Are Men Intimidated by Women who can Hold their Own?
Blogger and frequent commenter, Susan, has a question I have heard now and again about the male response to “strong women.” She writes:
I’m an intelligent, independent, attractive woman — and have a host of other charming qualities. (I’m also quite modest when not writing.) Nonetheless, I often feel that the majority of men aren’t looking for those things. I used to joke with friends that my bad dating luck was because men are intimidated by my brains and beauty. Now, I’m not saying I’m Heidi Klum and I’m not a member of Mensa, but I’m a good catch. What’s your take — are men really intimidated by women who can hold their own?
(Note that you are funny, quite cute and can put a sentence together — and use spell check! – and I’m not intimidated by you at all.)
Dear Susan,
First of all — and reader requesters, I can’t stress this enough — the flattery in your closing is a VITAL part of getting a good manslation. Well done.
Now, to your question. I’ve actually been dreading getting this question a little. Partly because it’s a tough one to diagnose without knowing you personally. (Mostly it’s just that I had a female acquaintance who used to complain about this very thing, but her problem was that she was not only not very attractive, but she was also kind of a big, abrasive jerk. Which, you know, IS intimidating. To, like, everybody. And I’ve been terrified that SHE was going to find this website and ask this question.) But given your description of yourself and your situation, here are a couple things that I can tell you in general about this question. So…
QUESTION: Are men intimidated by smart, attractive women who can hold their own?
UNHELPFUL (but quick) ANSWER: Never the RIGHT men.
I know, that blows as advice, but hear me out. This sheds light on something about men that, in my experience as a manslator, seems foreign to women. Once I explain that, I can bring it back to better answer your question.
MYTH: SOME MEN HAVE A ONE-TRACK MIND
FACT: For most men, it’s actually two tracks.
See, some women seem to believe that there are some guys who are only after sex, and some others who are looking for relationships, and you’ve got to figure out who’s who. That’s not quite right. The real situation is more like, ALL men — nice guys, everyone — see the majority of women in one of two categories:
- The ones he wishes he could have sex with (i.e. virtually every woman he sees, seriously)
- The ones he wants to actually date…and have sex with. (i.e. a very small number of women.)
So, ALL men see the majority of women as sex objects, at least for a second or two. Instead of looking for the guy who sees “women” as more than sex objects, you’ve got to find the ones who see YOU, SPECIFICALLY as more than that. In addition to seeing you as a sex object. (Sorry, there’s just no way around that part.)
BACK TO YOUR SITUATION
So, if you’re kinda hot (and why would I not take your word for it?) the vast majority of male attention you get is going to be of the “sex only” kind. This is just because the vast majority of men at LEAST want sleep with you. It’s just how our brains work. Seeing even a marginally attractive woman and picturing ourselves having sex with her is just our brain’s way of saying “hi.”
However, that has nothing to do with the number of men who want to actually DATE you for who you are. Zero. Unfortunately, that’s always pretty much the same for everyone (as in, not too many people.) So, if you’re attractive, you’re going to be getting a lot of attention, but it seems to peter out. But the fact is, it was never serious attention in the first place.
YOU CAN SORT OF “INTIMIDATE” A GUY WHO DOESN’T REALLY LIKE YOU FOR YOU
Look, a guy who just wants to have sex with you might very well be “intimidated” by the fact that you’re kind of a bad ass. What they’re looking for is someone who is super easy to deal with for the purposes of nailing them. Think “predator stalking a herd of deer.” If the man is in this mode, he’s not going to be going for the strongest in the herd. This might be what you’re seeing — as in, a guy who pays a lot of attention to you, but when he figures out that you’re, you know, YOU, he bails in favor of some young bimbo who can’t count past eleventeen.
This leaves some women to think, “What went wrong? He must prefer someone who can’t actually speak intelligently, etc.?” Not exactly. He doesn’t actually “prefer” either you OR the bimbo. He wants to sleep with both of you, but with HER it will be simpler to bullshit his way into bed and ultimately bail out later. (I mean, give him this much credit — wouldn’t it be WAY harder to BS you than her? He got that right, right?)
So, “unfortunately” for you, the fact that you’re attractive means that you’re going to be forced to wade through plenty of guys who only want sex and nothing more. The good news is that the guys who want more than that will also be sort of guaranteed to want the sex part as well. So…that’s nice.
