manslations

Welcome to Friday, people. And welcome to another Manslations News Roundup where I, Jeff Mac, boldy scour the internet for stuff. Shall we read on? Dare we wait? We dare not — Let’s go!

–

“SEX & THE CITY” MOVIE SPOILERS LEAKING OUT: MEN WAIT WITH…UH…UN-BATED BREATH? (No spoilers will be revealed here.)

Look, ladies, I know this is a big one. So don’t click on this link if you don’t want to know what happens in the movie. I’m not going to tell you what happens. I will give you a hint — Will the movie end a.) happy or b.) really sad and tragic?

Not that “guy” movies are any less predictable. Anytime The Rock has a gun in his hand, you can be pretty sure everybody in the room but him is going to become very, very dead. He might get shot in the shoulder, but he’ll just grimace. I hope I didn’t ruin anything for anyone. (Either by giving away the ending to all his films, or by just mentioning him in the first place.)

I think the reason why men have trouble enjoying Sex and the City is…well, I guess it must be the “city” part. I hate clothes shopping. So now I’m going pay money to watch someone famous go clothes shopping for stuff I don’t even understand in the first place? Doesn’t she already HAVE a pair black shoes? What’s happening? Hello?

–

NEW “DIVORCE LOANS” IN JAPAN

Well, the Japanese are trying to help out the newly divorced with special loans for divorcees. Because when you’re really destroyed emotionally, what you need most of all is access to debt. They’re calling them “Re,” which is either a reference to someone REstarting their lives, or the fact that they have just been REamed. Whatever it is, it sounds very nice of them.

We’d do it here, but the divorce rate is so high, it would probably be easier to just charge money to the people who DON’T get divorced. They asked Alan Greenspan if we could work it out, and he wet himself and retired the next day.

I hope the loan comes with a coupon book with ads for Porsche dealerships and hairplugs for men, and deals on bulk rate cat food for women. You know, just to make sure and kick everyone when they’re down.

–

INDONESIAN COURT REFUSES TO MAKE POLYGAMY EASIER

Those poor Indonesian men. All they want is to marry as many women as they feel like, and now, these “activist judges” are telling them that their women will still have to agree to it?? What the hell!

Boy, you ladies just can’t be pleased, can you? Men get in trouble if they won’t pop the question. And then, when a man not only finally wants to do exactly that — and a whole LOT — all of a sudden you’re mad? What gives?

–

THAI BANK OFFERS FREE CONDOMS TO SHY CUSTOMERS. SERIOUSLY.

This new bank policy is one of those things that seems like a better idea than it actually is (not unlike polygamy). I mean, first of all, if there’s one place that really gets me randy, it’s the bank. So that part just seems natural, I’ll grant you that.

But here’s my point. Ok, this is for people who are too shy to ask for condoms at the store, right? (And what better reason to willing risk a deadly disease than “shyness”?)

But you’ve got these shy people ok? They’re too shy to ask for condoms? So…won’t you just make them MORE shy by asking them to take your special shybuster condoms, knowing full well that if they DO take them, everybody is going to KNOW that they were too shy to ask for them in other locations?

I just got a little nauseous from that logic swirl. I’m going to bed.

–

That’s all for this week’s edition, folks. The traffic’s been through the roof lately — keep it up! Tell your friends. Or people you don’t like that much. (And keep those manslations requests coming!) I’ll be back with more on Monday!