manslations

Welcome back to another week at Manslations.com. Today, I’m tackling another reader request. We’ve got a young lady named Karina (second Karina this month, for those of you who keep track of such statistics. Anyone? No?) who is confused by her male compatriots.

(Manslator’s Note: She didn’t use the word “compatriots.” I’m beginning to think I shouldn’t have either. She’s not in the rebel army, right?)

Anyway, Karina writes:

Help. I am 16 years old, and all my friends date a lot. I dont really date much.
I am fairly good-looking, meaning I can date as much as my friends. but I am picky.

I started talking to a guy on myspace. He found me through mutual friends spaces. He just moved to jersey from NY just like I did last year. Thats why he contacted me. He said he heard I was a good girl and wanted to meet me. We went out for dinner and had a good time. He asked me for a kiss so I kissed him. He said he would call me the next day, and he did.. right on time. He picked me up that night and we went to his house to watch movies. We cuddled and kissed, nothing else. He was respectful. I met his Aunt and Uncle and they seemed to like me. He dropped me off, and asked me if he could call me the next day. I said yes. He never called. 2 days later, he IMed me on AIM. He asked how my day was, told me about his and then said brb. He never came back. I havent talked to him since. The last time I saw him he gave me his favorite sweater because it was cold; and I still have it.

Today I went on his myspace and saw him talking to a bunch of girls.
I am pretty sure I will see him again since I do have his sweater.

My problem is this isnt the first time a guy didnt call me after things seemed to be going good.

To me, this guy made it seem like we would start dating.

The last guy I liked, did the same thing. We met, went out on little dates etc., and things seemed to be going great. In both cases there was good conversation, chemistry, everything seemed fine. They both told me they would call me the next day, and never did.
Its almost like waking up and not knowing who that person is.

I dont understand why this keeps happening. They just wake up and never call me again. I feel as if maybe they lost interest, but at the same time the last times I spoke to both of them, things seemed GREAT.

I tried different approaches. Not calling, calling after 2 weeks, etc. Its weird because now it seems like they treat me like I was just a hookup, but at the time it seemed that they were very into me.

This all happened recently, I never really had this problem before.

(Manslator’s Note: Reading this request made me feel like I was about, oh, a hundred years old or so.)

Dear Karina,

First of all, I’d like to begin by apologizing to you in advance on behalf of the male gender for all the crap that’s in store for you. At sixteen, well, obviously you’ve got most of the nonsense ahead of you. The fact that you’re asking these questions NOW is a good sign. But sadly, there’s going to be an awful lot of what you describe for a while yet.

So, to your question. Why is a guy treating you like a hookup when at the time it seemed like he was into you? There are 2 parts of this that will tell you a lot.

“…AT THE TIME…” and “…SEEMED…”

So, at the time, this guy was respectful, paying attention, affectionate, etc., right? But then, when you weren’t with him, he suddenly seemed to lose interest?

Karina, seriously, tons of women (of all ages) find this exact thing to be the #1 most confusing thing about men. “He liked me, and then he suddenly stopped — wha happa?” Ok, here’s a harsh truth that, if you learn it now, is going to put you WAY ahead of the game:

HARSH TRUTH THAT ALL WOMEN, IF THEY LEARN IT, IS GOING TO PUT THEM WAY AHEAD OF THE GAME (even if they’re not 16):

(Probably could have gone with a more elegant title for this section. Meh, what’s done is done.)

If a guy pays you a lot of attention once or twice, and then stops, he didn’t “lose interest.” He never had it. You didn’t do anything to blow it. You didn’t “drive him away.” He most definitely didn’t get “scared by his feelings.” These things never happen. Ever. I promise. He pretended to be interested because he sensed it’s what you wanted him to do, usually with “hooking up” in mind.

At this age, men are thinking about sex and women slightly more than 100% of the time. That sounds like an exaggeration. It is NOT. However much you THINK he’s thinking about it, it’s way more than that. Even the really nice guys. And when he’s around a woman who is either a.) attractive, b.) willing, or (god help him) c.) both, he’s going to be trying to get somewhere with her. And he’s going to be trying to overcome whatever obstacles might be in his way.

Welcome to male “mixed signals.” (And I apologize.)

See, if he senses that you don’t want to be just a hookup, his brain tells him, “Right — the challenge is that she won’t make out with me if she thinks this is just a hookup. Solution: Must pretend not to be a hookup.” It seems so reasonable to the male brain, we often don’t even know we’re doing it. And so, during the time when you’re together, suddenly, he’s trying to be whatever he thinks you want him to be in order to make out with him. And if he’s good at this, you might not be able to tell the difference. At least not right away.

Now, it sounds like I’m saying that all guys are liars who are just trying to get into your pants. And…well…I’m not exactly saying that. But…well, ok, I’m probably kind of saying that. But what I’m ALSO saying is, they’re NOT going to tell you what they’re after. Seriously, they might not know themselves. (We’re pretty dumb about this. And many other things.) You’re going to have to learn to figure out how to tell who’s after what. And if you start to learn how, you’re going to know more than HE knows about him.

HOW CAN YOU TELL THE DIFFERENCE?

Well, this is the real trick, isn’t it? To know — among the dudes who are paying attention to you — who wants to date you and who just wants to hook up? Tough to tell, because, as I say, BOTH groups definitely want to hook up. Badly. Pretty much all day long. (Again, sorry, sorry.) The question is, who wants to stick around after the hooking?

Just remember, if there is ever a difference between what he says vs. what he does, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, FORGET WHAT HE SAYS, AND LOOK AT WHAT HE DOES. 

As in, how much time does he want to spend with you? A guy who is ONLY trying to hook up (at any age) is always trying to minimize the amount of non-hookup time he spends with you. Just hanging out, talking, being with you — he’ll do some of that if he thinks that’s what it will take, but he’s aiming for as LITTLE of that as he can get away with.

If a guy really likes you, he wants to spend MORE time with you.

When you first meet him, you won’t always be able to tell. But after a very short while, you’ll see who genuinely wants to spend time with you, and who’s just looking to make out and run.

Again, I apologize for all the crap that men are going to put you through. I promise — there are good guys out there who will be straightforward with you. There are guys who are respectful and genuinely want to be with you because of YOU and not just as a hook up. And it’s just going to take a little time and effort for you to learn how to sift through the a-holes to find the good ones.

Ladies, any words of experience out there for Karina in her time of need?