My sense of you from your comments here (and your website) is that you’re not going to change the way you are, regardless of what the men might be intimidated about. This is, of course, exactly the right way to go. I mean, think about it — you’re NEVER going to “intimidate” a guy who likes you for who you are by…being who you are. That’s just simple math, people.
Good luck, Susan. Keep being a bad ass. Yes, you might intimidate the wrong guys, but hey — isn’t that a good thing?
Women of the Manslatable World — what’s your experience with men being “intimidated” by you?
Posted: October 18th, 2007 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time October 18, 2007 at 12:38 pm
Eric: Nah, I don’t think this is someone you know. But of course, now I’m wracking my brain to try to think of someone we know mutually who fits the description…
(Please, please don’t give me a hint. What if she reads this?!)
Comment from eric the beehivehairdresser
Time October 18, 2007 at 1:36 pm
Oh crap, that just means that there are two of her running around.
Comment from Susan
Time October 18, 2007 at 1:55 pm
Jeff, thanks for your insight and humor, as always. (Ladies: note the additional flattery.) Actually, a few things crossed my mind when I saw that photo – after I spit out my coffee laughing – and read your post:
1. I should have done about 800 bicep curls and shoulder presses instead of my yoga class today.
2. Didn’t all of Sarah Connor’s significant others die? Also note that I don’t think Linda Hamilton’s track record has been so hot, either. (Not what I’m trying to go for, BTW.)
3. Me, a bad ass?
The last thing I had been thinking when I wrote to you was that I would be in the bad ass category, but after years of being a people pleaser and worried about what I was doing “wrong,” I kinda like it. (Note: nice girls get rebellious sometimes.) I don’t know if your other readers have wondered the same, but I was sorting through conflicting personal experiences and research/opinions I’ve read over the years on whether men really are intimidated (maybe not the right word) by women who are independent and halfway intelligent. But you are absolutely right — it doesn’t really matter. I’ve learned enough to know that I don’t have to change “me” and don’t plan to. I want to attract someone who will appreciate good conversation and maybe a little sass (“…or I’ll kick his ass” – insert grin here.)
Now, excuse me. I’m going back to the gym and then the firing range, maybe save the world after another cup of coffee. I must prepare to protect you and Eric from your mysterious gal pal(s)..
Comment from Dating Goddess
Time October 18, 2007 at 8:37 pm
Jeff:
Once again, such good, thoughtful advice couched in your one-of-a-kind humor (notice the kissing up ladies).
I have some input to offer — what a surprise! I, and I’m sure many (if not all) of your readers see myself in Susan’s description. I, too, have felt I intimidated some men. As you point out, this can actually be a good thing! It hasn’t slowed down the every flowing pipeline of men into my dating site email box, and I am currently in various stages of getting to know 4 men. So strong women can be appealing — and not just to those who want a mommy or to be dominated.
But in some recent research, I came across the work of Alison Armstrong and her “Understanding Men, Celebrating Women” courses. One thing that is relevant to this issue is that strong women are sometimes reticent to receive. Because we can open our own doors, pay for our own half of the check, and make our way quite nicely in the world, there’s no room for a guy to think he can contribute to us in any way outside of the bedroom. So we come across all Linda Hamilton, when really if we’d let a guy give us something — even something simple like buying our coffee on a first meeting — he feels there’s some room for him to be appreciated by you.
If you want to know more on this, see the posting “Are you open to receiving?”
http://datinggoddess.wordpress.com/2007/09/21/are-you-open-to-receiving/ . (Two related postings are “Do men want feisty women?” http://datinggoddess.wordpress.com/2007/04/24/do-men-want-feisty-women/ and “The strong vs. nice woman debate” http://datinggoddess.wordpress.com/2007/08/01/the-strong-vs-nice-woman-debate/)
Jeff, is Alison all wet, or is this part of the issue?
Dating Goddess
Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time October 18, 2007 at 9:22 pm
Susan: Hey, not all bad asses use automatic weapons or do one-armed pullups. There’s a such a thing as a WIT bad ass. At least I hope there is, or I’m REALLY never going to be a bad ass.
And yes, Sarah Connor’s loved ones did not fare well. Ok, bad picture for this one.
