The Twoface Pulls an Anger Smokescreen: a reader request
Today, we’ve got a reader request from Tara, who is perplexed by the disconnect between what a man says and what he does. Specifically, this guy was with her, but kept an active online dating profile. Yikes! And when she called him on it, he went apesh…uh…excuse me…apecrap? Sure, why not? He got pretty mad, is the point. Let’s see if we can’t figure out what happened with this dude. She writes:
Hello Jeff Mac
Why do men say one thing and do another? I am so confused. I feel I’m never going to understand male behaviour, but I’m reluctant to believe there are no more good men out there.
In my last relationship, the man I was dating was sweet, understanding, attentive and intelligent. He said we were soulmates, and that he was deeply fond of me. However, after we’d been dating for 6 months, a friend of mine who was internet dating found a profile on a dating site which sounded suspiciously like my man, and guess what…it was him! Looking at the profile history, he had placed the profile early in our relationship, updated it twice and logged on regularly.
When I confronted him, he accused me of being suspicious, paranoid, and over sensitive, and yet still couldn’t understand why I wanted to call it quits. If he’d wanted to end it, why not bow out gracefully at that point? He was defensive, as though his behaviour was defensible, and he was almost, it seems, angry with me for catching him out. Well, Jeff Mac, you’re a guy, what was going on here? Are all men as devious as this man? Or is it the lure of the internet? I’m still sad about this man, because i thought he was a really good guy, and you can’t just stop being fond of someone, but I dropped him like a hot potato, because trust, once it’s lost, just can’t be regained. Please tell me this man’s behaviour isn’t typical of men in general.
Dear Tara,
Ok, let’s clear up one thing right away, before we get into your specific situation.
THE REASON MEN SAY ONE THING AND DO ANOTHER IS:
…they know that if they tell you what’s REALLY going on with them, you will stab them. So they tell you what they think you want to hear. (And then DO whatever the truth is.)
I’m really sorry about that, but it’s just how men are sometimes. I’ve heard again and again, “He did THIS, but he said THIS and THIS and THIS — wha happa?” Well, the mistake was in doubting what he DID. See, HE probably doesn’t even know what he said. Think of a little kid, caught with his hand in the cookie jar. That kid’s going to SAY just about anything. (Remember — Bill Cosby’s kid said, “I was getting a cookie for you!” right?) But his hand was in the cookie jar. Ergo, he wanted a cookie. End of story.
I know, I know. But that’s a KID. We’re talking about an ADULT here, aren’t we? Well…maybe if you go by how many trips the Earth has made around the sun since he was born, yes. But emotionally? Uhh…….
THE ANGER SMOKESCREEN
Ok, onto your specific situation. The anger thing is a trick some guys learn sometime in our twenties. I don’t know how we learn it. It’s like all those summer camp songs. I don’t know who taught me “Old Grogan’s Goat,” but somehow everybody learns it. (And if you don’t know that one, boy, did you miss out.)
The Anger Smokescreen is when he is caught doing something bad, and he flips out. He gets twice as angry at you for bringing it up as you were about the situation. His hare-brained hope is that the conversation will go like this:
You: Hey, why did you poop on the floor?
Him: What?! What the hell is WRONG with you? Why on EARTH would you even ASK me that? Jesus, what the hell are you trying to say?!
You: Uh…sorry. I don’t know, I just…I’m sorry.
He’s trying to get so furious that you actually question whether or not you even had a reason to be mad. Sadly, sometimes this actually works. (Uh…I read that somewhere…ahem…yeah. I never would, you know, DO something like that…ugh.)
You can be pretty damn sure that if you question something and he absolutely wigs, he’s usually guilty as charged. But say he had a legitimate reason for his behavior, and was innocent — the conversation would go:
You: Hey, why did you poop on the floor?
Him: (I can’t think of a legitimate reason he’d do this, but kindly imagine there is one and further imagine him explaining it calmly here)
You: Ok, cool.
