Are Men Inherently Unfaithful? A Reader Request
Hey there, Manslatees. We’ve got another short-n-sweet question from our all-star requester, Loirelei. (But as usual, as brief as her question IS, it’s still a really complex question. Sigh. Thanks a LOT.) Loirelei writes:
Chris Rock once said, “A man is only as faithful as his options”. Seriously, are ALL men basically “man whores”? Do they really sleep with anyone they CAN anytime?
Dear Loirelei,
This is a big misunderstanding that a lot of women seem to have about men, it seems to me. In fact, a ton of the questions I get seem to point to a misreading of the male idea about sex and faithfulness. Well, I’m going to clear this one up, right here, right now. (Either that, or I’m going to screw it up. But hopefully I’ll at least be funny in the process.)
Q: DO MEN SLEEP WITH ANYONE THEY CAN ANYTIME?
A: No, not all men DO it…but they all WANT to. With almost anyone. All the time. No matter how much they love you.
If you can really take that in, you’ll have a much easier time understanding the male mind. I hear a lot of women (and SMART ones, I’m saying) give me some version of, “Oh PLEASE, Jeff. All men are not always thinking about sex.” And this usually comes with a roll of the eyes. Like I’m the one being naive.
See, for a man, the definition of Faithfulness is NOT, “I hereby vow never to look at another woman.” No guy will ever be like that, not if we wanted to be. And you don’t WANT him to be. It’s just not how we are. If you want a man who will never look at another woman for the rest of his life, you’re going to have to build one yourself, which rarely works out. Like, say this:
…or this:
Non-existence is a big relationship hurdle, is what I’m getting at.
Well, you could go THIS way:
I mean, if “never looking at another woman” is your goal, it would definitely solve THAT problem…
And I’m only telling you this stuff so you can know what you can REALLY expect. I’m not bringing this up to bum you out. (Also not to “mellow you out.” Basically, I’m not trying to do anything to you that a hippy might do.)
For a good man — the best man available — the definition of Faithfulness is: “Regardless of the fact that I picture myself having sex with LITERALLY every woman I see, meet, or even think of for a second, plus that woman’s friend, sister, mom, and all of THEIR friends — I promise not to actually DO anything about it because I really know that you’re worth that.”
Think of those dogs that insane people train to sit there with a doggie treat on their snout for an hour. Even the most highly trained dog in the world, the one who loves you more than his own life:
–that guy REALLY wants that doggie treat. Like, with every fiber of his being. Most dogs would just eat it. But this one is such a good dog that he is willing to override that impulse. He knows that he’s going to hear, “Good doggie!!!” AND get the treat if he can learn to just chill out a little.
(Manslator’s Note: Don’t try this trick to train your man to be faithful to you. If you set a naked woman on your man’s snout — even for training purposes — someone is likely to be injured.)
As I’ve said in previous posts, it takes some maturity for a man to be able to commit to that kind of faithfulness. And/or he’s got to really like you. The reason is this:
MANSLATION TRUTH #119a: Faithfulness is always a struggle for men, and must be learned.
#119b: Some men are, frankly, not man enough to WIN that struggle.
That’s the deal with men and cheating, in a nutshell. Look, even though this is the 21st century (Pfft…tell ME I don’t know what century it is) women still have a TON more experience in refusing sex than men EVER will.
When sex is offered, it puts our brains at DEFCON One, sirens go off, and every piece of us thinks, “Hey! HEY! It’s that thing! You know — that thing we’ve been trying to do every second of our lives since we were 12! It’s right there! Get it!!! IT’S RIGHT THERE!!!”
My current relationship is the very first one in which I really have a leg up on that struggle. Not that I’ve never been faithful before. But I’ve never had the upper hand in the struggle. When we’ve got a little maturity (and when we’re with the right woman) men know that while sex with that woman on the TV, the one on the train, her sister, her sister’s friends, their hot aunts, and every other woman we’ve ever met, thought about, or seen for half a second would be FUN…we can actually see that sex only lasts a little while, and it’s not worth losing what we’ve GOT.
So, the main point is this. Yes, yes, all men WANT to nail everybody we see. But (hopefully) some men learn that just because sex with whomever would be super fun, that doesn’t mean it’d be worth losing what we’ve got.
Ladies? Anybody ever date a man who never looked at another woman? Where did he park his unicorn?
Posted: October 24th, 2007 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Loiralei
Time October 24, 2007 at 11:06 am
Amen Susan. And Jeff thanks for being so honest, it makes perfect sense. Your wife is very lucky.
