The Case of the Disappearing Romantic: A Reader Request
A reader named Caroline has what seems to be a very common request for me to manslate: Wha Happa? He was there, he treated me like gold, and then he was gone. Since Caroline has promised in no uncertain terms to “worship” me in exchange for a Manslation, here we go. (Seriously, I’ve always thought I needed more worshippers.)
Caroline writes:
Hi
I am quite perplexed by this behavior. I have seen it more than once during my long career as a single woman. I met a guy a few months back and he seemed like he was really into me. He would send me beautiful emails, a few hand-written love notes, a bouquet at work…when we were together it seemed like he worshipped me. He treated me like a queen, seriously, I felt like royalty. Then, poof…he disappears. I try to think of what I might have said that could have possibly freaked mister I thought was right and I haven’t done anything except be fun, nice , smart and attractive!
I have met all kinds of guys in my life so I don’t want to say that I am attracting the same type of guy (well, actually, I might since I keep on attracting Mister Wrong and am considering giving up on finding Mister Right, or Mister Ok, or even Mister Has a pulse). However, I have met some guys that seem to worship me and then…poof!
Please please please Manslate. I beg you. I will worship you if you do…and promise I will not go poof!
Caroline somewhere in North America
Hey Caroline,
First of all, I’d like to warn you against giving up on finding Mister Has a Pulse. On this very site, we’ve seen where that can lead.
That said, don’t worry. You’re not alone in this confusion. This seems to be the big manslation, no? “He was being so unbelievably nice to me…where the hell did he GO?” Well, I’m here to help. The good news is that you didn’t do anything to lose his interest. The bad news is, he never had any.
I know, that seems weird, given all the attention he was pouring on you, right? Surely you must have done something that spooked him to change his mind, no? No. Men are not small woodland creatures. We don’t get “freaked out when it gets too intense.” We just don’t work that way. That’s what we let you believe when we want out. Sorry.
But your situation, Caroline, is a little more specific. There are a couple varieties of the kind of “now he’s worshipping, now he’s gone” guy. Who are they?
- THE PLAYER — He’s looking to get you in bed, and nothing else, but he believes he needs to play the romantic “game” to get you there.
- THE SCOREKEEPER — He’s looking for a “win” in the form of SOME kind of an effect on you (i.e. you falling for him.) and doesn’t care what he has to do to get it.
- THE “ROMANTIC” — He’s looking for drama. He likes the rush of being in a situations that’s wild and thrilling, and especially seeing YOU caught up in it too. But only for a short time.
Now, with each of these guys, the basic situation is the same. It’s about the thrill of the chase. And what he’s chasing — just so you know — is NOT sex. Well, it’s not primarily sex. It reminds me of one of my favorite moments in “Silence of the Lambs.”
Hannibal Lecter: What does he DO?
Clarice: He…he kills women…
Hannibal Lecter: No. That is incidental…
The sex isn’t what these men are really after. They might even think it is, but really, it’s incidental. Sex is just a way to tell that they got what they were really after:
SURRENDER
Actually, all men love that. Even good guys. But for some men, this is ALL they want. This is the whole “game.” And so, as you saw in YOUR situation, when the “game” was no longer interesting to him, he was no longer interested. See how that works?
So, from what I can see, it’s probably not The Player. Too much effort that isn’t directly related to a bedroom. Could be The Scorekeeper, but the wooing was so personal (flowers, lovenotes) for that kind of guy. I’m going to go with The Romantic.
This guy genuinely believes that he has fallen madly in love with you. He likes the thrill of being in an over-the-top, out of control, whirlwind of passion. He doesn’t think he’s fickle, he just thinks he “falls in love easily.” And when he sees that he’s got you fully caught up in it, the game is won, and he’s done.
And that’s when we get to your “poof.”
WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT?
Well, for one thing, you can’t “convert” one of these guys into something else. No, seriously, stop thinking that. I realize th– HEY, stop thinking that, ladies. I know a lot of you want to believe you can convince him to stick around, but you really can not. No one ever does. And do you even WANT to? Just like you can’t scare him off, you can’t scare him…on? Whatever the opposite is, well, the point is you can’t do it.
Think of seeing a really cute wild bear. No matter how adorable it would look in your house, eating little treats out of your hand, I promise, it will end up chewing your furniture, peeing on your carpets, mauling you, giving you rabies, and eventually escaping with all your pick-a-nick baskets.
(Manslator’s Note: I know I JUST told you that men are NOT a small woodland creature. But a bear is a big woodland creature, ok? Totally different metaphor.)
There are a couple of things you can do to deal with The Romantic:
- Have a good time: Hey, if this guy wants to treat you like a queen, enjoy being treated like a queen. What’s wrong with taking advantage of THAT for a while?
- Don’t be “convinced”: It’s hard not to get caught up in the drama, but if you’re not, you’re not. If it just seems like he’s pushing the “romance” factor too far for it to be true, you’re probably right. It probably is NOT true.
- Can he just chill out? A romantic will have a hard time just having a calm, chilled out, relaxed time with you. He needs to be on the high-wire. If he simply can not be in NON-EMERGENCY situations, that’s a Romantic.
Good luck Caroline. And now that you are one of my worshippers, please, no human sacrifices. Ok, a couple of human sacrifices.
-Jeff Mac
What say you, ladies of Manslations? Anybody dealt with The Romantic before? Any advice for our pal Caroline?
Posted: September 26th, 2007 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from LA Lady
Time September 26, 2007 at 9:03 am
That will show him Miss Education… I guess two can play the game once we are clued in. Thanks for a VERY informative post Jeff. I think the opposite of “scared off” is “tamed to stay” at least in this metaphor. I think the lesson of the week here at Manslations is …. drum roll please….. If the guy is really in to you and wants to pursue a realtionship he will! End of lesson. Did I get the gist of the point Jeff?
