manslations

Manslations reader msbee’s request is short, and to the point. Me likey. She asks:

dear manslator,

how can i ask for what i want in bed?

-msbee

Dear msbee,

This is a great question. And it’s a real problem for some people to talk about. Especially some people from Connecticut whose names rhyme with “Fleff Shmac.” But I’ll take a whack at it. And don’t worry — I’m far too embarrassed about this subject to get too graphic.

So, we’ve already discussed how to drive HIM wild in bed (which is by a WIDE margin my most popular post, you naughty, naughty ladies), and naturally you’re looking for him to drive YOU there. Now, I’m not sure what your specific situation is. And please don’t tell me — I’ll blush so hard that I’ll lose consciousness. So, I’ll just take the general premise — you’re not getting exactly what you want in bed, AND you want to keep going to bed with the guy you’re not getting it with. I can give you some general strategies for some basic situations you might be in:

• NEW COP ON THE FORCE – You might be with someone who’s inexperienced. His confidence is probably not there yet, and he’s probably very, very aware that he’s doing it all wrong. And he’s probably terrified that YOU think that, and doesn’t want to bring it up. The key with this guy is ENCOURAGEMENT. You want to guide him in the right direction, and let him know that you’re loving it when he does something well. The last thing you want to do is to make him feel like YOU think he’s a rookie who is no good at this.
• THINKS HE’S GREAT — There are lots of dudes who really think they are total blackbelts in the sack. And let’s face it, if this is like everything else in the freaking world, I’m guessing that there are probably a lot more guys who THINK they’re great than actually ARE. With this guy, it’s still going to be about encouragement, but a different kind. And you might even have to…”lie.” Just a little. As in, you might want to tell him, “Oh, I love it when you do XYZ!” even if he has never even approached doing that before. He might feel a little confused if he can’t remember ever having done that before. But he’ll still figure out a way to somehow give himself credit for having done it. And now that he knows how “great he was at it” he’ll do it more.
• CAPTAIN CHECKLIST — There are guys who think that they are great “technicians” in bed — i.e. they have various “moves” that they do which they are sure “work.” And they can’t all be right. Don’t encourage stuff that isn’t working, or you’ll get it all night long. With this guy, you want to make him feel like he’s on the right track, but he just needs to calibrate his instruments to your specifications. And when he finally gets it right, make sure he knows about it.
• REBEL WITHOUT A CLUE — This is a guy who thinks that just by showing up, you’re satisfied. (Why wouldn’t you be? HE is!) If he’s going all “Speedy Gonzalez” on you, you might have to really re-educate him. This is a guy who doesn’t realize that women are built differently from men. He’s going to need to learn that he needs to do extra stuff to get you there. Extra, as in beyond what needs to happen to get HIM there. Make suggestions of stuff you’d like to “try.” And when it happens, let him see you LOVE it. Rave about it. Communicate that whatever it was really WORKED.
• JUST NOT HITTING IT — He’s trying, he’s listening, he’s paying attention, and he’s still just not clueing in. Same advice as the rookie. He’s trying, but he needs some signposts along the way. Help him out. You’ll get what you want, and he’ll learn how to give it to you.

As you might have noticed, msbee, all of these involve encouragement. I’ve heard some women say, “Oh, why do I have to be protecting a man’s precious ego in bed?” Well, you don’t “have to” do that, of course. But…don’t you like him? Don’t you want him to feel good about himself and what he’s doing? If not, hey, do whatever you want. But I’ll tell you this much — if you’re not getting what you want in the sack, well, you’re definitely not going to get it by him feeling lousy about what he’s doing. That goes for in OR out of bed, for that matter.

Like I said at the top, I’m not sure what your specific situation is, but you really can’t go wrong with encouraging the stuff you love, and not acknowledging stuff that doesn’t work.

Good luck, msbee!

-Jeff Mac

Oh, ladies? How do YOU get what you’re after?