manslations

Well, well, well. Here we are again. Another Friday, another Manslations News Roundup. Are we going to get started? Yes. Yes we are.

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ROBERT RODRUIGUEZ WANTS ROSE MCGOWAN TO PLAY BARBARELLA. EVERYBODY ELSE? MMMM…NOT SO MUCH.

Filmmaker Robert Rodriguez appears to be losing ground in his battle to cast his new fiance in the title role of his remake of Barbarella. Pretty much everybody but Rodriguez thinks that his new fiance, Homewrec…I mean ROSE! Rose McGowan is a little too, how you say…not good. Hey, she was easily one of the top 3 most talented actresses on “Charmed,” so suck on THAT, uh, everybody in Hollywood besides her fiance.

Rodriguez’s former wife, Elizabeth Avellan (who Rodriguez recently dumped for Ms. McGowan) was quoted as saying, “I wish the two of them nothing but the–wait, what? They’re pulling funding from the movie because they don’t want to cast her? Haaaaaahahahahahahahahahah! Hoooooohoooohooohooo!!! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahah! Ahem. That is to say, I hope it all works out for the best for everyone concerned. (snort).”

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NEW YORK EX-COUPLE IN COURT OVER $48,000 ENGAGEMENT RING, ARE EXPERIENCING DIFFICULTY FINDING ANY SYMPATHY

This couple agreed that if the engagement was off, the ring would go back to the dude who presumably paid for it. Well, the bride-not-to-be has evidently changed her mind. She wants to keep a $48k ring just to stick it to him? Hm. It’s almost hard to accept that it’s not going to work out between these two. Breaks your heart, you know?

I have to say, I’m looking forward to hearing what she comes up with for her argument in court. “Your honor, I NEED that ring, so I can have something to remind me of all those fond memories I had with that son of a bitch.”

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BELGIAN COPS ORDERED TO STOP DRINKING AND GETTING HOOKERS, TACKLEBERRY PISSED.

A Belgian police chief ordered his officers patrolling the red light district to stop getting drunk and having sex in brothels while on duty. In an urelated story, thousands of young Belgian men withdrew their applications and decided to become firemen for some reason.

Way to prove you’re exactly as square as they all say you are behind your back, Chief. This is worse than that time at the police singalong when you were caught clapping on the 1 and 3 (instead of the more universally cool 2 and 4.) Or at karaoke when you insisted on doing “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” and had all the cops singing Meatloaf’s part, and all the hookers singing the girl part across the room from each other. Ugh. Awful. Awful. Seriously, Chief, you’re so stiff, all you need to do is to marry an ultra-cool, ultra-hip, ultra-wise woman who you don’t deserve and you’ll be able to sell the rights to make your life into a sitcom for 7 figures.

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MAN ADMITS TO MURDER OF HIS GIRLFRIEND, BUT DENIES CANNIBALISM. ANALYSIS: GOOD PLAN!

…because, you know, that’s just sick. I mean, it’s one thing to commit murder, but come on. The guy didn’t even LIKE her, and now he’s going to eat the corpse? It just doesn’t make sense, people. If the bib don’t fit, you must acquit, people.

Let this be a lesson to you all, ladies. If you’re dating someone who doesn’t understand that “murder” is kind of worse than “cannibalism”, well, evidently you’re just inviting big, big trouble. (Who knew?) Now, don’t get me wrong. Cannibalism is pretty bad. I mean, really bad. But what’s worse, killing someone and NOT eating them, or eating someone who was already dead?

What? It’s a legitimate question, ok? (Manslator’s Note: I have GOT to start getting more sleep.)

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That’s it for this week, ladies. I’ve been getting a ton of reader requests, and I’ll keep on crankin’ out the love starting up again on Monday. Until then, tell your friends, tell your enemies, but get ‘em all to stop by! Have a great weekend!