Comment from Rizzo
Time September 26, 2007 at 9:24 am
I’ve never fallen for this. Never. Nope. Not even, um, 3 times in the last 2 years.
Aw, poop.
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time September 26, 2007 at 11:21 am
MsEd: Just make sure you leave room for dessert. And appetizers. Lots of appetizers.
LA Lady: Yeah, it’s funny — I didn’t intend for that to be the “lesson of the week” but it seems to have turned out that way, doesn’t it?
Rizzo: I know. Who would ever end up in a relationship with someone who wasn’t being 100% honest? Only ridiculous, foolish people, right?
Comment from Shelby
Time September 26, 2007 at 4:52 pm
This is so accurate, it’s scary. Especially regarding Mr. Romantic…
Comment from Tia
Time October 2, 2007 at 5:12 pm
After reading this article I think the last guy that broke my heart was also a “romantic”. I eliminated the others because although we fooled around quite a bit, we never went ‘all the way”, and not because I didn’t want to. He kept showing up at my work, gave me presents, seemed like he wanted to spend time with me, wanted me to come home with him, well, at first. When he was breaking up with me he told me, at my urgings of why? why? that, “Sometimes you think you like someone and then you don’t.” Now that I see it in print it seems very strange, especially coming from a 30 year old man.
So, is that the truth? Or do you think that he never really liked me? I have finally come to the realization that he just wasn’t that into me, but I still think about him and wish that things would have turned out differently. I’m far too embarrassed to tell you how long ago it was when I saw him last, but it has been quite a long time.
When thinking with my rational mind, I do know that we would have never worked out, and as much as I think I fell in love with him, he wasn’t the right guy for me. I also try to convince myself that he would have never been the right guy, even if he had been that into me.
What do you think?
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time October 2, 2007 at 6:26 pm
Hey Tia,
I think you might be right on the money that this was another case of The Romantic. And I definitely think you’re right — this was not the right guy. The right guy likes you, and then KEEPS liking you.
It’s not that he liked you and then didn’t. It’s more like he has no idea what being interested in someone means. Think of him as an addict, and female attention is the drug. Seriously, crappy as it is, it’s the best thing in the world that he’s gone.
-Jeff Mac
Pingback from Manslations Googles: Another Fine Lightning Round « Manslations
Time October 4, 2007 at 6:35 am
[...] linked you to THIS page (the man who goes “poof”), or maybe THIS one (should you call/email after a [...]
Comment from miraladiva
Time October 4, 2007 at 7:00 am
Huh, I still don’t get it. You mean trying to nurture what seemed to be a great connection, isn’t worth the time and frustration? I wish I would have known this a week ago. And that’s exactly how I felt, like he stopped liking me for no other reason than we lived a 9 hour drive apart. When the work he was doing in my city ended after 3 weeks and it was time to return home, there was not even the mention of continuing as a long distance thing. Ihe even said he will remember his time with me as the best 3 weeks of his life. How’s that for finality? He’s called, but it’s definitely not the same. Should I not take the calls, should I call him on the difference that the distance has seemed to make?
The whole sad part about this is my mother set me up with him. He was her AT&T repair guy.
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time October 4, 2007 at 2:06 pm
Miraladiva: It’s hard to say for sure, but it sounds like he was looking for a fun, romantic fling while he was in town, but was never looking for something long distance.
This might not be “The Romantic.” It could be a guy who was looking for an adventure while he was on the road. That doesn’t mean he didn’t like you, of course. But it sounds like he was never gunning for a long-term thing.
Pingback from Manslations Reader Request: He’s In, He’s Out, and Rose is Confused! « Manslations
Time October 15, 2007 at 6:24 am
[...] to turning into a genuine DATE, he bailed. Normally, I’d suggest that he might have been The Romantic, but that doesn’t necessarily fit in with the “hasn’t been out in years” [...]
Pingback from The Case of the Recovering (but sadly not yet “Recovered”) Romantic « Manslations
Time November 20, 2007 at 7:22 am
[...] a “Romantic” but he’s not wild about being one. As I described in more detail in this post, The Romantic is the guy who gets off on the drama of a new relationship, and specifically how [...]
Comment from Theatregal
Time November 20, 2007 at 9:43 pm
OMG! I love this. Obviously too many times to count. Arrrgggg! The Romantic, my “Juggler”.
A great book on this particular subject, if you ever feel vengeful is “The Art of Seduction”, by Robert Greene. He has about 10 different names for both male and female deducers and how you pick it up early and play the game right back. Not that I probably ever could do it…..but it sure made me feel better knowing I had the handbook for payback. : )
He has “The Siren”, “The Rake”( seems to be my personal favorite, since he’s who I usually attract), “The Ideal Lover”, ( probably my second favorite……come to think of it…..they’re pretty equal ), “The Dandy”, “The Natural”, “The Coquette”, “The Charmer”, ” The Charismatic”, “The Star”, and “The Anti-Seducer”. Then he goes into the personality of each one’s victims. Then how to be the seducer instead of the one with the broken heart.
Comment from Theatregal
Time November 20, 2007 at 9:55 pm
I meant Seducer, not deducer….duh!
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time November 21, 2007 at 9:44 am
Theatregal: Hey, you’ve got to watch out for the deducers as well…
Pingback from manslations » Do Men Actually Love?
Time November 24, 2008 at 6:34 am
[...] find too many experienced Players using the L word to get into your pants. I bet more than a few Romantics, however. Hell, some of those guys don’t even KNOW when they’re not in [...]
Comment from MissEducation
Time September 26, 2007 at 8:19 am
Oh my god. I know that guy. “The Romantic,” huh? Ok. Next time I’m ordering a lobster the size of a car.