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time October 25, 2007 at 8:06 am
Susan: Yeah this is one area in which we really ARE different. (For an analogous thing on the OTHER side, your confusion is how WE feel when a woman is impatient to get married — even before she’s met someone she WANTS to marry. We don’t get that one at all…)
Loiralei: She’s not a “wife” yet, but we’re on our way there. (And believe me, I’M the one who’s lucky.)
Comment from brahnamin
Time October 25, 2007 at 8:48 am
(Manslator’s Note: Don’t try this trick to train your man to be faithful to you. If you set a naked woman on your man’s snout — even for training purposes — someone is likely to be injured.)
best interwebs quote evar
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time October 26, 2007 at 6:15 am
Gracias, Senor Cat Juggler, brahnamin. Thanks for stopping by! (and thanks for the plug on YOUR site!)
Comment from Theatregal
Time October 27, 2007 at 4:21 am
I had a guy friend tell me after I divorced, ” Honey, there’s one thing you’ve got to get. All men are dogs. They’ll do it with anyone and it doesn’t mean anything”.
Now, from talking to a lot of my female friends…..I’m odd. Sex just isn’t that important to a lot of women. At least the ones I know. I love sex, but not with just any guy. If there’s no chemistry, I’m not wasting my time. There are a lot of things that make a great relationship, but for me, if I don’t want to rip his clothes off a couple times a day, I’m not interested. There aren’t many men that make me feel that way. And it’s not about looks. It’s attraction, humor, chemistry, charm,values, love, intimacy, feeling safe, the way he makes you feel about yourself when you’re with him.
Everyone’s different, so finding someone you’re crazy about, who’s also crazy about you, has similar values, an ability to compromise, etc., AND a similar libido is just not that easy to find. I was married for 20 years to a “once or twice a month’ll do it” guy. Probably, the reason I’ve been single for almost 7 years. I’ve been with one man in my life, after the divorce, who I still feel insane for…….appparently , so are 80 % of the women in the USA. He is one of those who can juggle several at a time…sometimes while married. There are only so many days in a week and weekends in a month. I don’t know how he does it and what’s worse is that there are a lot of men envious of him. He convinced me he’d changed. We’ve known each other since we were children. So, I knew “most” of the secrets. We were together for a long time, long distance. Then he “accidentally” text me a message meant for his ex wife. He’s in therapy now because he’s not happy knowing he’s hurt so many women. . I’m not sure he will ever learn the word, “no”. I don’t see him anymore, which is pretty easy because he lives pretty far away. He still wants to be Friends with benefits or just friends. I can’t. It’s all or nothing.
Say you do become friends with benefits, knowing she’s doing other guys besides you. How do guys block that out? Or doesn’t it matter?
Jeff, are you saying guys would pretty much do it with anyone (attractive or not), unless they had matured enough to know what and who they really want and it was no longer this huge struggle to keep it in their pants when not with the love of their life?? I guess I’ll never get it.
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time October 27, 2007 at 12:54 pm
Theatregal: Sounds like what you had there was your standard “Player.” Good for him that he’s in therapy about it (if that is in fact true, and not another Play.) But don’t go by him.
All I’m saying here is that all guys, nice or nasty, picture having sex with virtually everyone, if only for a second. Doesn’t mean we’re actually considering it every time. Sometimes we’re barely aware we’ve even THOUGHT this stuff.
And it’s still a struggle to keep it in his pants, even if he’s WITH the love of his life. But for a mature man, it’s a struggle he can WIN. Lots of young (in mind OR body) guys don’t know that you don’t die from turning away sex. But lots of other guys know better.
Comment from Celine
Time March 7, 2011 at 4:47 am
I really found your advice very interesting and nice! I find it more sweet and appealing that if a guy will not have sex with another girl even if he thinks about it, because he thinks it’s not worth losing what he actually has… I really like that part somehow It perfectly makes sense 
Comment from Susan
Time October 24, 2007 at 8:14 am
Jeff, while some might then conclude from your post that all men are DOGS or the equivalent (that was very funny, BTW), we appreciate your honesty on this subject. My ex would describe the male-thinking-of-sex thing to me and it didn’t compute. I’m not sure it still does 100% because it is so foreign, but I’m learning. The funny thing is, if a guy would only learn to invest some time into all the other emotional yicky stuff, we’d be glad to sleep with him A LOT. That is the secret for many of us. Not that it would stop the other thoughts, but i’m just saying. Understanding and maturity on both sides = peace (and sex). Thanks again for the peek inside and your honest reply about your experience.