manslations

Today, we’ve got a request from Noelle — a liberal who has set her sights on a hardcore conservative. And a somewhat confusing one. (Well…a MORE confusing one.) Let’s see if we can’t figure out what’s going on:

Dear Jeff,

I’m a Democrat, he’s an ultra-conservative Republican. I’ve been dubbed his “intellectual friend. ” We have long geeky, wonderful conversations about prime numbers and the FEC(Federal Election Commission) among others, which end with his sudden, often, urgent departure. I’ve told him I have feelings for him and I need my space if he doesn’t reciprocate those feelings. He says he understands, but crowds me with political email jokes, text messages, and phone calls. He never says anything specific about his feelings towards me and is extremely elusive about anything relating to his emotional life. My friends have started referring to his exasperating behavior as an ongoing “mind f**k.” Do these things actually exist? What should I do with my Ron Paul wannabe? I need a manslation, badly.

Gaga for a geek

Dear Noelle,

Well, this is a tough one. Let’s take a look at this one by the numbers.

1. He calls you his “intellectual friend”: This means that your brain turns him on. Not a bad start.
2. Long, deep talks…then quick exit: This says to me that he senses approaching sexual intimacy, but for some reason doesn’t want to go there. Not a great sign.
3. You show him yours, but he won’t show you his (feelings): This means that his feelings likely don’t match what he thinks you’d want to hear.
4. You tell him to stop if he’s not in for real, but he keeps on a comin’: This usually means that he doesn’t believe you. He wants things to stay as they are, and you say, “If it’s only like THIS, I don’t want it.” He’s hoping that you aren’t going to stick to your guns on that. He wants this to keep on keeping on, AS IS.

So, what in the hell is going on here? My guess?

THE AFFAIR OF THE MIND

For what it’s worth, if your friends mean “ongoing mindf$%k” in the sense that he’s toying with you in some way, I’m not getting that sense. If they mean that he’s having the equivalent of a steamy physical romance, but only from the neck up, well, they may have it.

This is a new one by me, but it seems like this guy is only interested in you for your mind. I know, I know. It doesn’t make any sense to me, either. (i.e. Why can’t he respect me for my VAGINA?) But the behavior tells the tale. And if your long talks were hot sex, it would be a very clear manslation: He wants to keep getting what he’s GETTING, and doesn’t want to move the situation forward into the land of further commitment/exclusivity.

I can’t say this for sure without more info, but his behavior also smacks of someone who wants to keep this situation a “secret.” Guys might behave this way when they are a.) cheating on someone or b.) for some reason, are afraid of what their idiot friends might say.

Is it possible that he doesn’t want to be with you because he wouldn’t want his neo-con pals to find out that he was in bed with the enemy? Is it possible that he HAS a girlfriend? I don’t know for sure, but it certainly seems like it could be one of these.

WHAT TO DO?

Unfortunately, I’d say that this is never going to change without a push from you. And right now it’s not clear that it’ll change even WITH a push. He clearly is drawn to you, but he’s been very resistant to moving the situation forward, even when you asked him to. So I’d say that the best you can hope for here is to find out, once and for all, what’s going on. And to do that, I’m afraid you’re going to have to really pin him down, along the lines of:

“Listen, see. I want this to move forward, see. As in, romantically, you hear what I’m tellin’ ya. And if that ain’t gonna happen, SCRAM you hear me? And I need to know NOW. Ok, talk, you.“

There’s no need to do it in the manner of an Edward G. Robinson style gangster from the 1920′s. That’s optional. But you’ve got to let him know that you REQUIRE an answer. And not the “right” answer, but the ACTUAL answer.

Now, I say that you’re not looking for the “right” answer because you’re going to scare the living crap out of him, likely. No man can answer the question, “So, where is this thing headed?” Like, ever. But we know we can’t just shrug, so we come up with something. Make sure that he understands, “Look, whatever is going on with you is ok by me — I’m not trying to talk you into something you don’t want. I just need you to know where I’M at, and I need to know where YOU’RE at.”

This is exactly the question he’s been avoiding, and so I’d say to beware if you ask it — if he gives you an honest answer, it’s likely NOT what you want to hear. (Why else would he be trying so hard to avoid answering it in the first place, without having to be asked?) But it sounds like you really need the honest answer, and he’s not going to volunteer it unless you really pin him down.

WARNING: The trouble with this type of thing is that, of course, his answer may not be what you want to hear, of course. He either has feelings for you or he doesn’t. Nothing either of you can do about that. The best you can do is find out what’s what.

Good luck, Noelle. I hope your Crossfire romance turns, you know, romantic. But at the very least, I hope you can get the answers you need. Thanks for writing!

What do you say, ladies? Anybody have a mind-only romance before? Ever turned up the heat from there?