Manslations News Roundup: Cheaters-Never-Win Edition
Welcome back, my friends, to the Manslations News Roundup series that never ends. It’s Friday, and you all know what that means. Let’s do this thing…
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Hillary Duff’s Boyfriend Buys Her a Mercedes for her Birthday
So THAT’s who those moronic car-with-a-giant-bow-on-it commercials are targeting…
By the way, on behalf of all NON-millionaire boyfriends in the world, thanks for ruining it for everyone, jackass. I hope that Hillary finds out about some dude who bought HIS girlfriend a nuclear submarine made by Prada.
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Woman gets Death Sentence for Murdering her Cheating Lover
Listen, this is how confused men get when sex is in the picture. A woman who he CHEATED ON was able to put a pill in his mouth while kissing him, and he STILL swallowed the pill.
Had he only been thinking clearly, he might have had questions, like, let’s say, “Wonder what kind of pill a woman might put in my mouth after I cheated on her?”
Instead, evidently the logic went something like, “Oooh, making out! I LOVE making out! Wait, what th–Eh, why not? Hey, maybe it’s a vitamin. Wow, she’s really taking this whole cheating thing really well!”
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Man Kills Road Worker over Damage to Car
This is what happens when a man with an inferiority complex gets a car with a superiority complex.
This fun-loving Russian gentleman was driving his Mercedes (given to him by Hillary Duff’s boyfriend as a birthday gift) and bent up his wheel on a pothole (not a euphemism) and then bent up a road worker who refused to pay him for the damages. Killed him.
But, poor guy, the damage was done. His penis-enhancement-mobile was already ruined. And no amount of murder can bring THAT back. Let’s have a moment of silence for that Mercedes wheel.
…
Thank you.
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Star Cricket Player Sends Booty TXT Intended for Mistress…to his WIFE
Uh…whoops?
(Manslator’s Note: As an American, I’m taking it on faith that there ARE “star” cricket players. They don’t let us watch that sport here, so I can’t say for sure.)
This story is fantastic. Oh, the humanity.
Actually, my dream resolution to this scenario would be that the wife actually WAS the mistress in disguise, and that they both liked pina coladas, and getting caught in the rain. I’m not a romantic, I just really like 80s music.
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That’s all for this week. I received a TON of great reader requests over the past few days, and I’ll be cranking through them. Keep ‘em coming, ladies! You all are the heroin that I was raised to be afraid to abuse.
Posted: September 28th, 2007 under Celebrity Manslations, Manslations News.
Comments
Comment from Curvy Spice
Time September 28, 2007 at 12:48 pm
Am I the only one who thinks there is some delightful logic to the Chinese murder-pact dating arrangement? I kind of like the upfront honesty of a relationship where you know from the get go, if you cheat, you die. It’s like an extreme you break it you buy it policy.
Though I think she shouldn’t have gone with the secret death pill. I don’t think that really represents the honest and open relationship they forged with each other. And perhaps the lawyer hammering out that dating arrangement should have been more specific with the defined term for “cheating” since apparently one party interpreted cheating as “talking” and the other did not. As I tell all my friends, you need to get a good lawyer. 
I’m very much looking forward to whatever film version of this story comes out. Lifetime Television for Women should really get on this. I can see it starring Tiffani Amber Thiessen with the poison pill. Awesome.
Comment from Susan
Time September 28, 2007 at 8:03 pm
“Darling, your eyes sparkle like jewels…and if you cheat on me, you f–r, I’ll yank them out one by one with a dull chopstick.” That’s love, I tell you.
How long do you think she had that pill in her mouth? I was just thinking it was a good thing she didn’t accidentally swallow the pill. Like when she choked reading about the spin bowler doofus asshole accidentally texting his wife.
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time September 29, 2007 at 11:47 am
luckydave: Yeah, I thought that was a little hilarious. It’s hard not to wonder how she missed that little “clue.”
Curvy Spice!!! Where hast thou been!? I think you might have a point, that it’s only fair if everybody actually knows what they’re going to get murdered for.
Susan: I also wondered that, Susan. I mean, is that really the best way to poison someone? I think not.
Comment from Terry
Time September 30, 2007 at 8:24 am
Penis-enhancement-mobile? That’s hilarious!
Whenever my husband and I are cut off by some schmo in a “luxury car,” we eye each other and mutter, “Small penis sufferer.”
What is it with guys and their penises, Jeff? Why all the “enhancement” commercials? Why all the SPAM (somebody has to be buying that stuff, or SPAMMERs would have found a new product by now)?
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time October 1, 2007 at 6:21 am
Terry: Guys like to keep score. This is why they like sports — you can tell who won and who lost. And I guess penis size is the oldest form of keeping score on record.
Comment from luckydave
Time September 28, 2007 at 8:35 am
“He and Callahan divorced in 2005, with Warne later saying his womanizing was something he did to ease the loneliness of long cricket tours.”