DG: I think Alison makes a great point. Absolutely — men are definitely into the whole “utility” thing. As in, if you don’t have a use for us, why are we here? Not that you have to be a damsel in distress. But even Sarah Connor needed someone to show her how to make plastic explosives…
And thanks so much for the links!
Comment from Theatregal
Time October 19, 2007 at 1:45 am
My Mom used to say to me that she didn’t know where I came from and that I should have been born in1935 and she should have been borb in 1958 because if she had it to do over again…..she never would have gotten married or had children. There isn’t a maternal bone in her body. She always told me to just live with a gut, don’t get married. Even though I have NEVER had any burning career am,bitions…probably never will, I still am very sure of who I am and what I believe for myself. Not so workable in Mom’s day and age. I think the pedulum has swung from the subordinate wife ( Mom’s day) to the EQUAL man and woman. ( my day) Now I think, for me and some other women, there’s a middle ground. Just because I actually enjoyed being a Mom and a wife ( chose the wrong guy) doesn’t make me any les or more than the woman who likes working. I raised about 40 or 50 kids over 20 years, so I could stay home. Now my kids are grown. I’m divorced, which had nothing to do with my life choices. My ex and are were too young to realize how extremely different our values were. We’re friends who were together 25 years and married 20. We’ve been divorced almost 7 years. He’s never been that into sex. I have. His girlfriends seem fine to him as lng as they have a job and leavbe him alone. But he can’t be completely alone. He’s told me our problem was I felt too much and was too intense for him. I love the books “Intimate Communion”, by David Deida and “Enchanted Love” , by Marrianne Williamson. Basically, I am a very strong woman who doesn’t need a label about a career or job to define me. I like Polarity between the sexes. Too much equality makes things Platonic and boring. That doesn’t mean things can’t switch back and forth a little. But in order for the fire to flare, I need to be the woman and the man to be the man. That doesn’t mean we don’t share and help one another in situations as they come up. But I love my man to be a man. That doesn’t mean “in charge”. It depends on the people involved, but there needs to be someone with a more masculine essence and one with a more feminine essence, gay straight, it doesn’t matter. If too much alike, your friends and that’s all. I like the fire and the passion. I don’t get that from a bud. Just my opinion.
Comment from Susan
Time October 19, 2007 at 6:10 am
Jeff, I like the photo — really! I’m liking the witty bad ass distinction. I would agree with Theatregal in the sense that I want a man to be a man. And I am with DatingGoddess that I’m all open for receiving attention and warmth. What I need is someone who doesn’t mind a woman with her own interests, job, thoughts, etc., too. But there is a balance — I was married to someone who was sort of emotionally comatose. Since I was independent and he was off doing his own thing and we didn’t connect below the surface (much to my dismay), we ended up 2 people living under the same roof and not much more. That wasn’t cool either. Anyhoo, thanks for the add’l comments. Keep up the good work, Jeff. I’ll be watching you…sorry, couldn’t help myself 
.
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time October 19, 2007 at 9:11 am
Theatregal: Yeah, it does seem like there’s a swing back toward the separation. There was a while there where it was, “Men & Women are different,” and then, “Men and Women are NO different, dammit!” and now it seems like we’re back to, “Ok, Ok, men and women are sometimes kind of different.” And I totally agree — I like the polarity as well.
Susan: Yeah, I’ve been in the “roommate relationship” as well. Mmm…no thanks. (Also, fyi, for your closing, we also would have accepted, “Ah’ll be Bahk.”)
Comment from Sian
Time October 22, 2007 at 2:58 pm
So…Jeff …are you single?
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time October 23, 2007 at 6:27 am
Sian: I am, in fact, very not single. And incredibly lucky. In a way, that’s why I’m writing this now — I finally see what a relationship looks like when it’s right (and can compare and contrast it with…uh….all that came before.)
Pingback from This Friday’s Public Service Announcement « One-Woman Show
Time October 26, 2007 at 9:56 am
[...] Jeff answered one of my questions and called me a bad ass (in the best sense of the term — or so he says). For that, I love him… just not in a [...]