I mean, in your situation, if he had actually HAD a legitimate reason for the online dating profile, which would be in this case…ahhh…maybe he’s doing a research project on the internet? Yeah, there’s really no great reason for THAT one. The point is, he didn’t even TRY to offer a legitimate excuse. He went nuts. That’s how you can always tell when a guy is doing something indefensible.
“THIS IS ALL YOUR PROBLEM”
And the reason he pretended not to know why you wanted to break up? Because a part of the anger smokescreen is that he’s trying to make you question whether there’s even a problem at all. He was trying to get you to believe that it was all YOUR issue, that it was all in your head. (sigh) What a douche.
YOUR QUESTION – ARE ALL GUYS THIS DEVIOUS?
Absolutely not. You just happened to be dating a seriously immature jerkoff. (Hey, it happens.) I’m really sorry about these guys, but they’re out there. And let’s face facts — this type of guy specializes in telling a woman just what she wants to hear, so a part of the pain is about losing what you thought was going great.
I know — none of this changes the fact that it hurt like hell to end the relationship with him. But I can tell you this much: you did exactly the right thing. Nothing went wrong with this relationship — that would imply that it had, at one time, been “right.” And from what you say, there was zero chance of this one working out. This was NOT about the lure of the internet, or anything else. This was all about him being too immature to be upfront about what he had always, always intended to be — non-monogamous.
Don’t judge us all by this flaming douchepile, Tara. And don’t beat yourself up too hard for falling for this dude — again, he was obviously good at telling you what you wanted to hear.
Ladies — ever come across the Anger Smokescreen before?
Posted: October 22nd, 2007 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Shelby
Time October 22, 2007 at 8:20 am
I’ve never actually come across the anger smoke screen per se, but I have come across situations in which the guy probably knowing that I was savvy enough to gage his behavior upon confrontation, acted as cool as a cucumber. In my case the rule of thumb has always been not only to watch what he DOES and not so much what he SAYS, but to also go with intuition and evidence. I wait until I have concrete proof that something is amiss. Then I just ghost them if they don’t have the stones to afford me the courtesy of the truth. I have seen men get nervous and a little upset when I’ve asked them certain questions and they have played the “you’re insulting my character” card. Maybe this is a lighter form of the smoke screen…
Comment from Susan
Time October 22, 2007 at 9:00 am
Haven’t encountered the anger smokescreen, but I have encountered the Silent Treatment, which pretty much had the same effect (on me) – making me wonder if I was in the wrong. Tara, this “flaming douchebag” – oh, excuse me, “douchepile” – might as well have handed you his logon password with his defensive response. Definitely not to be trusted…Kudos to you for breaking it off right away and as Shelby stated, going with your gut.
Jeff, I’ve never heard that song. Or could I have blocked it from my memory?
Comment from Loiralei
Time October 22, 2007 at 12:36 pm
Excellent interpertation Jeff! That SAME thing happened to me but he actually printed some of the ladies profiles out and when I saw them on his desk and confronted him he quickly took them away and hid them. Then he went silent and went outside and messed with the yard to think of an excuse. Later he came in and told me THEY sent him the profile. I said YOU printed out! He said it means NOTHING they send me these all the time and so on. More stupidness. That’s the day I stopped trusting him. It takes nothing to end your profile on a dating site while you are involved with someone and no trouble to put it back on if that relationship does not work out and you are available again. There’s no reason to keep checking and logging on to a dating site if you are actively dating someone already steady. Unless of course as Jeff nailed it YOU ARE A CHEATER.
Comment from Heather
Time October 22, 2007 at 2:49 pm
Maybe this is precisely why I cannot bring myself to contact anyone through online dating sites. I mean, they must be addictive. The lure of hot, available women wanting you, smiling at you, sending you roses…what guy wants to give that up? Not that I’m trying to give online dating a bad rap…I know lots of success stories, but the lure of online love is certainly playing havoc with perfectly good people.
