! I can’t see the dog!!!
I have see a cheating man, however. Not very adorable-dog-like. And nothing I’d want to watch a million times in a row.
I was only cheated on once (that I know of). I am embarrassed to say that I did give him another chance. He never cheated again, but I also never trusted him again. So…that didn’t go well.
Comment from Dating Goddess
Time September 21, 2007 at 12:42 am
I say no second chances to cheaters. As MissEd says, there’s no trusting them afterwards. So this is a zero tolerance zone. If you have had the discussion — and aren’t just assuming — that you’re in an exclusive relationship, he knows what that means. And there is no excuse — NO EXCUSE — for cheating.
Women need to have the self-respect to know this is not a “give him another chance” situation. Then when he cheats again, you’ll feel much, much worse than kicking his contrite behind out the door now.
My 3-cents (you always get more than the norm with the Dating Goddess).
Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40
http://www.DatingGoddess.com
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time September 21, 2007 at 6:41 am
MiniMe: Seriously, me too. Me too.
MissEducation: Hey, no need to be embarassed. We all do stuff that makes no sense later. Seriously, no newspaper would print a headline that went, “Person Gives Bad Partner Another Chance: World Stunned” We all do it.
DatingGoddess: Fair enough, and that’s why I say that sure, he CAN stop cheating — but he probably won’t. Not soon, anyway. If he cheats on you, it says less about him than it does about what he thinks of the state of the relationship. But men CAN stop cheating, and many do. (Just not usually upon request of the cheatee — if he was worth rehabilitating, he probably wouldn’t have cheated in the first place.)
Comment from Brie
Time September 21, 2007 at 2:01 pm
I know so many women who have dealt with cheating boyfriends/husbands by saying “well if it happens ONE MORE TIME…” and that one more time happens but they find themselves saying it over and over again. If you haven’t left the relationship, or drastically “punished” him in a similar way (for example, moving out), you’re still tolerating that behavior. I love when people ask “my boyfriend just cheated on me, how can I trust him again?” because the answer is: you can’t. He just cheated on you. Only an adequate amount of time spent proving that he’s NOT a cheater can legitimately build that trust back. But who wants to go through that?
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time September 21, 2007 at 3:45 pm
Brie: Yes, a “second chance” does often turn into an endless bunch of crazy excuse-making.
I really do believe that it is possible for someone to make a mistake. But really, once is all they get on this one.
As our president said, Fool me twice…we don’t get fooled again.
Comment from Lucy F.
Time September 22, 2007 at 3:50 pm
1. I have cheated. It was bad and wrong. I got broken-up-with for it, too. As well I should have. I think I’ve only been cheated-on once, and my reaction, believe it or not, was RELIEF, because I was ready to get out of the relationship, and it was a hell of a lot easier to say “begone cheater” than “begone, stoner-dude-who-only-ever-wants-to-stay-in-and-watch-zombie-movies
but-who-is-otherwise-ok.”
2. Apropos of nothing really, here is another funny dog video.
I want that dog at :39 to answer my phone.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAKp1b6zH1E
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time September 24, 2007 at 8:29 am
1. I cheated, and was NOT broken up with about it. Never revealed it, and felt horribly guilty forever. It was probably worse than being dumped for it. Stupid, stupid. That was the last time I ever did THAT, I’ll tell you that much. Ugh.
2. Holy crap, those talkin’ dogs were unbelievable.
Comment from Marissa
Time November 8, 2007 at 2:40 pm
I’ve just been betrayed too. We were not officially in a relationship. Him and his brother live together and they had girls over when I unannounced went over to drop him of some mail. He claimed he was just going to go to sleep because he had to go to work the next day. I went back and heard him going at it.He claims he is VERY sorry and that he was just drunk and thought it was over between us since we got into big argument and I caught him partying with other girls.He says he wants to make me his girlfriend he just needs some time. ( he was in a 5 yr relationship). I think we should just be friends and let him have his fun. I want him back and I hate it. I don’t know what to do but I know I probably shouldn’t involve myself with him again
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time November 9, 2007 at 7:30 am
Marissa: Ugh. I’m so sorry that happened. While I’m not totally sure how you were both “not in a relationship” and also betrayed, I think your last sentence is right on the money. In fact, I think the best advice about love is to avoid it if at all possible (not because it’s bad, but because if it’s the right situation, it won’t be possible to avoid.)