Comment from amurray
Time October 26, 2007 at 6:44 pm
95 % OF MEN DO NOT SEE A WOMAN AS AN EQUAL,ONLY A SCORE.HUMANITY IS NOT IN THEIR VOCABULARY WHEN IT COMES TO WOMEN. SAD BUT TRUE. THE 5%THAT DO SEE WOMAN AS REAL HUMANS CAPABLE OF FEELING FOR MORE THAN SEX ARE USUALLY UGLY AND NEEDY. SO WHATS LEFT- 0-
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time October 27, 2007 at 12:57 pm
amurray: Well, the important thing is that you’re not bitter about it…ha ha.
Comment from Theatregal
Time October 28, 2007 at 6:18 am
I think it all has to do with what “equal” means to whom. Like I said before, I believe in sexual polarity. If we are exactly the same, there is no fire. This doesn’t mean one can’t be equal in most ways. In bed, I love the man to be the man, and I like to be the woman. That’s me. Everyone’s different. I suggested two books previously. I’d never read books like these where I finally didn’t feel weird because I’m not into ambition or career. I loved being a wife and Mom. I never wanted to be anything else. As I said before, my Mom never could figure out where I came from. I love how and who I am. Another good book besides, “Intimate Communion, Awakeing your Sexual Essence”, by David Deida and “Enchanted Love, The Mystical Power of Intimate Relationships”, by Marianne Williamson, is “Why We Love, the Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love”, by Helen Fisher. This one is written by a Ph.D in Anthropology. Very interesting. We’re all who we were born to be. Some have a more masculine essence, some a more femimine essence, male or female born. Straight or gay. What makes relationships exciting, is having one of each. I have a very female essence. Men with a more male essence is what turns me on. For some, what Deida refers to as the “50/50 relationship, Safe Boundaries and Equal Expectations for Men and Women,” feels best. Like I said before, I feel it’s boring. To each his own.That’s just me.
Comment from Black Ops Bob
Time October 31, 2007 at 9:06 am
Why didnt i ACT on my feelings when i had the chance?
ref: punch you in the MOUTH yo . . . all your wordy word words are giving me a headache
Comment from Bobbie
Time November 1, 2007 at 10:34 am
I just found this site- great stuff. I am that woman. My guy friends tell me I am a hottie at 46??!! I have a great career and lots of stuff but it attracts guys that want a free ride or others that say’ you have everything so I dont know what to get you!!!!????? Whre to take you..etc.. I think they are intimidated. I think a successful woman emasculates a man – what do you think?
There are a few good guys out there but the only one I like does not live in BIrmingham Alabama.
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time November 1, 2007 at 9:37 pm
Black Ops Bob: How…frustrating for you?
Bobbie: Yeah, guys are into the whole “utility” thing. As in, if you don’t have a use for us, we don’t know…you know…what USE you have for us. (Thanks for stopping by!)
Comment from TheFlamingVirgin
Time January 24, 2008 at 5:23 am
THIS is so late to the thread, but I just stumbled upon the site *I’ve been reading it for 5 hours now*
Wow, I thought that it was just me who held this opinion, and that I was a genius, but now I know that 1) Jeff is a genius and 2) I’m pretty darn good for figuring this one out without him
THIS is my story with guys: Guys see me, they gawk, they check out my butt, THEN… my face, they approach me with some pick-up line that is weeeeeak sauce… and I totally crush them with my merciless sarcasm. Then they get pissed off and bail.
I’m not Top Model material or anything, but I do think I’m pretty and with an undergrad 4.0 GPA, I KNOW I’m smart. But I also am an athlete who can kick a dude’s butt and outwit him, and guys don’t like that. Not if they’re on a conquest. They want what’s quick and easy. Only guys who are on your level, and who really like you for you, are willing to work for your attention and affection.
And THAT will take some time.
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time January 24, 2008 at 1:28 pm
TheFlamingVirgin: I’m so glad that you’re as much of a genius as I am! There are so few of us around, and it’s important to recognize it.
Seriously, it’s a good thing to know. You’re YOU, and you don’t want to waste any time trying to dress yourself up to be attractive to someone who’s looking for somebody else.
And if by “not Top Model material” you mean that you’re not self-obsessed with a 58 IQ, then I’d say that goes in the “Pro” column, not the “Con” column.
Pingback from What if He is Intimidated By You, Revisited « Manslations
Time February 28, 2008 at 6:40 am
[...] really. I mean, I’ve heard this one before. A lot, actually. And it always puzzles me. I mean, guys just don’t really operate that way. [...]