I’ve certainly had my share of smokescreeners, it always felt emotionally abusive in some way as I was left doubting myself and my values. Congrats Tara on letting him go. Cry for the beginning of what you thought you had, but don’t cry for the ending…you did the right thing!
Comment from Anonymouse
Time October 22, 2007 at 3:32 pm
This is the best example: my ex once told me that I killed any “trust” between us because I asked him if he was interested in someone else. He lost it! Saying it was my fault he didn’t feel I trusted him anyone. WTF? Turns out, he was interested in someone else. They are very happy now, and so am I.
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time October 23, 2007 at 6:32 am
Shelby: Yep — that’s a version of the smokescreen. “(gasp!) How dare you ask that!”
Susan: I googled it. I’m finding a lot of “Bill Grogan’s Goat.” So either I remembered it wrong, or I went to a really low-rent summer camp that didn’t know the real words. Or both.
Loiralei: Ok, if you see that guy, please thank him for me. I needed that laugh. Holy cow. “Oh, printing! What does printing pictures of women even MEAN? You’re so overreacting!” Hee hee. Fantastic.
Heather: Yeah, I never really went in for the online dating thing either. Too weird…
Anonymouse: Yep, perfect example. So funny that so many guys do this EXACT THING.
Comment from Miffy
Time October 26, 2007 at 2:15 pm
Tara, I hear you. I was casually dating a guy for a couple of months and then one day while on the phone, he let slip some statement about his “girlfriend”. Excuse me? I mean, I didn’t think we were exclusive or anything, but it looks like he was being ‘exclusive’ with someone and doing a little shopping around with me and who knows who else on the side. A****le. I called him on it and he went…apecrap, to say the least. I got a massive email, implying that I’m some kind of freak that thought I had some hold on him and his relationship with this other girl was none of my business. Well it is if I think I’m getting to know you for the purpose of a relationship! I wished him a crappy life and went on with mine.
Miffy
Comment from Channa
Time October 26, 2007 at 2:30 pm
What if you find out a guy that you were dating for 5 months but you had not made things official yet, was hanging out and flirting with another girl. A month later, you become a couple and a month after that, you find out about the situation and the girl tells you that they hung out for a couple of weeks but nothing physical happened between them. She tells you that all of a sudden he stopped contacting her and tells her one day over and over again that they are just friends and stops all contact (e.g. hanging out, talking on the phone etc.) with her. You ask him and he tells you nothing happened between them and that he is sorry for not telling you about it. Is this the same as the “smoke screen”? Would you break up with him even though this happened before things were official?
Comment from Channa
Time October 26, 2007 at 2:37 pm
BTW, I know this girl but we are not close and all 3 of us have the same social circle. He should have told me shouldn’t he have?
Comment from Sheila
Time October 26, 2007 at 5:46 pm
I didn’t realize who I was dating was pulling the ” tell you what they think you want to hear” crap until after I had married him. What a pain! He pulls the “anger smoke screen” crap too which just makes me mad (putting it mildly). I felt cheated. mistreated, and trapped. He’d show signs of being honest, and then do something incredibly stupid all over again. But marriage is for life — so I hope the pattern continues to be less and less. It doesn’t help that we settled for each other either — qutie the mess to try to improve if we put forth the effort (and faith) to improve it.
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time October 27, 2007 at 1:03 pm
Miffy: Apecrap. Oh, that made me laugh. We also would have accepted “apepoop..” Good for you for bailing.
Channa: Doesn’t sound like the anger smoke screen. Sounds more like he bailed on her when stuff got serious with YOU to me. I tend to think in this situation he didn’t tell you because it hadn’t been serious with, and why bring it up.
Sheila: Wow. That’s definitely a tough situation to be in. I’d say your best bet is to, with as cool a head as you can manage, talk about what you need to talk about. You can’t defeat the anger smokescreen with anger, but you can dissipate it with a refusal to get angry, and at least get to the truth. Good luck!