Comment from lapakache
Time September 15, 2008 at 7:04 pm
my boyfriend of 2yrs cheated on me and the excuse he gave me was that i listened and praised my dad alot and he felt he had no control over me.Went to a party and met some girls who admired him,when asked whether he had a girl,he lied and a friendship began which later developed into a relationship. I was away at skul and got back,and found that he was mistreating me and was full of guilt. He got me engaged while dating the girl and in the same week he was caught at a party with a friend of mine. We are trying to work things out bt its so hard. Am in so much pain most of the time and we have a child. Am nt sure of the future.
Comment from Laura
Time November 20, 2008 at 12:31 am
I have been with my husband for 11 yrs and have discovered that he has cheated. We are in counseling. But it is or no one has been able to console me. Utimately it is up to me and I can’t trust him. But I love him. I have discovered that it is you and only you that can make the choice to leave.
Comment from Laura
Time November 20, 2008 at 12:39 am
Oh by the way he is living in a trailer outside our home, how long should he stay out there?
Comment from Loushis
Time January 7, 2009 at 5:14 pm
I can totally relate to lapakache. It’s been almost two weeks that I have discovered my boyfriend of almost 7 years has been cheating on me. It first developed as friends and lead to a physical relationship. We have a 5 year old daughter and I did everything to take care of our family. I feel like I am mourning the death of a best friend. He says he was stupid and blind. He said he didn’t realize that he had the best thing in his life right in front of him. He has been friends with this girl for a while, almost two years and just got intimate 5 months ago. He says that he will do anything to have me back and that he would never F*** up again. He said that people can change. I don’t know what to believe. If I did not have my daughter it would be so easy. She thinks the world of him and she has no idea. What tears me apart is that not only did he ruin my life, but he ruined our family. I really feel like I am in a bad dream and can’t wake up. It is the worst pain I have ever experienced. Everyone keeps saying, “it’s your life, your choice.” Some say, forgot him, just take it one day at a time. I’m pretty much lost right now.
Comment from Keyana
Time February 11, 2011 at 4:54 pm
I have been in my relationship for 4 yrs now and we live together. The first yr was great, and then he changed. He started not taking me out as much, maybe once a month and he started spending less time with me. When we did spend time together it was a headache to get him to. I felt neglected and began secretly checking his phone to find out what was really going on. He has been caught up four times already and twice with the same girl. I always call the girl to get scoop and they all say they haven’t slept with him and he says the same. I always forgive him and he promises not to do it again because he wants to be with me and marry me when I’m finished with school. I love him and want to be with him too but this last time made me really not trust him. He actaully left me sitting at home while he claimed he worked late but he was over the girls house and he drove her car back to our home. That was very disrespectful of him. I didn’t think anything of it because his family owns a car lot and I thought it was one of their cars. I don’t know what I should do. He wants to work it out and start going to a relationship couselor and go to church. Should I give it another shot?
