Another Fine Google Search: “can men stop cheating”
I did a post a little while back about men and cheating, and it spurred quite a bit of conversation on the subject. One thing we didn’t totally cover is this question (which somebody googled to get to Manslations):
Q: Can men stop cheating?
A: Yes. But the real question is, WILL they?
And the answer to THAT question is, “if he’s doing it now, then probably not soon.”
I don’t know if any of you have seen this on YouTube, but take a look at this short video I recently watched, oh, let’s say a million times:
Hilarious Dog on Water Slide
This is how men relate to sex for much of our young lives. We don’t understand it, we don’t know why, we just know we have to do it again. And again. And again. So, when women wonder why men can’t just say no to sex, seriously, it’s not THAT different from asking that crazy dog, “How come you can’t just stop that, you?”
First of all, that’s a dog. He doesn’t even know English. But even if he could understand the question, his answer would be, “But…s-stop…?…MORE WATER SLIDE!!!”
A man has to learn how to rise above that dog-on-water-slide part of himself before he has a prayer of turning down sex. And some guys just don’t have the maturity. (I know, I know, it’s hard to believe that some men are immature. No, come on. Seriously, it’s true.)
SO, HOW CAN HE STOP?
Cheating is just like an addiction for some men. (And for some women, too. It’s the 21st century, and don’t think I don’t know it, ok? I’ve got a calendar, and I’ll use it as I see fit.) Just like with any drug, it takes time to realize that the FUN directly results in excruciating CRAPPINESS.
At my age, I and a lot of other men certainly can see that connection. (Of course, given my personality, I can connect almost anything with crappiness. It’s a gift. And I’d like to return it for store credit.)
Oh ho ho!! Did ye see what he did there? Yar!
This has been: a pirate.
Back to our regularly scheduled Manslation.
HAVE AN INTERVENTION
If a man cheats on you, but for some reason you still don’t want to give up on him, the only thing you can do is to make sure that he understands that it is not ok with you — so “not ok” in fact, that if he does it again, he’s out of your life for good. He’s got to know how serious it is.
I know what you’re thinking — “But we’re in a committed relationship. What the hell are you talking about??! Does he really not know??” Well, apparently not. (And please don’t shout at ME about it, theoretical thoughts in imaginary women’s heads.)
Then, well…then you’ll find out which is more important. You, or the cheating.
I hope the answer is “you,” but sadly, as anyone who’s ever been to an intervention will tell you, it’s not always going to be that way. At that point, you WALK. If you tell a cheater that you’re gone if he does it again, and he does it again…well, you’re gone. It’s right there in that sentence I just wrote.
Seriously, you do NOT need to be giving a cheater eleven chances. I promise, there are enough dudes out there who aren’t total tools that you don’t need to stay with one who is.
And if you need cheering up in the interim, just watch that dog on the waterslide. I swear, I watch that thing ten times a day. I love that dog.
Ladies of Manslations — any thoughts for our Googler? Anybody seen a cheater rehabilitate himself before their very eyes? How did he do it?
Posted: September 20th, 2007 under Manslation Googles, Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from MissEducation
Time September 20, 2007 at 1:02 pm
Aaaaaggh! I can’t see the dog!!!
I have see a cheating man, however. Not very adorable-dog-like. And nothing I’d want to watch a million times in a row.
I was only cheated on once (that I know of). I am embarrassed to say that I did give him another chance. He never cheated again, but I also never trusted him again. So…that didn’t go well.
Comment from Dating Goddess
Time September 21, 2007 at 12:42 am
I say no second chances to cheaters. As MissEd says, there’s no trusting them afterwards. So this is a zero tolerance zone. If you have had the discussion — and aren’t just assuming — that you’re in an exclusive relationship, he knows what that means. And there is no excuse — NO EXCUSE — for cheating.
Women need to have the self-respect to know this is not a “give him another chance” situation. Then when he cheats again, you’ll feel much, much worse than kicking his contrite behind out the door now.
My 3-cents (you always get more than the norm with the Dating Goddess).
Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40
http://www.DatingGoddess.com
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time September 21, 2007 at 6:41 am
MiniMe: Seriously, me too. Me too.
MissEducation: Hey, no need to be embarassed. We all do stuff that makes no sense later. Seriously, no newspaper would print a headline that went, “Person Gives Bad Partner Another Chance: World Stunned” We all do it.
DatingGoddess: Fair enough, and that’s why I say that sure, he CAN stop cheating — but he probably won’t. Not soon, anyway. If he cheats on you, it says less about him than it does about what he thinks of the state of the relationship. But men CAN stop cheating, and many do. (Just not usually upon request of the cheatee — if he was worth rehabilitating, he probably wouldn’t have cheated in the first place.)