Comment from Rose
Time May 8, 2008 at 10:42 am
The one man you are meant to be with will ove EVERYTHING
Comment from Shandra
Time May 13, 2008 at 1:03 pm
Seriously! Thank you J-Mac!
The truth will set you free! I am similar to Susan (smart, funny and hot) and the interest dies down after the initial blast of attention. Now that I understand that sex rather than dating is the ultimate goal by [MOST] men, it makes me feel so much better. Keep doing what you’re doing…you are brilliant.
Comment from Barbara Doduk
Time June 25, 2008 at 5:17 pm
This was a perfect answer. I am going to link to this post in a future post on my blog, because you sum up the reality of what it is like for women out there trying to find that guy who “wants to actually date…and have sex with” them.
I’ll be back.
Comment from Treasa
Time August 5, 2008 at 12:51 pm
I am in the same situation as Susan. Actually seeing that picture above made me laugh because my most recent ex said I had the “Sarah Conner complex”. I’m a badass and intimidate guys. Boy friends that I have (and I have a lot) have even told me that they thought about dating me but decided we are better off friends. I get that a lot. I have since then thought that there is something wrong with me and guys like the whole damsel in distress thing. Once they find out that’s not me they bail, and fast. Sometimes I still think there is something wrong with me because I can relate to guys and their interests more than women’s. I used to think this was a good thing, but it seems to drive more men away than attract them. This site actually helped me out a bit and even though I had nothing to do with this question being asked, thanks everyone for your comments!
Comment from ThenAgain
Time October 31, 2008 at 9:06 pm
Hey, thanks for your insight and friendly encouragement. From a broken-hearted, attractive, over-educated woman married to a Russian Neanderthal. Seriously.
But your words make me feel hopeful again. Thank you.
Pingback from manslations » Is He Scared of Her?
Time January 12, 2009 at 6:34 am
[...] talked about men being intimidated by strong women before, but here’s a case when…well, it might just be true. Or he might [...]
Pingback from PSA for Single Gals Everywhere (maybe a few married ones, too) | One-Woman Show by Susan Courtad | writing, juggling, life, laundry, love
Time February 8, 2009 at 10:10 pm
[...] Jeff’s humor and style, take a look at how he helped me — yes, me! — manslate if men are initimated by women who can hold their own (note my awesome biceps in the photo) and what it means when men express their feelings to a [...]
Comment from Ben
Time July 10, 2009 at 9:13 pm
This is some of the stupidest shit that feminist come up with. It doesn’t mean that men are intimidated just because the want to have sex and a girl doesn’t want to give it to him, so he he leaves. It reeks with an Affirming the Consequent fallacy. What lame reverse-psychology.
It could also be this. Too many women become ball busting, career oriented only, always has an opinion, loud mouth, always comparing what they don’t have compared to men, bitches. Believe it not, if you were truly smart, you would know that this isn’t sexy. Despite the name of feminism, feminism has nothing to do with femininity which is something that attract guys–surprise!
This isn’t to say that one shouldn’t have confidence or can’t hold a decent conversation, or have an opinion, etc.
These girls glamorize that they are “so smart,” “so high and mighty,” “that they don’t need men,” they can take care of themselves,” yet moan that they can’t get a man. If the knew as much as they thought they did they wouldn’t be in the predicament.
Comment from mmagnolia
Time July 11, 2009 at 1:44 pm
Dear Ben… with..
MerciBouquets, Michael, 4That Benly Tune!
Okay, perhaps Your week’s ending was less than stellar…but, there’s another one coming! Hope that above woe isn’t because some “girl” refused 2give “it”.
Some honest chitchat must = AWOL when someone who wants sex ends up w/someone who doesn’t!
Master Ben [familiarity, ok!], Your lingo of “girl” as *women* is belittled by Your absent lingo of “boy” as *men*. That seems 2ignore the routine maturation of females as women BUT presumes the routine maturation of males as men [am saying so as a past/present/future Girl!].
Thousand pardons if U’re beng misread;
if so, t’is reflection of Your own comments.
BTW…just as “femininity” is attractive 2men, *masculinity* attracts women!