Comment from devoted
Time March 21, 2011 at 12:00 pm
16 years together 4 girls all teenagers. I thought like many we would grow old together. Having weathered many storms. Blindsided by the “best friend younger fit woman “EGO thing”. I’m not ugly or fat. Dedicated my whole adult life to this man and our kids. The pain really has been in comparison to having your best friend die but worse! Much worse! We turned our lives back to God and are trying to work thru this. However deep down inside I feel like the lack of trust and love that was ripped from my heart may be impossible to repair. There is no way to know what they think or thought while having the affair. There is no way to know if he doesn’t feel for her still or wonder what about the could of beens or have regrets staying with me. It’s just day by day. One step at a time. I am resolved now though with knowing I can leave this marriage and be happy. At first that was an impossibility to me. How any person could betray the person that has loved them the way I loved him is way beyond me. Never knew I could hurt as bad as I hurt. By no means was it a simple affair. For both parties to be married and both spouses to be friends with the cheaters. There was a lot of lies and manipulations. So can we succeed can we become stronger …. As with so many other things in life…..Time will tell. My heart goes out to all of my brothers and sisters who have been cheated on. Makes it hard to believe there are people still with morals and a conscious. Hopefully my story will have a happy ending. Best of luck!
Comment from Neverme
Time June 5, 2011 at 5:38 pm
My fiancee of two years and the father of my child has an ex girlfriend who keeps coming back into his life. He was very in love with her and spent two years in bed after she left him. Once she found out we were together, she sent him an e-mail talking about how she remembered their time together and she missed him soooo much. He sent her back an e-mail saying he would be happy to be friends with her again and he missed her too.
He deleted her from everything back then. Now, a year and a half later, he created a fake facebook account and re-added her. He waited until I thought things were going well. I woke up at 1am to catch him on the computer with her, calling her stunning, beautiful, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen, and begging to go to her house and visit her, and saying he misses her so much and how when he gets there she should wear something sexy so he can ogle her.
There’s more, but I’m already nauseous. He was sitting in my living room, looking right at me and my daughter who had fallen asleep on the floor, when he did this. We were right in front of him, and he chose her.
It took him four months to set this up.
So can a cheater stop cheating? Nope. And anyone who thinks they will is brain dead. His brother told me everyone deserves a second chance and I said “Look, I know he is trash. Maybe another guy will be trash, maybe not. But he is a PROVEN ENTITY”.
This is for men who cheat, especially married men: MY HUSBAND LOST EVERYTHING.
EVERYTHING.
On the night it happened, I started screaming and crying. I told him I wished he would just die, just effing die because it is better than losing the person I thought I knew. It’s like someone has died and you will never see them again. The man you loved is dead and gone.
And after I found out about her, so did everyone else. And when they found out he was trying to get back with his ex, they all started coming over. The guys wanted to beat the hell out of him. The women wanted to beat the hell out of him. Everyone called him a piece of crap.
He will never see his children again. He will never see his wife again. And most of his family will not speak to him.
Fun water slide? I don’t think so. The bald no-excuses, no bullshit truth, is that you’re trading in someone you love and care about as a human being for someone superficial with a differently shaped flap of skin between her legs.
There are two usual reasons men cheat:
1. They feel inferior to you, and need a woman who will boost their ego. This generally leads to the question: “How could he have cheated on me with that ugly girl/stoner/jobless loser” “I’m not even ugly or fat” etc.
2. They had no feelings for you in the first place.
Sometimes men date, and even marry, women who they don’t really like, due to social pressure. Mom likes her, she’s a nice girl. Dad likes her. Our dogs like eachother. This is known as the “girl in the background” cheater (like my ex). He has always had a thing for bondage chicks, but his wife is an avid churchgoer. He loved his ex girlfriend, but his parent’s couldn’t stand her.
Oh, and one other reason men cheat: lack of variety. I knew a guy who cheated because his girlfriend wouldn’t poo on his chest. Another one who cheated because his girlfriend was against gagging him in a corner and beating him.
Generally though, cheaters are men who hide things rather than being honest and bringing them out in the open.
A non-cheater who felt the same way about the waterslide might say:
“Hey, I’m not in the mood for a committed relationship right now. How about we just have sex?”
A man who gets into a committed relationship knowing he is a hider, a liar, and a cheater, is only doing it to hurt someone.
Comment from MiniMe
Time September 20, 2007 at 12:37 pm
Forget cheating men. I just want that dog. Badly.