Comment from Brie
Time September 21, 2007 at 2:01 pm
I know so many women who have dealt with cheating boyfriends/husbands by saying “well if it happens ONE MORE TIME…” and that one more time happens but they find themselves saying it over and over again. If you haven’t left the relationship, or drastically “punished” him in a similar way (for example, moving out), you’re still tolerating that behavior. I love when people ask “my boyfriend just cheated on me, how can I trust him again?” because the answer is: you can’t. He just cheated on you. Only an adequate amount of time spent proving that he’s NOT a cheater can legitimately build that trust back. But who wants to go through that?
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time September 21, 2007 at 3:45 pm
Brie: Yes, a “second chance” does often turn into an endless bunch of crazy excuse-making.
I really do believe that it is possible for someone to make a mistake. But really, once is all they get on this one.
As our president said, Fool me twice…we don’t get fooled again.
Comment from Lucy F.
Time September 22, 2007 at 3:50 pm
1. I have cheated. It was bad and wrong. I got broken-up-with for it, too. As well I should have. I think I’ve only been cheated-on once, and my reaction, believe it or not, was RELIEF, because I was ready to get out of the relationship, and it was a hell of a lot easier to say “begone cheater” than “begone, stoner-dude-who-only-ever-wants-to-stay-in-and-watch-zombie-movies
but-who-is-otherwise-ok.”
2. Apropos of nothing really, here is another funny dog video.
I want that dog at :39 to answer my phone.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAKp1b6zH1E
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time September 24, 2007 at 8:29 am
1. I cheated, and was NOT broken up with about it. Never revealed it, and felt horribly guilty forever. It was probably worse than being dumped for it. Stupid, stupid. That was the last time I ever did THAT, I’ll tell you that much. Ugh.
2. Holy crap, those talkin’ dogs were unbelievable.
Comment from Marissa
Time November 8, 2007 at 2:40 pm
I’ve just been betrayed too. We were not officially in a relationship. Him and his brother live together and they had girls over when I unannounced went over to drop him of some mail. He claimed he was just going to go to sleep because he had to go to work the next day. I went back and heard him going at it.He claims he is VERY sorry and that he was just drunk and thought it was over between us since we got into big argument and I caught him partying with other girls.He says he wants to make me his girlfriend he just needs some time. ( he was in a 5 yr relationship). I think we should just be friends and let him have his fun. I want him back and I hate it. I don’t know what to do but I know I probably shouldn’t involve myself with him again
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time November 9, 2007 at 7:30 am
Marissa: Ugh. I’m so sorry that happened. While I’m not totally sure how you were both “not in a relationship” and also betrayed, I think your last sentence is right on the money. In fact, I think the best advice about love is to avoid it if at all possible (not because it’s bad, but because if it’s the right situation, it won’t be possible to avoid.)
Comment from lapakache
Time September 15, 2008 at 7:04 pm
my boyfriend of 2yrs cheated on me and the excuse he gave me was that i listened and praised my dad alot and he felt he had no control over me.Went to a party and met some girls who admired him,when asked whether he had a girl,he lied and a friendship began which later developed into a relationship. I was away at skul and got back,and found that he was mistreating me and was full of guilt. He got me engaged while dating the girl and in the same week he was caught at a party with a friend of mine. We are trying to work things out bt its so hard. Am in so much pain most of the time and we have a child. Am nt sure of the future.
Comment from Laura
Time November 20, 2008 at 12:31 am
I have been with my husband for 11 yrs and have discovered that he has cheated. We are in counseling. But it is or no one has been able to console me. Utimately it is up to me and I can’t trust him. But I love him. I have discovered that it is you and only you that can make the choice to leave.
Comment from Laura
Time November 20, 2008 at 12:39 am
Oh by the way he is living in a trailer outside our home, how long should he stay out there?
Comment from Loushis
Time January 7, 2009 at 5:14 pm
I can totally relate to lapakache. It’s been almost two weeks that I have discovered my boyfriend of almost 7 years has been cheating on me. It first developed as friends and lead to a physical relationship. We have a 5 year old daughter and I did everything to take care of our family. I feel like I am mourning the death of a best friend. He says he was stupid and blind. He said he didn’t realize that he had the best thing in his life right in front of him. He has been friends with this girl for a while, almost two years and just got intimate 5 months ago. He says that he will do anything to have me back and that he would never F*** up again. He said that people can change. I don’t know what to believe. If I did not have my daughter it would be so easy. She thinks the world of him and she has no idea. What tears me apart is that not only did he ruin my life, but he ruined our family. I really feel like I am in a bad dream and can’t wake up. It is the worst pain I have ever experienced. Everyone keeps saying, “it’s your life, your choice.” Some say, forgot him, just take it one day at a time. I’m pretty much lost right now.
Comment from MiniMe
Time September 20, 2007 at 12:37 pm
Forget cheating men. I just want that dog. Badly.