Reader Request: Internet Pre-jection and the Gracious Response
Hello again, lovely manslatees. I got a request from someone named Sian (cool name!) who was “prejected” while internet dating — or was she? She also appears to have requested advice on this very situation from my blogger pal Terry — you can see her response to Sian HERE. It’s ok, Sian. I’m not jealous that you asked for other advice. No, no. It’s fine. (snif.) Excuse me…I’ve got something in my eye…
But seriously, folks. Sian writes:
OOh Jeff, the dilemmas of internet dating !
After corresponding flirtasiously via email with a cute guy on a dating site, he suggested we meet and left me his phone number. I prefer not to phone men or do the chasing, so thanked him for his number and gave him mine.
One day later, I received this email from him-
“I must let you know that I’ve recently found some success with”internet dating” and, while it’s early days, I want to give it every chance so, unfortunately we won’t be able to meet, for now.
Please keep my contact details as, who knows? If things don’t work out, I’ll be in touch.
Thanks again for your interest, I’m quite flattered.Best wishes “Now this guy has lost his chance with me, as I am not interested in competing with other women, or using my energy on a guy that tells me by his behaviour that I am second best , BUT he is trying to keep the door open !!!
My question is – What is the most gracious way to respond ? Or should no answer be my answer?
Regards
Sian
Dear Sian,
Well, firstly, I’d say this. I wouldn’t file this one under “rejection,” exactly. (In fact, some people would say that it’s unnecessary to keep this sort of thing in a filing system at all. I guess it depends on how you do your taxes, and whether or not you plan to claim him as a dependent which, for the record, I would not recommend at this stage.) I’m not hearing, “If stuff with my Numero Uno woman (ooh, Spanish!) doesn’t work out, maybe I’d settle for you!” Sounds like she just got there first.
Seems like there’s virtually no way around this version of “competing with other women” as you say — not with Internet dating. Internet dating seems to be a lot like fishing — the point seems to be to cast a wide net, and see if you can find anything that isn’t too weird to keep.
(Manslator’s Note: I’m not a “fisherman” per se, so I can’t say for sure that’s how they decide to keep things. But that’s definitely how they SHOULD do it. And I’m going to write a letter to that effect. To…fishermen. And I’ll cc the fish as well, just in the interest of full disclosure. Wait…did I type all of that or just think it?)
So, just FYI, the more I read it, the more I think the manslation for his last email would be that he doesn’t know where stuff with this other woman is going, AND he doesn’t know where stuff with YOU would go. It’s just that since she got their first, he wants to give this other situation a real shot at success.
Anyway, on to your more specific question:
HOW TO RESPOND?
Ok, obviously it depends upon where you’re at, in a situation like this. If…
- …you want to close the door for good: Sounds like this is where you’re at. No response is fine here — unless you feel the need to “educate” him on his behavior (also known as “smacking the crap out of him”) but why bother? If you’re not interested, you’re not interested.
- …you want to leave the door open: Say something along the lines of, “Blast! Well, I can’t help but be a LITTLE disappointed — we were just starting to have some fun! Ah well — good luck! Maybe we’ll talk again sometime.” You know, keep it light, fun, still flirty, and let him know that sure, you’d be open to more talking later.
That’s what I’d say. Again, sounds like you’re leaning toward “forget it, bro.” No problem. Just don’t respond. And if he DOES contact you again at some point, well, just keep on not responding. That’s one of the best things ABOUT the internet — it’s set on “ignore” by default. So you can just snub yourself silly without even getting out of bed! I only wish more things were able to be accomplished from bed. Specifically, while sleeping.
Good luck, Sian!
What say you, Manslatees? Should Sian respond to this guy? And if so, what should she say?
Posted: October 25th, 2007 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Susan
Time October 25, 2007 at 9:09 am
Sian, Jeff and Ladies, I’ve had my share of internet dating and am actually doing it again. (Oh, yes, I’m sure to blog about that!) First, let me point out that most of us don’t really “want” to do online dating, but seeing that sock hops, or back in Jane Austen’s day, formal dances, are gone it can be hard to meet people outside of your job/neighborhood/etc. I’ve been on dates with a number of nice men, so they are out there — they just may not all work out as “relationships”. So, with that said, Sian, this has happened to me a few times. In fact, a guy who I’ve stayed friendly with for almost 3 years now was a great date who I hoped to date again — but he met his current significant other at a party shortly after me and he sent me a similar message. I was bummed, but I tried not to take it personally, as it happens. (For the record, he seems really gaga about his girlfriend, so hey, how can I be upset? She’s very nice.)
