What You’re Googling: “HOW LONG SHOULD A WOMAN MAKE A MAN WAIT”
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I get this one quite a bit — and this search term probably brings you to my post about making first contact after a date or this one about the man who never calls. But I think this googler is asking about when to have sex. And as a native Connecticutian (pronounced kuh-neh-tuh-KYOO-shun) — albeit an escaped one — I haven’t really addressed this topic. Well, all that ends right now. I’m going to address it. Here goes — the addresser is cocked, locked, and ready to rock. Here we go:
Q: HOW LONG SHOULD A WOMAN MAKE A MAN WAIT?
A: Until she wants to have sex with him. Seriously.
I think that there’s a sense out there that if a woman has sex with a man too soon, he’ll bolt as a result. This is not true at all. Lots of women have had some variation of this experience:
- Girl meets Boy
- Boy shows interest
- Girl sleeps with Boy
- Boy disappears forever
The logical conclusion is that something went wrong, somewhere between steps 3 and 4. And it would be completely correct if it wasn’t absolutely NOT correct.
The REAL place where something went wrong was in a mis-manslation of step 2. He wasn’t showing interest, as in, “I am interested in dating you.” He was trying to get you into bed. And he succeeded (see, right there in step three.) And then, well, he had no REASON to call you, right?
No man has ever stopped calling BECAUSE you had sex with him. It might have happened right after the sex, but he stopped calling because he had gotten all that he was after in the first place.
SEE FOR YOURSELF
Ok, which one of these seems more likely?
- Girl meets Boy
- Boy genuinely wants to date Girl
- Girl sleeps with Boy “too early”
- Boy thinks that Girl slept with him too early, and…uh…he’s from Dickensian London, where such things are shameful? I don’t know.
OR
- Girl meets Boy
- Boy feigns interest to get Girl into bed
- Girl sleeps with Boy
- Boy goes on with life, has sandwich
I know, I know. It’s a tough call. And by the way, before you even start thinking it….
SOMETHING THAT NEVER HAPPENS. EVER. SERIOUSLY.
- Girl meets Boy
- Boy is only interested in sleeping with Girl
- Girl does something magical (refuses sex, acts a certain way, etc.)
- Boy now wants to date her
Either he wants to DO you, or he wants to DATE you (well…AND do you — that’s always going to be in there somewhere.) That’s it. Those are the only 2 things we’ve got.
THE “SLUT ALARM” or WHY WAITING DOESN’T HELP
A womanizer friend of mine coined this term, and I’ve seen evidence of it in plenty of women. A woman wants to have sex with a man, but she feels that she must put up enough resistance so she can say, “Sure, we had sex pretty early, but hey, I didn’t just flop over backwards. I’m not a slut!” In my player pal’s parlance (see how I wrote all those “p” words just then? Sorry about that.) she is trying not to trip the “slut alarm.”
The trouble with this behavior is that the players know all about it. As my womanizer friend once said, “The key is to know when a woman wants to have sex with you, and then just know that it’s about getting through the fake resistance she puts out there.” He knows that any “shyness” about it is just her trying not to set off her slut alarm. And he also knows that all he he has to do is to say whatever is necessary to convince her that, no, if she has sex with him, that doesn’t make her a slut.
THE BOTTOM LINE
If he wants to date you, having sex isn’t going to make him like you less. And if he only wants sex, NOT having sex won’t make him like you more. There might have been a time when men felt that a woman who had sex too early was no good. It was a time when gentlemen wore hats, and a lady never…hell, I don’t know when it was. The point is, I’m pretty sure it’s not NOW.
What do you think, ladies of Manslations? How long do YOU make a man wait? (This is the part where you tell me stuff.)
Posted: September 27th, 2007 under Manslation Googles.
Comments
Comment from WillaT
Time September 27, 2007 at 1:50 pm
Ok, so if a guy doesn’t call after sex, I can stop worrying that I’m not good at it? Because I think I’m pretty good at ti. It will be a relief to know that it’s ME he dislikes, and not my sweet ass.
