manslations

Well, today I think we’re looking at a guy who, for some reason, will NOT take his foot off the brake. Formal and polite, seemingly to a fault. Marianne writes:

I met Devin online through a dating website.

We met for a (non-alcoholic) drink, had a pleasant conversation, then went our separate ways. There was no indication that we would see each other again. I even paid for my own beverage.

He emailed me not long afterward asking if I’d be interested in going out again. I said yes and about a week later we met for dinner and a movie. At the restaurant he asked if I minded if he paid for our dinner. I told him that would be great. After the movie ended, we walked to our respective cars. He stopped with me next to my car, and I gave him a hug.

A couple of days later, he emails me again to tell me he had a very nice time. He asked if he could be so bold as to ask for my phone number as we had only been trading emails thus far. I gave him my number (happy that he’d asked) and told him I looked forward to seeing him again.

Due to both of us going out of town separately, we didn’t go out again for two weeks. When we did, we went to dinner and a show, all of which were planned over the phone. The night once again ended with a hug.

A couple of days later, he emails me to tell me that he likes spending time with me, is doing things he normally wouldn’t do, and hopes we can do it again… next month. Granted, again, both of us had out-of-town trips during the following few weeks. And, true to his word, he called after he returned from his vacation, this time to set a day aside two weeks in the future when we could go out again.

Then, today, I get an email from him with some ideas of what we could do during our “next meeting.” This is the fourth time we’ve gone out… and he calls it “a meeting.” Manslation, please?

Dear Marianne,

(MANSLATOR’S NOTE: There was an addendum to this situation that Marianne sent in via email, where there was another example — a further “meeting” with this dude. He gave her the option to bail on their “meeting” because he was a little under the weather. They went out anyway. Still no nooky, and still strange formality. Including a handshake and a not-walking-to-her car.)

Ok, here’s what we know:

1. He’s interested in something, somehow: His attention has been unbroken, though paced a little slowly (due to your schedules, etc.)
2. He’s taking it slow…seriously, whew: He’s being very formal, respectful, and deliberative (to a fault, it seems!)
3. He’s reluctant to take it to the next level: The fact that he would call it a “meeting” at this point might not tell the whole story, but he definitely doesn’t want to push you. And the handshake, well, wow.

So, what the hell is going on? Hard to say for SURE, but I’d guess that it’s one of a couple things:

• Somewhere along the line, he got the idea that formality and super-politeness was gentlemanly. When a guy learns a lesson at some point (especially if we learned it the hard way) we often like to think something along the lines of, “Ah, that must be true all the time, in every situation! Woohoo!” Sigh.
• Is he not American, by the way? He seems to have an almost “I’m not speaking English as my first language” kind of formality. (I don’t why, but I’m getting a foreign vibe from him.)
• Given your last non-date, it is possible that he’s making a quiet exit from the situation.
• He likes you, but is having trouble reading your interest.

And if it’s that last one, I have to admit, I’m having a little trouble myself. Now, that could be simply because you only told me what HE’s saying/doing. But a vital part of any manslation is: What does he THINK is going on with you?

Look, there are plenty of guys in the world for whom a mallet to the solar plexus wouldn’t be enough to let them know that a woman is interested. But could it be that you’re not giving him enough of a green light? And does he HAVE the green light? Where are YOU with the whole thing?

I WAS BEING SO OBVIOUS…

Ok, that actually brings up something that I think women need to know about men. We’re dumb. We can NOT read your minds, and we don’t define the word “hint” like you do. And so when you drop a hint, we often don’t even see it. Again, I don’t know if this is the issue. But if you are thinking to yourself, “I was being so OBVIOUS that I liked him!” just know that you were probably NOT. Not in a language he understands. Another woman might be able to spot it, but not him. Some things that are not “obvious” to all men:

•  Well, I was THERE, wasn’t I? (So was the waiter.)
• I said yes when he asked me out! (Yes, that’s a good starting “hint” to give, but don’t stop there. I’ve been on dates where I thought, “So…why did you come here exactly, lady?”)
• But I talked with him for 2 hours about U.S. environmental policy! (Yes, that’s a real one from a real woman I know. Not as clear a signal as you might think. Sigh.)
• But I went along with whatever plans he wanted to make! (I’m not saying that you should be disagreeing with anything necessarily, but if your only overt action is to react to HIS interest, he’s not going to know if YOU are interested aside from that.)
• But I was thinking that I liked him REALLY HARD. (I’d think this one would be obvious, but I know, like, 10 different manslatees whose “hints” boiled down to this.)

THE BOTTOM LINE: So, what IS going on with you?

Look, whether or not you’re being obvious, what IS obvious is that this guy seems awfully timid about the whole thing. Could be that he’s old-fashioned and doesn’t want to be forward. Could be that he’s misreading you. Could be that he thought he was interested, but no longer is and he’s looking for a graceful way to bail. Who knows why he’s doing this? You’re going to have to flush him out a little.

The more important question at this point is, what do you WANT to be happening? What IS your interest? If you want this to move in a romantic direction (I’m going to assume that you do, or why would you be writing to me, right?) then here’s what I’d suggest. For your next meeting, you pick the spot, and choose somewhere that can only be interpreted as romantic. If he isn’t interested, this will be where he makes some sort of an excuse.

And if he DOES go, I’d say that you’re going to want to make a very, very small move. A kiss. Just to make very, very sure that he knows that you’re interested. (I know, I know, he should know. But maybe he doesn’t.) Considering he’s into the whole formality thing, I’d even say to put in that very same language — “So, would it be too forward of me if I were to ask for a kiss?”

This way, if you’re interested, you’ll let him know that in no uncertain terms. Because rest assured that if he’s THIS timid, he’s almost certainly not sure.

What say ye, ladies? Any of you dated a man who simply would NOT take yes for an answer? How did you clue him in?