I wouldn’t have used his exact wording if I were writing this because when I read your post/Q on Terry’s site (sorry, Jeff), I sort of read it as I think you may have: “See ya later, but if I feel like it I may be back. Maybe.” This could be true but I think he just wants to focus on one woman (hopefully only one), which in the end is a good thing, even if it isn’t you – right? (Jeff, you can pay me later for that Manslation-type of comment/advice.)
The only other thing I’d say is that if you hadn’t been in heavy flirtation before this email, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was a nice “out” for him. I admit I did that once or twice when I had lost interest or realized that after some steady emailing that maybe we weren’t quite as good of a match as I thought. But I don’t think that’s the case based on what you wrote.
So, sorry for the rambling, but don’t despair. I’d move aside thoughts of this guy and either don’t respond or just wish him well as Jeff suggested if you want to keep the door open — just don’t expect him to walk back through it; move on to someone else. Good luck!
Comment from Terry
Time October 25, 2007 at 1:53 pm
“You can snub yourself silly without even getting out of bed!”
That’s why they pay you the big bucks, Jeff. You’re on-the-money, and you make us laugh, too.
“Sian” is cool, isn’t it? If I were a guy, I wouldn’t be too quick to nix a woman with a name like that.
Comment from Adrienne
Time October 25, 2007 at 3:57 pm
hmmm…Sounds like this egomaniac is taking full advantage of the online Costco for men called Internet dating (yes, I suppose a big fishing net is a good metaphor, but isn’t that more the case for men than for women?) with a little undercut to Sian. Read: “hey, sian, sorry, but other women are hanging off of me so I’m going to have to shelve you and if you are blessed with karmic luck, I might, just might, have a coffee date with you in 6 months to 10 years from now.” If he’s had such success with someone else, why shove it in some other woman’s face? I’m thinking a man would think it a crime against humanity if a woman ever rejected him in that way. Sian, don’t respond AT ALL. It’s not worth the mental energy.
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time October 26, 2007 at 6:15 am
Shelby: Oh wow. Please apologize to Carmen on behalf of the male gender. Those guys never cleared that behavior with us at any of the strategy sessions.
Susan: The check’s in the mail. Great comment.
Terry: Ah yes. The ‘big bucks.’ I’ve read about those. (And yes, Sian? Totally hot name.)
Adrienne: “The online Costco for men called Internet dating.” Ok, that one made me snort. Great one.
Your point’s taken, but (and you’re going to laugh at this) I think you might be giving egomaniacs too much credit. Most guys in the “total douche” category probably would have been slicker about not making it about another woman. They’d say, oh, “I guess I’m just not ready — I just got out of something serious,” or, “I’m going to be really busy for the next month, but I’ll give you a call then.” You know — total crapola.
Comment from Mimsie
Time October 26, 2007 at 9:43 am
Sian, don’t settle for anything less than what makes you insanely happy.
Comment from Sian
Time October 26, 2007 at 6:08 pm
Thank you all for such great advice !
I had already responded to him before I read the suggestions here (sigh..) but it was a brief ‘good bye & good luck’
To my surprise he then sent me the following text message:
“I was a little taken aback by your last email. I am sorry- I didn’t mean to offend you,was just trying to do the right thing.No hard feelings on this side! Hope things work out for you too”
In hindsight I think ‘no response’ would have been my best option, and dare I say his could have been too. I feel that telling a woman that you are ‘quite successful’ comes across as arrogant even if you are not.
And as for the name Sian, it is gaining popularity in Australia.
It is Welsh for Jane & is pronounced ‘sharn’, although I have heard Americans pronounce it ‘sea-arn’
Thanks again
Comment from damewiggy
Time October 27, 2007 at 5:13 am
i’d suggest a puppy
but hey, that’s just me.
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time October 27, 2007 at 12:47 pm
Mimsie: Great way to put it. Insanely happy is exactly what I go for!
Sian: Ok, so it sounds like he wasn’t being too douchey with his comment. But your point is certainly taken — “quite successful” isn’t a great way to be nice.
damewiggy: Yeah, I’d say the ranking system in my world would definitely go:
1.) Insanely happy relationship
2.) puppy
3.) any OTHER relationship.
Thanks for stopping by!
Comment from Shelby
Time October 25, 2007 at 7:55 am
Sian, Jeff totally hit it as usual on this one! You may want to keep the door open, though. I have less than way under zero experience with Internet dating but my friend Carmen has PLENTY! She’s a first rate, educated (and beautiful) girl but seems to catch what seems to be “keepers” in the beginning but what turn out to be those types who end up sending her out of nowhere…a picture of their…uh, “credentials,” if you know what I mean. In her experience those true keepers (like the one you found) are rare. Just a thought.