Comment from Tracey
Time October 30, 2007 at 6:34 am
Had a similar situation with an online dater – most are full of rubbish – wanted to let me know at the last minute if we were getting together but when I started the same treatment, we had toys out the pram. Left him and his pram pretty sharpish! Lol
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time October 30, 2007 at 8:05 am
Tracey: I’m not sure what “toys out of the pram” means (I might need you to start a website called “Britslations”.) But if it means what I THINK it means (i.e. that he threw a tantrum on you) then yep, the Anger Smokescreen strikes again.
Oh wait. “Toys out of the pram” — as in, a baby throwing his toys? See, look at that. I’m not as dumb as I look!
Thanks for commenting!
Comment from JD
Time October 30, 2007 at 6:35 pm
I actually just experienced the ‘anger smokescreen’. I’ve been with the same man for four years. We only just recently broke up but we unfortunately still live together. Recently we had an argument because he was being a jerk, and somehow he turned the entire thing around saying that it was literally ALL in my head, and I had imagined that he had been completely rude to me. Now, being that we have recently broken up, I’m beginning the phase of recognizing flaws that I had been previously overlooking and I realized that this was a pattern within our entire relationship. The man had nearly made me believe I was half INSANE these last four years, with my “imagined” ideas about how he acted!!! Turns out he’s just a douchebag.
Comment from Pam
Time October 31, 2007 at 2:45 am
Yes! I’ve had this happen recently – I was dating a guy I worked with, and he seemed a bit too friendly with another girl we worked with, and I called him on it. He replied that he didn’t even know we were dating. And he was the one who had weeks earlier said that he was flattered that we were dating. Needless to say, I dropped him like a hot potato. We had a small argument online a few weeks ago, and he made all sorts of angry statements that just didn’t seem to match up with what he’d told me earlier. My new dating motto is: If they can’t be honest with me, then they can’t be with me.
Pingback from The Progressively Pervy Dude? Why? « Manslations
Time October 31, 2007 at 6:26 am
[...] try to make you feel like you ARE a prude if you’re not into this. (He might even pull an Anger Smokescreen about it.) If that is his reaction to this conversation, you have my blessing to end this [...]
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time October 31, 2007 at 6:36 am
JD: Yeah, sometimes the simple (i.e. douchebag) solution takes time to even SEE it. Good for you for finally putting the kibosh on it!
Pam: Sounds very “cornered animal,” this guy does. The Anger Smokescreen is always a cover for abject terror, so that makes sense.
Sigh…all the comments on this thread are making me feel awfully apologetic about my gender. Sorry about my brethren, ladies.
Pingback from Why Might He Want Nude Pics? a Reader Request « Manslations
Time November 13, 2007 at 7:26 am
[...] it on YOU when you got upset (see the post about the Anger Smokescreen). Notice that he NEVER listened to your concerns. Ever. He said that YOU were weirding HIM out [...]
Pingback from The Dangers of Over-Manslating Him « Manslations
Time December 5, 2007 at 7:18 am
[...] The Anger Smokescreen (ahhh, our old nemesis) and what you accuse him of is, in fact, the truth. I guess it depends on what his “attempts to be intimate” were like. Is he only interested in spending intimate time with you? Does he seem to want to be around you even when you’re just talking, hanging around? [...]
Pingback from Online Dating » The Twoface Pulls an Anger Smokescreen: a reader request
Time October 22, 2007 at 8:18 am
[...] Manslations wrote an interesting post today on The Twoface Pulls an Anger Smokescreen: a reader requestHere’s a quick excerptThe Twoface Pulls an Anger Smokescreen: a reader request Today, … and what he does. Specifically, this guy was with her, but kept an active online dating profile … out there. In my last relationship, the man I was dating was sweet, understanding, attentive and intelligent. He said [...]