Oh, and Dear Abby freaks me out. I think she’s got the crazy eyes.
Comment from Ronnie
Time September 27, 2007 at 2:09 pm
You know I really like your take on this subject. Havng sex with men too fsst doesn’t send them away - it just separates the serious suitors from the manwhores
On the girl side of things though, the male sluts can be a bummer. That’s what I think the waiting is for. Observing him long enough to see if he’s consistent, truly intereted or just looking for a quick lay.
Somehow the “notch guys” as I call them (always looking to put another notch on that proverbial bed post) seem to lose interest faster and disappear. Not always true of course. Some guys just love a chase no matter how long it takes.
But your point is an excellent one for women to keep in mind - THANK YOU! It’s nothing we women do wrong- just a different agenda for the man that we can’t seem to figure out upfront.
Comment from Beta Mom
Time September 27, 2007 at 2:27 pm
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha …Jeff said “cocked.
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time September 27, 2007 at 6:26 pm
Terry: Awesome comment, thanks! Yeah, I hear that kind of thing all the time. All I can think is…”Ok, so you hold off having sex for, say, a month. And then what? THEN you lose the mystery and the chase? Does he just not like that stuff anymore?” Weird advice.
WillaT: I’m sure the sweet ass is not the problem. And my problem with the Dear Abs is the crazy smile.
Ronnie: That’s exactly right, I think. If a guy only wants to sleep with you, he’s not going to stick around for very long unless he does. And IF he does, then he’s definitely gone.
Beta Mom: You shut your dirty mouth, you! (And thank god your blog is back up and running. I was dying for some Beta Mom hilarity action over here.)
Pingback from Reader Request: How Many Dates Before Sex? « Manslations
Time November 7, 2007 at 7:38 am
[...] about this once before, in response to a Google search about this very thing (read the other post here.) At the end of that post, my blogger pal, Terry referred to a Dear Abby article in her comment. [...]
Comment from thaiyellow
Time July 27, 2008 at 10:12 am
taking the time to get to know a guy is my filter. i’m trying it for the next 25 years or so.
so many guys just do not seem interested/want to spend time getting to know a woman. at least this woman. so, ok.
the ones who just want sex are as selfish as the ones who want an “instant” relationship~ after saying no to a bloke in either group they tend to disappear (for some until i call them 
at the moment i feel i am in a world of mars bars and i’m hungering for some belgian delight…
Comment from Evenryavake
Time October 29, 2008 at 7:14 pm
Sounds crazy. Be good to my itchy worker Sorry, for off top, i wanna tell one joke) What did one wall say to the other wall? Meet you at the corner.
Comment from Terry
Time September 27, 2007 at 10:34 am
Interestingly, today’s Dear Abby (and I usually like and agree with her) explicitly told a reader exactly the opposite of what you just told us.
Her reader wrote to say she’d slept with a guy, and he disappeared. Abby responded that he’d hit the highway because the woman had slept with him too soon, effectively killing the chase and the mystery.
So I appreciate your refreshing take on the subject, Jeff. (Too bad the poor woman hadn’t written to you!)
We women have been trained since birth to keep our pants on or:
a) We’ll be considered sluts
b) No self-respecting man will want to marry us
We’ve also been told:
There are good girls and bad girls. Bad girls act on their sexual impulses. Good girls don’t have sexual impulses.
If a good girl is going to have sex, she should do so only if the man loves her (it’s his reward for loving her, or even better, for marrying her). Otherwise, she is a slut, a tramp, a fallen women, a putana, etc.
Even though the double standard seems retro, it certainly still exists (why else would Conan be making ‘Paris Hilton is a whore’ jokes without mentioning the creep she made the video with?).
Thank you for saying that a woman should have sex when she wants to. Many women need to hear that.
Unfortunately, a lot of females cannot fully enjoy sex because it’s been pummelled into their skulls that sex is dirty. After marriage, they resist sex with their husbands because it’s been reduced to a chore.
Society has steadily and effectively drubbed sexual desire right out of them.
No double standard = More fun for all.
Thanks for doing your part.