Moaning absence of “a man” is psycho-emotionally rightful if NO man who acts as a *Man* is present. Same is true when men moan absence of a *Woman*. The moaning isn’t about physical presence! A thousand males counted as present doesn’t mean that there’s ONE Man in the room! No offense, of course.
It’s wise that we “glamorize” every good facet , but recognize the reality that often it’s only diamonds which shine w/54!
Dear Ben, Peace+Joy onU!
Comment from Zoe
Time November 23, 2009 at 7:22 pm
Finally, a male’s take on something that has perplexed me for years. I am a strong independent woman. Rarely do I find a date who can keep my gaze or have a great conversation with me over dinner without being tongue-tied or just plain awkward. It is so unattractive and above all sad, because some of these guys actually had real potential otherwise. My best advice to guys is – it doesn’t matter how hot, intelligent, talented, strong, etc. a woman is or isn’t, we all want the same things. We want a man who can look us in the eye, have a reciprocal interested conversation, who can express interest either verbally or in a cue he gives, is respectful while at the same time free to speak his opinions, a protector, and someone that makes us want to be around them. We aren’t going to bite your head off, I promise. Just be you, be confident and assertive, and chances are, you’ll do fine. DO NOT get shy, nervous, overly passive, too aggressive, clingy, or needy, or too casual on early dates. Respect yourself and care about yourself and we’ll feel that and respond to it.
Comment from Doll
Time November 20, 2010 at 6:25 am
It’s a common thread I’ve noticed with myself and a few of my beautiful, witty, strong, and very unique friends.
There is a mystery secret we have, things we can only share with one another, and they are not the girly bimbo topics. What we can talk about forever is esoteric and soul matters, and unusual happenings that we have experienced, and they relate to one another and a particular person known to most. So anyway, this group is hilarious. We all have the funniest things to say and we are different, but we don’t care. I don’t like to sound brag-ish, but these are beautiful women who have great spirit and are very strong but sweet. The strange thing is, we have more to do with eachother emotionally than with what men have to do with us. They seem to pretty much ignore… it’s like the discuss something if they feel up to it, but for the most part…it’s like we’re ghosts to them. And my very good friends have husbands (they’re far away from me in the world) and yet they’re talking to me when we get the chance and time for hours about everything and anything, not their husbands. What’s going on? I wish men would join in the fun and the mystery and the adventure. I wish they wouldn’t be scared to explore a little.
Comment from Ben
Time November 21, 2010 at 1:10 pm
For someone who is so smart, you don’t understand the definition of the word intimidation.
Intimidation is not the same thing as threaten.
Men who don’t go out with women are not intimidated. Anything, but. The fact that they refuse to go out is proof that they are not timid nor conform from the fear of repercussion of some act–which is what to intimidate means.
“Man-ginas” who go out with such brutes of women, out of the fear of being called intimidated or sexist, are the ones actually intimidated.
And since when does independent always equals more intelligence? Independent can also mean more arrogant, narcissistic, mean, nagging, ball busting, brute, crude, and stupid.
Did I mention arrogant? I don’t think I did.
Since these women are “happy” because of their independent–this is only a suggestion, but they should stay independent. Let their bones turn to dust…alone. Leave those who understand the term interdependent, dependent, bondage, alone–Mr. Independent or Ms. Independent.
Apparently “successful” women like to complain about their current status which really questions how “successful” they really are in life.
Apparently for all the intelligence that you and these women have, you both need to go back to grade school.
Comment from K.c.
Time March 4, 2011 at 12:30 am
I’m a little confused; as a young woman who would classify myself as many of the women who have previously posted (smart, business-grade assertive, blah blah blah) I, at 26, am also having issues finding a male companion. I love sex, and make this known usually (part of the problem?), and regardless of the location (online, in a bar, at the bookstore, etc.) there seems to be a similar response: either feigned interest and then no follow-up or no interest at all…I almost always dress well and consider myself feminine; always articulating what I want…could this be the problem? I am a decently self-assured young woman who wants a masculine, assertive, intelligent man… I even consider myself submissive sexually… is what I want that unattainable?
Comment from mmagnolia
Time March 4, 2011 at 10:39 pm
Dears “K.c.” + “Ben”!
OopsOops..Ben, let me float my dismay 4failure 2affirm Your “Consequent fallacy” back yonder in November!
