manslations

Hey everybody. Reader, commenter, and requester Shelby is back for another round. She wrote earlier about her “anti-marriage” man, and what that might mean for them. Well, apparently, he’s still not “anti-commitment”, because they’re still together. Now, she’s got another question. This time, about his female pal. She writes:

Dear Jeff,

I’ve written to you in the past about this same person and as typical, your brilliant advice was informative and very, very appreciated. My question today is regarding being in a relationship with a man who has a female friend. Said friend and he made contact again after ten years or so, around the same time we began dating. (About 8 months or so, ago.) This friend has told him that she has a boyfriend but is not at all serious about him. She calls my boyfriend (and he calls her) about 3-4 times a week, presently. Since I don’t see him daily, I don’t know how long their conversations are but I do know that they share intimate details of their lives with each other. Their contact has increased over the past few months. I’ve gotten the impression they get on extremely well and that they have more in common than he does with me. He doesn’t often mention her because some time ago I gingerly let him know that I wasn’t crazy about the idea of his ‘emotional friend’ but I haven’t asked
him to stop because I don’t want to begrudge him a friend if in fact this situation is completely innocent. She lives 2 states away; his home town. He will be traveling there over the holidays. I’m confident that they will visit during that time. It’s my understanding that men don’t typically befriend women. (I’ve had (so I thought) many male friends and they all pretty much just wanted to nail me…)

My boyfriend is one of those sensitive types who requires a mental and emotional connection with someone. I (thought) we had this. My question is, should I dismiss my concerns or should I speak up about this? Should I just wait and see what happens? I could just be over thinking things but I’m trying to save myself any pain. What do I do?

Dear Shelby,

Great question! And a very common one. In my life, anyway. See, I too happen to have a bunch of female friends. (What can I tell you — I was raised by women, I’m a known manslator, and I don’t like most sports, so it just works out that way.) And most of my girlfriends have, at one point or another, expressed some…ah… slight discomfort with the idea. Here are some things I’ve learned about this kind of situation:

If the two of you are going to be close, he’s got to know the truth about how you feel. More than that — he’s got to be OK with how you feel. He’s got to understand that the idea of him with another woman, a close friend (who tells him about her un-serious relationship) makes you feel weird and antsy — BUT, that you want to be ok with it, and you just need his help in doing that.

You can’t keep this to yourself if it bothers you because he’ll pick up on it. You’ll get annoyed, he’ll get secretive, and it will drive you apart.

KNOW THIS: HIS FIRST THOUGHT WILL BE “SHE WANTS ME TO STOP BEING FRIENDS WITH HER.”

You seem to be saying that you want to be cool with this friendship, you just don’t want to be overlooking a potential infidelity. So, you don’t want him to, in ANY way, get the message, “Stop this!” What you’re saying is, “I want to be cool with this, but I just want to hear that she’s your friend, and that I’M your woman.” See, if he can be 100% clear (and in such a way that you 100% trust him on it) that she’s nothing more than a pal, and that you’re IT for him, I bet you’d have no trouble with this situation.

AS ALWAYS, ULTIMATUM=BAD

The problem with telling him, “Listen, your friendship with her has to stop,” is that it will never work. It will make him feel restricted, resentful, and ultimately rebellious. (And probably other “re” words as yet unspoken in this post.) At which point, he’s going to want to talk about it. And guys don’t talk about that kind of thing with other guys. Thus, he’ll be talking about it with…you guessed it — HER. You don’t want to become the woman that he needs to talk about with ANOTHER woman. (That’s pretty much a country/western song just waiting to happen.)

LOYALTY TESTS ALSO= BAD

Don’t try to set up some situation where he has to choose between you and her (i.e. he’s going to be hanging out with her, and you suddenly have a “phone emergency” right then, etc.) Not that he shouldn’t choose you over her in that situation. Of course, if it came to that, he should be choosing you over her. But if you engineer such a “choice”, he’ll know you did that. Again, he’ll feel restricted (and, of course, other “re” words) and worse — manipulated. And he’ll feel like you don’t trust him. All guaranteed to push him away.

THE BIG QUESTION: DO YOU TRUST HIM?I hope you do, and I know YOU hope you do. But do you? Because let’s face it — if you don’t (if your relationship is one in which he might just up and leave you for someone else) well, his friendship with this woman is maybe the #2 problem on your list of things to deal with. And stopping him from hanging out with her isn’t going to help.

In other words, if he is truly deserving of your trust, this friendship ultimately doesn’t matter. And if he’s not…well, it matters even less.

WHAT TO DO? RESORT TO THE TRUTH.

Here’s what I’d suggest here. You need to help him understand that even though you don’t necessarily like it, you’re willing to be cool with this friendship — as long as he can let YOU know you’re his One and Only. If you can tell him, “Hey, listen, I trust you, but that doesn’t mean I don’t need some reassurance now and again. Tell me why you like me better than anyone else — you know, a LOT — and I will learn be totally cool with this friendship, even though it drives me a little nuts right now,” you’re going to get the best result.

That’s your compromise right there. You will learn to be ok with this, and he’ll put in some extra effort to make sure that you hear all about how YOU are the special one for him. Tell him exactly what you need, though. Do NOT expect him to just know. We’re pretty dense about knowing what you need, emotionally, because it’s not usually the same stuff that WE need.

If he can’t go for that, well, you have to wonder WHY.

Good luck, Shelby. This can be a tough conversation to have, but if you can be completely straight with him it can be a conversation that actually brings you closer together.

Ladies? How have YOU dealt with your man’s gal-pals?