manslations

People, Friday has come, and not a second too soon. I need to sleep. But before I do, how’s about some Manslations News Roundup action? Yes? Let’s do it.

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BRAD & ANGELINA AND THE BIG BED THEORY

Brad Pitt, in support of his latest movie in which he plays…I don’t know, somebody really hot whose life shames all men everywhere? Something like that. Anyway, he said that he and Angie are planning at least NINE kids. He also said that they had a bed built 9 feet wide to accommodate the existing Clan du Brangeline. All at once, snug as 6 little bugs in a rug. 6 rich, gorgeous, privileged, incredibly famous bugs. In a solid gold rug.

Look, is he just trying to get Jennifer Aniston to become an alcoholic in one day or what’s the goal here?

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GERMAN LAWMAKER WANTS MARRIAGE TO LAST ONLY 7 YEARS

Marriage should only be binding in 7 year increments, says German politician, Gabrielle Pauli, pictured above. No, seriously. That’s her. And yes, those are latex gloves. Please, please god — please don’t let this become a trend that comes to American politicians…

Ah, those Germans. Loyal readers might remember a couple of stories I’ve done here about our German pals. What the hell is going on over there, anyway?

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JAPANESE NON-PROFIT EDUCATES MEN ABOUT PARENTING WHILE THEY ARE POOPING

Ok. I misread the article header. It reads:

Daddy exam quizzes Japan’s men on potties, parenting

I thought that meant that it quizzed them WHILE on potties. Uh. About parenting. I guess.

I haven’t been sleeping well.

But you know, now that I think about it, why the hell NOT quiz men about stuff when they’re on the crapper? What else is there to do? Men need help. Badly. And in many areas. I say they come up with a non-profit that works on that. I’d do it myself, but I keep getting tripped up by that word “NON-profit.” (Hey, in many ways my life is already considered “non-profit”.)

Let’s just move on, shall we?

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BURGLAR GETS DISTRACTED, DESIGNS HIS OWN SEX TOY

Gosh, I love a good “moron burglar pays the price for his moronity” story. But this one? This one will hold me for a while. It seems that our Australian burgling friend, during the course of a burglary of his neighbor’s home, decided to “play sex games” involving a vacuum cleaner, latex gloves, and a sex toy he apparently MADE out of a bottle of toilet detergent and a piece of wood.

Now, aside from the fact that this might be the purest example yet of just how sex-obsessed the male mind really is, I’d just like to offer my thoughts to our friend:

1. Congratulations. Sure, you’re a moron, but you know what? You made moronic activity your own. You put YOUR stamp on it. That’s nice.
2. Please, please don’t EVER tell anyone what kind of a sex toy you built out of a toilet detergent bottle and a piece of wood. I can’t take it.
3. Seriously, go back and memorize number two. I can’t handle it.

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That covers it, people. That’s this week at Manslations. I’ll see you all back here on Monday. I’m going to do a bunch of great reader requests (keep ‘em coming, people — your attention is the crack I was never cool enough to abuse.) See you next week!