manslations

We’ve got another reader request today, this time from Lilly, who met a man in a distant land while she was on vacation. (Or at least I’m assuming it was distant. But what do I know? I never go anywhere. The Upper East Side is a distant land to me.) Anyway, stuff got a little strange at the end of the trip.

What’s the deal? Read on to find out. Lilly writes:

So, here’s the thing.

I meet this guy on a vacation, he’ s a local. We spend great 3 days together, and I come back again after 2 months (it was a plan before i’d met him). He still wants to see me all the time, and to my surprise, he wants to join me on my weekend-trip to a neighboring country (although he’d been complaining about his cash-flow beeing very low in that period).

(Btw, we’re in Europe)

The weekend was great, but at the same time I was wondering if maybe it was too soon to spend so much time together in a place where we both had to be together all the time, since it was a new country for both of us.

After the weekend, I could see he wanted some time for himself, like 2 evenings with friends, but it was ok for me, we still ended up seeing each other during the day, going to the beach and stuff. (his initiative, mainly).

The day before my last day in his country, was my birthday and he inivtes me to lunch somewhere, but then just sleeps in, and doesn t show up. (My phone charger was at his place for a few days so I didn t have a phone either).

Kind of furious, I decide to go straight to his place to get my charger and see why the hell not only did he not show up, but also didn t answer my calls (from the phone booth lol), and I find him passed out in a room that smelled (like a teen spirit haha), of alcohol. He’s really sorry, he said and I could tel he meant so, but I just tell him I m there to pick up my charger, and I left right away. He asked what I was doing later, I said I was meeting my friends. (I didn t make a scene btw. lol)

I was still mad to talk to him when he called that night, but I met him for a coffee before my departure the next day. He said he was sorry again (he also thought I was staying more, so he offered to make up and have a dinner that night.

He took me to the station, I told him it was a good time with him except for THAT day, and I was ok with him before I’d left. (I didn t want to leave just like that, knowing that who knows when and if I was going to see him again. – I m moving to his city next year btw-).

Now, it s been a few weeks since I left, and I haven t heard from him. I didn t write to him because I felt like he was supposed to do the first move since he was the one screwing up in the end, but nothing. He was the one underlying we should write to each other, and said that visiting my country is at the top of his list wright now, and that he’d like to do that as soon as he can.

DO you think it s the same thing as it was with Karina? That he was never into me, or what?

(Sorry for the long message, I hope you had the patience. Tnx if you did )

Best.

L.

Dear Lilly,

Here’s my sense from this behavior. First of all, let’s break down the situation into what seem to be the points that jump out at me:

• VACATION: You met him in a situation with a built-in expiration date.
• HE INITIATED A LOT OF CONTACT: Seems like he was definitely pursuing you.
• QUICKLY INTIMATE: You guys went on a weekend trip together right off the bat.
• BACKED OFF: As soon as you got back from the weekend trip, he seems to have cooled way down.
• HE DIDN’T WRITE FOR A FEW WEEKS: Once you were out of his country, his contact and pursuit stopped.

I wouldn’t say that he was never interested as in the Karina situation you mentioned in your letter. Not exactly, anyway. Here’s what I would say:

The “LAST DAYS IN PARADISE” relationship

-aka the “Summer Camp Romance,” the “Summer Lovin’ Had Me a Bla-hast,” or the, “I’m Sailing off to Normandy in the Morning.”

To me, this sounds like a guy who found you interesting, fun, and attractive, and he wanted to spend some brief, intense time with you. The fact that you were only in town for a finite period of time made it all the more intense. He probably hadn’t even been thinking in terms of a long-term thing. He knew there was this pre-determined countdown timer on the relationship, and that was a part of the deal. Even a part of the FUN.

It looks possible that HE didn’t realize that this was only a vacation thing — until the weekend together. That’s when he sort of got pulled back down to Earth (sort of like a preview of real life, which is usually pretty rough on a vacation thing.) It wasn’t anything that you did or that he did. I don’t think you blew it by going on the weekend together. The weekend just revealed the truth — that he wasn’t really thinking in terms of a long-term (and therefore, in your case, long-DISTANCE) thing.

BUT…YOU’RE MOVING THERE

So, what’s going to happen when it’s NOT a long-distance thing, and you’re there all the time? Hard to say, but at this moment, I’d speculate that he’ll be a little hard to pin down, and a relationship won’t materialize. A vacation romance always has a very hard time transforming from “Fun, crazy, wild over THERE,” into, “All the time, in my home town.” Again, it’s not that he didn’t like you. Clearly he wanted to spend time with you. But at the end of your vacation (when he was clearly not serious, blowing off lunch, not writing, etc.) it seems pretty clear in his mind, there’s no reason to maintain it — the end of the vacation was the end of the romance.

I’m sorry if this isn’t exactly what you wanted to hear about this guy. I guess what I’d say is, I hope it was a great time while it lasted. (Hey — that’s what vacation nooky is FOR!) But I’d say that what happened in…I don’t know where — Budapest, let’s say…is likely to stay in Budapest. Thanks so much for writing in. And if you were a fun vacation romance for this dude, there’s some other dude out there who wants to be with you ALL the time.

Good luck, Lilly! Ladies — Anybody meet a local on vacation that survived re-entry to regular life? How’d you do it?