Here’s belated ‘Hush, Dearie’ on notion that intimidation is different than threat: Oftentimes, t’is true; sometimes, not! Whether difference exists depends on the Souls involved. Sadly, 4Some–one IS the other; Woe 2That…
WellWell, K.c.—can’t figure if YOU know “what” YOU want!
I am confused2; can’t figure if YOUR “unattainable” relates to relations OR to relationships.
Am doubtful that t’is about *Relations*–given that one can get laid crossing the road [even if one looks both ways!].
P’haps, articulating2self about the *why* of Your-Want might flush out Your-Want.
P’haps, discerning that Udon’t want such a Want would lighten Your wonder.
Hope holds that Peace… rules!
Comment from K.c.
Time March 6, 2011 at 9:02 pm
@mmagnolia – I’m quite sure that what I want is an intelligent, alpha male who adores and respects me and loves to spend time with me…a man who doesn’t mind ‘taking the reigns’ while I make cupcakes on a Sunday evening… I want this because I want the warmth and loveliness that a man who genuinely loves me provides, and the subsequent, delicious ‘fun time’ that such a scenario entails…is that too much to ask?
Comment from mmagnolia
Time March 7, 2011 at 10:58 pm
Yippee! Dear K.c.,
Your *Want* is perfect, plus perfecting!
Hope Ufelt planets move! Your Words corrected confusion! Easy2cheer words which stitch agreement, heart2toes!
Calm YourSelf: The scenario Ucheer is never “too much to ask” [even, this side o'Heaven]! Your”Want” is nonExcessive!
Slices o’That would please most crowds
sooo, Be Blessed 4sharing, and MerciMardiGrasBouquet…4Tossing!
most certainly not Dear K.c…..
Of course,
What U
Comment from mmagnolia
Time March 7, 2011 at 11:01 pm
yep…wish2scratch ‘whatever’ I had going on after the tossing!! Oh, well, after midnights….
Comment from sophia
Time May 30, 2011 at 1:00 pm
Hello
I have never been to this site and I read through many of the comments. I am a heterosexual female and this is how I see it. Heterosexual men and women need each other – period.
There are many boys running around pretending to be men or that they have something to offer or want to offer something deeper to me or women and really they don’t – to score I guess.
I am 48 and still have guys of all ages treat me like eye candy – which makes me laugh as didn’t I stop being eye candy 20 years ago?
Also men do seem a bit sexually selfish these days. I can’t tell you how many guys want me to do porn with them or have threesomes…and I’m not even dating or sleeping with them. I don’t dress sexy and when dating on the internet I have one head shot and no body shot.
That aside, I think SMART MEN when they find a woman they care about the issue isn’t so much she is strong, I’m intimidated, as much as can he and is he willing to give her somethings she needs. For example, a man (sorry I can’t remember his name) appeared on the Today Show, wrote a book, about how when he met his wife, she was actually the bread winner and he was struggling. So he found ways to give and provide for her. He made dinners for her, kept house for, maybe ran errands….it sounds like role reversal and for a time it was, however, he did it willingly and she did not look down on him. He wanted her in his life and he wanted to provide for her however her could. I think essentially those who want a relationship vs. sex do for one another. All the money and success in the world can’t make up for the lack of affection, kindness, support, connection with a lover.I’m not sure why men don’t recognize that? I believe men want the same and hide behind sex when really they want affection and connection.
I’m not anti-men however, there seems to be some angry men responding on here.
One thing that society (men side) has been very ignorant to embrace is women have had to work hard to be able to buy property (only since the 1970′s) been able to rise in Corp. AMerica (1980′s) and sexual freedom, on and off since the 60′s while the double standard still exists. So it sort of makes sense women would be proud of these achievements – yes? Imagine dating Donald Trump and saying to him, “Ok so you make money – big deal – are you any good in the kitchen?” Sometimes it feels like that is how men treat me and other women. Men also seem obsessed with chemical attraction, which is by nature fairly superficial. I can walk away from a guy who I feel sexual attraction to when he has nothing else to offer or wants to offer.
It does seem a little like women have evolved and guys still hold onto sex, porn, etc. to not have to be vulnerable and it’s that fear that keeps them in isolation. And the more women refuse casual sex porn may be more embraced and therefore weakening even further a guy’s ability to really connect.
