manslations

Welcome back to yet another installment of my weekly tradition: The Manslations News Roundup. In it, we see a dead ostrich, talking butts, (another!) freaky-deaky Aussie dude, and we begin with the return of LiLo. Let’s go!

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LINDSAY LOHAN STEALS ANOTHER WOMAN’S FIANCE. A LONE PERSON, SOMEWHERE, WAS SHOCKED TO HEAR IT.

You know, I missed Lindsay Lohan. Seems that she met an engaged snowboarder (yes, I didn’t know they had those either) whilst in the rehab, and they…well, I guess they humped in a stairwell. But you know, real genteel-like.

That poor other girl. I mean, it’s one thing to get dumped, and worse to be dumped for someone else. But to be forced to think, “Ok, he stopped dating me because he preferred…THAT trashpile?” What must it do to a young lady’s self image?

(Manslator’s Note: Any casting people for the next incarnation of Rock of Love — quick nab her while her self esteem is still in the toilet!)

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JIM CARREY DEMANDS “STOP GOOGLING MY GIRLFRIEND!” AND THEN THEY BOTH MAKE FUNNY FACES AND PRETEND THEIR BUTTS CAN TALK (WELL, PROBABLY)

Jim and Jenny were at a fundraiser, and he pretended to be offended that a young man had been Googling Jenny.

See, Jim’s got the right idea here. You’re a guy. You’re dating Jenny Mc-freaking-Carthy. You know what’s going on in men’s minds all over the world. You’ve got to joke about it. If you took it too seriously, you’d spend all your time begging them to go back to just Googling.

I love this pairing, by the way. Anytime a relationship is based on mutual love of fart noises, you know it’s at LEAST got to be fun.

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MAN SENTENCED IN PRIDE KILLING OF AN OSTRICH NAMED ‘GAYLORD’. YEP.

In a way, I think that this all ends well. Here’s what happened. See, a couple of what I like to call “idiots” hunted down and killed an ostrich because it kicked them, causing their girlfriends to laugh, thereby injuring their “pride”.

But, see, the good news is that, while this one ostrich has died tragically, these men will likely never again have girlfriends by whom they will be ridiculed. Nor will they ever again feel enough pride that they might be in danger of losing any. Ergo, two ostrich slayers are ostrich slayers no more.

Ostriches of the world, you’re safe…for now. But you watch your backs.

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AUSTRALIAN MAN BUILDS RUDIMENTARY CATWALK TO HIS NEIGHBOR’S PLACE, PLUMMETS 9 STORIES. I LAUGH REALLY HARD.

What is going on with Australians and their creative home invasion tactics? I reported earlier about a man who broke into a neighbor’s house and improvised a sex toy out of common household items. Well, this week, we’ve got a dude who created a home-made bridge to get over to his neighbor’s house. Luckily he fell 9 stories and hurt himself, or the story wouldn’t be nearly as funny.

Look, I don’t know what they’re feeding the guys down there, but any of you hot Aussie ladies (and I can tell from my stats there are at least a few of you reading the site), please lock your doors and windows. I don’t know what the issue is — could it be that even Australian guys are turned on by Australian accents? (Ok, it’s probably not that) — but your dudes simply will NOT be denied.

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That’s it for this unbelievably LONG, LONG week, people. Whew. Can’t believe we MADE it. Come on back next week for some more great reader requests. (And hey, submit one of your own, if you’re so inclined! Or are you just chicken…?)