Oh, sorry, one last thing – most guys try to come on to me or bond to me by putting me down, even as I sit and mind my own business??????? Sort of hostile attraction? Does anyone else have that happen?
Comment from mmagnolia
Time May 30, 2011 at 10:40 pm
DearMiss *sophia*,
MerciBouquets for provocative comments.
YesYes, my first real Beau [so2say!] did importune me via put-downs. Yes, I did suspect an ego problem, which proved itself. On bright side, he was a fine friend far, far longer than repugnant lover. I did learn lots about lots; Blessings rest2Him!
Some highquality *mutual admiration* [vs. "intimidation"] in the sense of wonderful Awe is a goodThing to share in relationships [vs. "relations"].
*No Fear, No Favor* is one of my favorite codes–But, my admiration of my certain Wonderfella is compatible with that! One’s sense of Self help set boundaries of both intimidating and being/feeling intimidated. Ideal is to have less thorns hovering One’s sense of Self.
YesYes, Sister Sophia, we shouldn’t allow entry for “intimidation”. It’s a redFlag of caution–put egg in sneaker & beat it!
On TheDonald being “good in the kitchen” Issue: In Some ways, stirring oatmeal for someone can be a grander gesture [especially when tired2bone] than doing megaDeals. Let’s hope 4Mrs. Don that he’s “good”, either/both atStove,onTable!
Lastly, there IS “porn” which is sweet, imaginative, respectful of women [&men]!
For example, *Art of Sex*[redtube,28674] is delightful. As a matter of fact–in the free clip, the man sexually worships the woman more than woman does the man;
YesYes, equal opportunity titillates!
Fare Thee Well, Ms. Sophia, in All Ways!
Comment from Ada
Time June 3, 2011 at 9:59 am
There are people who are strong, people who are weak, people who are tough, people who are soft, intelligent and stupid people,….and it does not have to do anything with their gender. Why should i try to be soft, and passive, if I am not. That’s called a conditioning. I apologize that I am a female, and i dont want to be ‘feminine” if that means being soft and passive, and vulnerable, and emotional, and crying for anything. Actually, I think that many women just pretend to be ‘feminine’ to catch a guy, and many men pretend they are so masculine, to impress women. It is like role playing. Women and men are much more alike, it is just they like to play their little theatrical games. They invented it to make sex more interesting. If they would just meet, and say: “I like you, want have sex with you”, and the other person would say:”Why not, you are hot, let’s go”, it would be boring. That’s why all this melodrama about sex differences.
Comment from mmagnolia
Time June 3, 2011 at 8:35 pm
Really-Really, Dear Ada!
Firstly: Don’t “apologize” (4being “female”) and…DO let *Them* see You sweat–early, late, often!
Secondly: It’s okay to assume a virtue if we have it not [Gratias, Bard], and to dust our variants of femininity if we’re womanly—or choose2B.
Yes, Friend Ada– it’s possible to relish being womanly AND strongly unpassive. I personally move and second such commotion! Ultimate Charm of the words “feminine” and “masculine” depends on whether one chooses either!
None of us should put Selves or Any of us [e.g., Girls of Any age] in straitjackets of cultural code! When Any of us assign a cultural code NOT of a Personal choosing, the virus of being *conditioned* slithers.
Thirdly: Women and Men are “alike”, yet different–to which we sing Merci, Lord! Any “little theatrical game” to enliven Joy of Sex is a GoodThing…if only because Sex is a GoodThing [it's been proved so!].
Whether such GoodThing is melodramatic depends on which Man and which Woman stirs the “sex”! *Gamers* [whether female, male, man, woman] will be Gamers and, thus, the Sex will be contrived. If contrivance serves Mistress & Master, no other hound is in Their pen!
Gee, Ms. Ada—if we put Pox on “role playing”, the Brains of Sex peters out [pun, intended]. Maintain costumes!
Sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar but can ignite glory of smoke-free bonfires.
So. lettuce enjoy All carrots of *Being*!
Comment from eric the beehivehairdresser
Time October 18, 2007 at 11:13 am
Jeff I’m hoping that the mystery female acquaintance that you refer to is the very same one that I’m thinking of…oh boy…shudder…